Holiday Havoc

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

My holiday has been, as predicted, anything but relaxing. Christmas Eve Master and I went to my dad's to celebrate with him, my sisters, his girlfriend and her son. It was... typically "my dad" type of holiday. Then, Christmas day, Master and I picked up His son and drove down to visit His mom for Christmas (and her birthday as it is Christmas day). W/we came back home on Sunday, and I've worked for the past 2 days with one of my kiddos. Now, W/we are preparing to drive out to visit my mom for a few days for Christmas/New Years.

As I said... anything BUT relaxing. lol

Thus far, Master's son has really enjoyed his gifts. In fact, the gifts that I thought the kiddo would be least thrilled about, he's really loved. lol Go figure. He's been bugging me to open the remote controlled cars that he got, but the house is really full of people right now and I'm trying to hold off on opening them. Not only do W/we have the normal 6 of U/us here (Master, me, Master's son, and O/our 3 roommates), W/we have one of O/our roommate's daughter and the other roommate's 2 nieces. Soooooooooo... that makes 9 people in a little tiny row house. Needless to say, it's crowded.

I think I'm going to need a vacation from my vacation...

Wishes of safety, love, and happiness,

<3 Master's lil one, Jade

I'll Never Be

I'll never be the perfect girl.

I will always have my flaws. There is not one person in the entire world, that I know of, who does not have at least one skeleton in the closet. I know I have mine... and I know that I have many. I am paranoid... I am insecure... I am human. All of this I know, and I know it well. I have delved deep down into the inner sanctum of my heart, and I don't like some of the things I have found there. There is a darkness inside of me... a darkness that I have tried so desperately to get rid of and failed.

I am the only person who can change me. Others can try... but they will ultimately fail. I have to be willing and wanting to change. Just as I cannot change another person... nobody can change me. There are many things about myself that I would like to change, but I do not know how. People have given me advice, and yet I know that, if I am to change, I will have to find my own way. What works for one person may not necessarily work for me.

All of this comes from an event that transpired today... an event I knew, deep down in my gut, was bound to happen. Master was honest with me about it... and I truly appreciate that honesty. I think that makes the burden of my hatred even harder to bear. And it is not Master that I hate. Oh no... it is not Him at all. It is only me... in the blackness of self-loathing that surrounds me as I sit and write.

I love Master with all my heart and soul and body. I want Him to be happy... to be able to be Himself. This is why I keep these things locked inside me... though I know that He will (eventually) read this. He hates the way I down myself... the way I see myself. But He cannot change that. Only I can, and though I do try, it is difficult to change what has become such a large part of me.

I will not dictate to Master what He can and cannot do. That is not for me to decide. Even in a vanilla relationship, I would not tell Him what to do. His life is His to live the way He chooses. Though it may affect me, whether it be in a positive or negative manner, it is the way I choose to respond to His actions that defines the type of person I am.

I truly believe that the hatred I feel towards myself right now spawns from one belief, and one belief only...

I'll never be the type of girl Master needs and wants... and completely deserves.

And that hurts me more than anything else in the world.

<3 Master's lil one, Jade

Close my Eyes... and Jump...

My life has always been slightly out of control... and by slightly I mean totally, completely, and insanely. I've never really had any say in any aspect of my life, and for the few things that I have had some choice in, I've had to fight for and I've had to deal with the, some severe, repercussions. It's been a hard road, but I think I have, for the most part at least, turned out semi-ok. I do have my flaws and faults but no more than most people. However, some of my flaws and faults can be absolutely devastating for me as they keep me from fully experiencing life... because I know that some of them are are completely debilitating.

For instance, I am neurotic and paranoid. I don't quite have the feeling of "everybody is out to get me" all the time, but I do tend to think the worst... about almost everything. It's not necessarily "this person hates me" or "that person is talking behind my back." It's not that type of paranoia. It's more of the "what will happen if I do this" and "why did I have to do that" type. It's like constantly playing a "What If..." game with myself and it's hard to live each day with those types of thoughts in the back of my mind.

I'm also extremely indecisive. I find it hard to make even the simplest choices. When I get dressed in the morning, I actually have to set myself a time limit or I will (literally) spend hours in front the closet trying to figure out what I want to wear. For lunch, I practically eat the same thing every single day because, if I have too many options, I would never leave the kitchen. As I've gotten older, it's gotten better because I know I HAVE TO make a decision, but sometimes, making a decision can bring me to the point of tears because I don't want to make the wrong one.

Finally, and probably most importantly, I don't ever let go of anything. I may forgive, but I absolutely never, ever forget. I didn't have an easy childhood... and my life still isn't the easiest. It could have been worse, but then again, it could have been better. I keep replaying everything that has happened to me in my mind... it's like a video that I don't know how to turn off. I suppose Master put it best when He said "You can't let go..."

I guess all these things tie in together... they tie in together into one simple point: I'm scared. It's like, my physical body gets older with every birthday I have, but my mental body is staying stagnant... I am stuck in the constant mentality of a child. Maybe, in a way, I am trying to recapture the childhood that I lost and never got to have due to the situation I was put in during my youth. I know that, although I CAN act older, I have the propensity to act like a child... very silly and nonsensical. I'm afraid to face who and what I am, and so, I continually act like a child so that I don't have to face the everyday realities of myself.

Master keeps telling that I need to just close my eyes and jump... that He'll be there to catch me as I'm falling. It's not that I don't trust Him (which is what I think He honestly believes)... I don't trust me. I feel like a failure and total screw up (something that I know Master won't like to hear, but it's true... He can stop me from saying the words, but He can't stop me from feeling them... I am the only one who can do that). Master wants me to stop worrying about hurting Him and just let whatever is going to happen, happen. I know I should stop worrying so much, but I can't help it. I've always been the "motherly" type of person... caring for everybody else and putting everybody else's needs before mine. It's a hard habit to break.

I honestly need to let go. I need to close my eyes and jump. I need to trust Master to be there to catch me. And almost more importantly, I need to trust myself. I had an epiphany over the weekend... that I can never be the type of girl that Master needs and wants until I let go. Yes, it is (basically) something that He has been telling me for... basically forever... but it's something that I had to come to the realization of by myself... someway, somehow.

I need the freedom and control that Master's hand offers me. I already know that, if I am able to let go, I will fight it... that I will fight Him. I will always be the type of girl that needs and wants cuddles and loves, but I also know that I need and want a strong hand. I am just as comfortable cuddling with Master as I am with His hand around my throat, if not more so. Yes, I do have my limits, and yes, I know that Master and I will not always see eye-to-eye... but I also know, without a doubt, that this is what I want. It's not a sex thing... it's a love thing.

<3 Master's lil one, Jade

Happy Thanksgiving!

Well, another Thanksgiving, come and gone. Well, it's not over for most people, but for me it is because I'll be heading to bed within the next half hour. Yes, it's only 6:30 p.m. and I'll be in bed in the next 30 minutes. And why? Because I have to be up at 1 a.m. in order to be at my second (retail) job by 3:30 a.m. for the Black Friday madness. I wouldn't have to be up quite so early, but I'm picking up a fellow friend and co-worker because she doesn't have a car right now to drive herself. *sigh* I suppose one of my first (social work) job co-workers put it best... "You work tooooooooooooooo much..." lol

Either way, it's been a pretty good Thanksgiving. Pretty typical... lots of food and family and blah blah blah. Master and I went down to my dad's girlfriend's house (with His son) to spend the day with them. Now we're back and all just dweebing out until I go to bed (and Master said "and I'm poking you..." lol).

Wow. My life is booooooooooring.

I hope everybody had a good Thanksgiving!

<3 Master's lil one, Jade

The "Almost" Type

Well... another birthday... here and gone.

I can't believe how quickly the time goes... how quickly the days fly by as the world turns.

I can't believe I'm 24 years old... or rather, years young.

It was almost an "epic fail" type of birthday. It started out really roughly last night... but it turned around and ended pretty damn well.

Happy birthday to me.

<3 Master's lil one, Jade

Another Day...

I feel the need to write something... and yet, I am not quite sure what it is that I need to write.

My thoughts and feelings are all jumbled up inside me. It seems to happen every year around this time. I absolutely love the Fall. The weather is (generally) perfect, and the outside world is beautiful. Yet, I am left with this feeling of... emptiness. Some have asked me if I have SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) because of my mood swings and melencholy nature during the Fall and Winter seasons, but I am pretty sure that I don't (though I've never been tested for it). I never had problems with this time of the year (that I remember) until I was about 11 years old... until my parents got divorced.

Think about it this way... Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and my birthday all fall during the Fall and Winter seasons. These are my 4 all-time, most ultimate favorite holidays. When my parents got divorced, my family became broken and my heart ripped into pieces. Since then, coupled with the changing seasons and the days becoming shorter, I have had a lot less energy and an overwhelming feeling of sadness.

Sometimes I think that I will never again have a "real" family that I can spend the holiday's with... celebrating and enjoying the "togetherness." Many people have told me that I am lucky because I have 2 holidays... 2 birthdays, 2 Christmases, etc... but those are the people who have not had the heartbreak of having divorced parents. It's hard for me to sit around the tree on Christmas day and see the joy on everybody's face. It's hard for me to enjoy opening birthday presents without both of my parents there with me. It's hard to sit around the table on Thanksgiving day and find anything to really be thankful about without my whole family around me. It's just hard.

And it doesn't help that, most days, I feel as though I walk alone in the world. Yes, I talk to my siblings and my parents... and yes, I have Master. But at the same time, I don't really have any of them. They are all off doing what THEY want to do... they are all off doing whatever it is that THEY want to do. And me... I work and work and work and get nothing from it but more and more work. Master never comes to bed with me anymore. He spends 99% of His time on the computer. When He does come to bed, I am already asleep... and He gets up way after I leave for work in the morning. He'll get off His game here in a minute to watch wrestling... but I have to walk the dog and make His coffee and and and and and and... and then it'll be time for bed. And so, on the weekends, I spend most of my day on the computer playing the game He loves so much... just so that I can spend a little time with Him.

I won't ever leave Him... I love Him too much. And yet, sometimes, I wish things were different. I never dreamed my life would quite turn out like this... crying myself to sleep most nights that I don't crash the minute my head hits the pillow. But then again, what are dreams? They don't pay the bills. I suppose what my mother is always saying is so true: "You cannot change a person; You can only change your perception of a person." I never truly appreciated the wisdom of my parents (mainly my mother) until I grew up, but I guess that's how most children are... they never believe that anything that their parents say.

It's up to me, then, to make the most of my situation and do what I can to be happy. It's so hard though... to want something and have it always be just right out of reach...

<3 Master's lil one, Jade

La de da

So, apparently I suck at writing here anymore... but really, what am I supposed to write when everything has stayed pretty much exactly the same thing since the last time I wrote?

I am still basically still working myself to death... with 2 jobs and about a zillion hours every week. I think my brain has turned to mush. Sometimes I wonder how I actually function every day because I'm so tired. Unfortunatley, I've been having a lot of trouble sleeping. The later I go to bed, the better I sleep (because I completely exhaust myself)... but I also have more trouble getting up in the morning. It's a serious catch 22.

Master is still jobless. Right now, with the economy the way it is, jobs are few and far between. It sucks, but W/we're making it. Plus, not working doesn't kill His arm and knees and back... though sometimes I wonder how bad of a case of cabin fever He is nursing. I know that I'd like to get out sometime (and NOT to work)... so I'd assume that He's feeling the same. But then again, you know what they say when you assume... lol.

Things with the roommates are, for lack of a better word, frustrating. Things haven't improved. In fact, sometimes I think they've gotten worse. But that's just me. Master and I talk about it, which helps because I'm able to vent and I know He and I are mostly on the same page about everything. Unfortunately, it's just talk and I really would like to see some action at some point in time. That, however, is not going to happen until W/we all have a chance to sit down and talk... and that's going to be hard to do due to my work schedule and the male roommate's work schedule (we work opposite shifts). *sigh* C'est la vie.

Wow. My life is officially boring...

<3 Master's lil one, Jade

It's Been Awhile...

I guess that really sums it up... it's been awhile.

Things around here are, well, things. There's really not too much going on... nothing really good or bad. It's kind of stagnant... monotonous... generic. It's like... same shit, different day... nothing ever changes.

Sometimes, I'm not sure what to do with myself. I get up in the morning, go to work, come home from work, and crash. That's pretty much how my day goes. I'm still working about 65 or so hours per week in a 6 day work week. And even the 1 day a week that I have off I am usually running around doing something or another. So, I suppose I don't often really have a day "off" from work because I am always working.

As of late, I feel kind of "off." I'm moody and something just doesn't feel right. It's nothing that anybody else is doing really. I'm not sure if it's sleep deprivation or the change of season or what, but I'm happy one minute, frustrated the next... angry, sad, etc. I'm not sure what's going on, but even my cat has been acting weird. He's not the type of lovey cat... only really wants affection on his own terms... but for the past week or so, he's been up my butt. He's been sleeping near my feet at night (or in Master's spot when I first go to bed) and laying right by my chair at the computer or right by me when I'm watching TV on the couch. They say that animals have a 6th sense and know when something is happening/going to happen... I just hope it's nothing bad.

I've been listening to the same songs over and over again (Heart "Alone" and Roxette "Listen to Your Heart" and a select few others). It's not really all that abnormal for me because, when I find a song I really like or haven't heard in awhile, I listen to it to death. But it's like, I'm stuck in a rut and having trouble getting myself out of it. I feel as though I'm always complaining about something or another. Maybe it's just me... maybe it's something else... but something in my gut is telling me something's not right and I can't put my finger on it. Perhaps I'm just paranoid...

<3 Master's lil one, Jade

Broken

I'm not sure about anything anymore.

I can't help feeling anger and resentment toward everyone right now... including Master. I think a lot of my frustration and anger and resentment towards everyone comes from the fact that I do not feel as though my needs are being met. I do not feel as though my thoughts and feelings matter to anyone... including Master. He has shown a complete disregard towards everything I say, like He doesn't care and it doesn't matter to Him at all.

Today, Master allowed His 6 year old son (while I was at work) to play games on my laptop. Both Master and His son know that He is NOT to be on my laptop. I've told them many times. I know it sounds strange to say that I'm telling Master what to do, but this laptop was given to me by my father as a present and Master's son is 6 years old and kinda rough on the computer. If it were a desktop or even a laptop that I had purchased myself, it'd be a completely different story... but as it is, I didn't buy it myself, and therefore, Master's son is not allowed on it. There have been times where I have allowed His son to sit on my lap and either "help" me play a game (like solitare) or run around on WoW, but I am sitting right here and can tell him "gentle" or "stop." Those are the only times where He is allowed on my laptop...never by himself.

And that's what I mean... a complete disregard. I understand that Master is the one to "call the shots" around here, but I cannot live a life where my feelings and thoughts are not taken into consideration at all (thus the reason I consider myself more of a submissive than a slave)... I'm not sure I can be in a relationship where I'm not cared for and my needs are not being met. I love Master with everything I am... with everything I have... but I'm so depressed right now. And He is so... so... so... emotionally constipated and unavailable.

I'm so frustrated and angry right now... I'm about to stick my fist through a wall.

And now He's strutting around the house... acting fine around His son but really won't talk to me. He acts as though nothing is wrong and W/we never talk about anything... and although He seems perfectly fine, it's eating me up inside and I don't know where to go or what to do.

<3 Master's lil one, Jade

WoW/TV vs. me

Master and I are never have any alone time... never have any "together" time.

During the week, I leave the house around 8:15 in the morning to go to work, and I usually don't get back until 6:45 or later. When I get back, I eat dinner, do some sort of chore/cleaning, and then do my paperwork. By that time, I'm so exhausted that I'm ready for bed... and I usually go to bed a full half hour to hour before He does, if not more. By the time He comes to bed, I am finally drifting off to sleepy-bye land. I usually get woken up as He's climbing into bed and curling up next to me, but I usually fall back to sleep pretty quickly.

On Saturday, I work in the morning at my 2nd job and then come home and do chores/cleaning and hopefully have a little time to dweeb out and let my mind rest. Sunday comes around and I do laundry and other chores/cleaning. And of course, every other weekend, W/we have Master's 6 year old son... so I'm running around and taking care of him. So, in addition to having no time with Master, I have very little down time for myself.

All this time, while I'm working 50+ hours per week and taking care of the house (and Master's son every other weekend), Master is either on His computer playing WoW or plopped in front of the TV. I told Master this weekend that W/we should institute "daddy and me" time for the weekends where W/we have His son because His son told me that sometimes our roommate's son "annoys" him (which is understandable... it's like all of a sudden having an older brother), and Master agrees. It'll basically be an hour+ where Master and His son (and me if I'm not at work) will go out somewhere. I think it'll really help His son adjust to the new dynamics of our living arrangement as well as strengthen the father-son bond. I hope Master sticks to it...

Anyways, I digress. I really need and want some time with Master. I can feel my anxiety level rising... I can feel my frustration level rising... I can feel my anger level rising... and worst of all, I can feel my heart breaking. I've never been "high maintenence," but there are certain things that every person needs... and affection and time together are definitely two necessaries.

There is so much I need to get out... and I just don't know how... I just don't seem to be able to write and/or speak it all. *sigh*

<3 Master's lil one, Jade

Breathe... Just Breathe...

Life has been insanely hectic for the past month or so... I've hardly had time to sit and think much less sit and write. Hell, I haven't really had any "down time" or time to myself since the beginning of August, and it's really beginning to start to take it's toll on me.

So, Master's and my roommates have officially, finally moved in here. They got the rest of their stuff out of their old place the end of last week... and it's currently sitting around O/our little ass house in boxes and bags. To put it very bluntly, 90% of their crap has not been unpacked. I can't really complain about (I'll just call him M... so as to respect their privacy) M because he and I are working and he works some crazy hours. But (and I'll call her B for the same reason) B doesn't work. I could understand during the summer because she has an 8 year old with Autism... but he's in school now and she doesn't have to worry about him during the day. So, my question is: Why the hell isn't the shit getting unpacked and put away and organized?

To add to my stressload, school started Monday for the kids I work with. So, I am, once again, working over 40 hours a week. I go to school and home with kids who have Autism and then I come home and contend with a child who has Autism. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely adore the kids I work with, but it's really hard when I'm used to being able to come home and have some down time and get away from it all. Sometimes, I just want to sit down and cry... but I can't. Right now, I'm sitting in the rocker and rocking back and forth like crazy because it's so friggin soothing (instead of a regular chair at my desk, I have a glider lol). When I'm rocking, I feel so much calmer and can actually somewhat block out everything going on around me.

Life goes on, I suppose. I'm trying to hang in there like everybody keeps telling me, but I'm finding it harder and harder and harder with each passing day to "hang on" because I've been "hanging on" my entire life. I'm honestly afraid that I'll wake up one morning and not know who I am and where I am... and have a complete psychotic break. I feel myself pulling away from everybody... friends, family, and even Master. I need Master more than ever right now... and all He's doing is spending time on that computer game of His. I honestly don't think He realizes just how much I need Him.

<3 Master's lil one, Jade

Housemates

Due to the economy and it's general sucky-ness, Master and I now have friends who are in the process of moving in with U/us. Honestly, I thought it was going to be ok... I thought I was going to take this relatively well. I mean, thinking about it logically, these are people who used to come over every other weekend and W/we would all hang out. It never seemed like it would be a bad thing because W/we all got along so well, but to be completely honest with myself, I'm not taking it too terribly well. I'm trying not to let it show and make a big fuss or deal about it, but it's changing my entire routine... my entire structure... and I do NOT deal well with change.

I feel so put-out. I'm really trying so hard not to be so down and out about it all... it really is for the best (financially speaking). However, the very little "alone" time Master and I had before has gotten to be even less. And with Master being laid off (since the beginning of last week... oh so wonderful), money is even tighter and W/we need this even more than W/we did before. I'm just not sure how to approach everything.

Personally, I find myself to be more moody and much more clingy than I was before W/we had housemates. I need the physical contact... the reassurance that this is still my home and that "nothing is going to change," so to speak. I've felt so horrible lately, that I'm finding it difficult to motivate myself to do anything... cooking, cleaning, organizing. The thing is, I NEED to do it and do it quick. W/we live in a small house already, and adding 3 more people is just making it seem even smaller.

Don't get me wrong, I love O/our friends, I just... I just don't know what to do with myself. I feel so lost and confused and alone (even though there is at least one person around me at all times). I need Master now more than ever. I need the structure and stability... the comfort and love... the firm, yet gentle, hand... that He provides. I'm floundering in a sea wrecked by a storm, and I feel as though I am drowning. I'm having nightmares... I can't sleep... and I feel like crying every single time something happens.

I just don't know what to do with myself anymore.

<3 Master's lil one, Jade

Vacation

Well, I'm back from vacation.

I had fun at my mama's house... but seriously, I need a vacation from my vacation. lol I guess that's how it usually goes though. Really, I miss my mama and I love her dearly, but at the same time, I can only take her in small quantities. It was absolutely insane with my mama, her fiance, my 4 younger sisters and brother, Master and His 5 year old son.

Honestly, I'm glad to be home, but I do already miss my mama (and my sisters and brother).

<3 Master's lil one, Jade

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!

Today is Master's birthday!!

I asked Master last night if there was anything special He wanted to do today, but He said no. So, W/we really don't have any plans for today except for to hang out at the house and relax. Well, I have some things I have to do today, but I have a feeling Master will want to stay home instead of come along... which is just peachy with me cuz it's His special day!

In other news, things are going well. Currently, W/we have some friend's moving in with U/us... which is going to make living quarters tight, but it's workable. It's a lot of work and I'm officially beyond exhausted. With work and helping with the move from their old place to O/our place, there has been little down-time and sleeping. lol

I think I shall go spend a bit of time with Master before all the little ones wake up and start with the excessive noise that they seem to continually make. lol

<3 Master's lil one, Jade

And It Goes Something Like This...

Worthless.

Stupid.

Ugly.

Fat.

Failure.

These are just some of the things that I've been feeling about myself lately. Master will probably be angry with me for writing these things... much less thinking them. However, I need to get it all out. Master has told me that I am not allowed to say such things about myself... that I am not allowed to tear myself down. I suppose that means that I can't write them either, but I can't continue bottling it all up inside... I can't.

I can't explain why I feel this way... I just do. I am so far down in the depths of sorrow, and no matter how hard I try, I can't seem to pull myself out of the hole I've found myself in lately. Oh, I smile and I laugh I pretend that everything is ok when, in reality, I feel so hollow and empty. I haven't felt this bad in quite some time.

A couple of weekends ago Master and I had a really bad fight. Ever since then, I feel as though I am doomed to fail. I am trying so hard, and yet I feel as though I am just no good. I guess the old saying fits... rotting trees produce no good fruit. Maybe I really am bad? The thing is, I don't want to be.

It hurts... it hurts so bad. I don't remember it ever hurting this bad. Maybe I've just blocked out the pain... maybe I've just blocked out the memories. My heart hurts... my head hurts... my body hurts... my soul hurts. I hate feeling like this. I hate feeling so dead inside...

<3 Master's lil one, Jade

Sources of Frustration

A large source of my frustration comes from the fact that Master and I have been stuck in a rut. W/we are neither moving foreward nor are W/we moving backward. W/we're just standing still... like the stagnant waters of a mosquito breeding ground. I feel as though W/we are more vanilla than Master and submissive/slave... as I think He feels the same. The problem is, the way O/our life is going right now, it's almost as though W/we don't have the time to be what W/we want to be.

It does sound strange... I know that. It's like, "How can you not have time to live a lifestyle?" Well, until things settle down for U/us, Master cannot train me and I cannot learn. Most days, when I get home from work, I am so exhausted that I can barely function enough to make dinner and do the few things that I do, much less put the effort forth to be trained. Yes, there are some things that come naturally to me, but there are also some things that I would have to work at and actually focus on doing. To be Master and submissive/slave is what He and I both want, but W/we're running on empty in so many aspects of O/our lives that W/we have to fix those first before W/we can focus on O/our lifestyle. It sucks, but Master and I have discussed it and that's the way it has to be.

Another HUGE source of my frustration comes from the fact that I know Master would like to have a clean home, but as I've said a zillion times, I work anywhere from 50-60 hours a week and I just don't have time. I know how Master was with his last "submissive" (if you even really want to call it that). The house was a constant disaster area... really grotesquely disgusting. And I don't want Master and I living in that type of filth. I had all these plans to sweep through the house and get it straightened out once it left but that never happened due to my work schedule and the fact that it didn't leave until so close to the Christmas holiday last year. Master would get so angry with it because of the way she kept the house, and I don't want Master getting that angry with me... ever. But then again, as Master keeps pointing out, it didn't work and had ample time to clean (unlike myself).

Actually, Master has mentioned that He wants to me to stop stressing and relax a little bit. Worrying about everything has made me so high-strung that I'm snippy and bitter and bitchy all the time. I don't mean to be, honestly I don't, but I've got so much shit on my plate that it's getting to me. It's wreaking havoc on my carefully constructed sleeping pattern (which I need due to the chronic insomnia I've had pretty much my entire life)... which is, in turn, killing my mood and ability to function throughout the day. And of course that leads to me worrying more... which leads to more stress... so on and so forth.

The third major source of my frustration (which is actually parallel to the last reason) is the fact that I have not had any "down time" since the last time W/we went to Master's mother's house for the weekend... which was back in May. So, for 2 months or so, I have been running myself ragged... working Monday through Saturday and then trying to get all the chores done Saturday night and Sunday that should have been done throughout the week but that I didn't have time to get to.

W/we have Master's 5-year-old son every other weekend... and He keeps me running. Then, on the weekend that W/we don't have Master's son, W/we have friends over. Now, don't get me wrong... I love my friends and it's nice having them over, but at the same time, when they leave on Sunday, I have twice as much of a mess which then means twice as much work. Plus, I have absolutely no alone time with Master... which makes things very stressful for me. One would think that, since W/we live together, W/we would have ample "alone" time, but W/we really don't because He's always on His computer game and/or I'm always so exhausted that I can't carry on an intelligent conversation or stay awake to actually be with Him.

The final source of my frustration comes from the type of lifestyles that Master wants to live. I have known since the very beginning that Master is poly, and I'm ok with that. But lately, Master has been bringing it up more and more... which bothers me a little bit. For one, it makes me worry that Master is getting bored with me and is looking for something new and exciting. I know that isn't the case because Master has explained His reasoning to me... but unfortunately I am the type of person that seeing underlying meanings in things, even if they truly aren't there. Additionally, it makes me feel very inadequate. I feel as though I am not good enough, so Master needs another. I also know that this isn't true, but I do feel as though I need some reassurance every once in awhile.

I think the biggest worry I have about being poly (aside from losing Master) is my personality. I am fiercely protective of people I care about and that's gotten me in a good bit of trouble a few times. If Master and I divulge into a poly relationship with another girl and she and I get along and get close (which would be a GOOD thing), I'm afraid that I would eventually try and protect her from Master and lash out at Him for punishing her for whatever reason... and I wouldn't want to do that. In addition, my personality is highly stubborn and, quite honestly, OCD. Yes, I am submissive, but I am also a bit of a control freak (which doesn't make a whole lot of sense, but it's me). When it comes to things that I am in "control" of (for example, the housework), for lack of a better word, I have a system and an organizational method that I want followed, and I am afraid having someone else in the house would completely wreck that method. I want to be control, but at the same time, I know that I could never be fully TPE or Gorean because there are certain things that I have to have some control over or else I would probably have a psychotic break.

My life seems to be a series of frustrating events that just never end.

*sigh*

<3 Master's lil one, Jade

**It's been 5 years today since I lost you. R.I.P. my sweet R.C.R.... my sweet baby angel.**

I Don't REALLY Quit

I don't REALLY quit... and I guess I never really was going to in the first place.

Sometimes I just get so frustrated and upset that I just have to vent it all out before I do something I'll regret... like lashing out at the ones I love the most.

Either way. I'm still here... Master is still here... W/we are still here.

I'll write about everything some other time, but for now, it's late and I have to be up early.

<3 Master's lil one, Jade

I Quit

I think I just may scream.

And by scream I really mean... run around like a maniac hitting shit and screaming at the top of my lungs.

I'm so god damn fucking tired of all this shit.

Everything is MY responsibility... everything is MY fault.

Sorry. I'm not perfect.

Nor will I ever be perfect.

There is no way on the face of the planet that I can do everything by myself. I am ONE person. And I am NOT some super woman who is capable of doing everything.

I'm so close to breaking. I'm so close to the edge of the cliff... and I'm ready to jump.

I give up.

I QUIT.

Life sucks. And I'm done with it.

My First Date

It's a bit of a strange title for an entry... especially seeing as I'm 23 years old.

However, it is an all-too-true title.

This past weekend, Sunday night to be specific, Master took me on my first date. I was actually sitting in the living room doing my paperwork for my job (it's due Monday morning at the latest), and Master said took put away the ground beef I had gotten out for dinner because He wanted to take me out. I, of course, said that He didn't have to take me out. As much as I was absolutely ELATED that Master wanted to go out with me, I was also seriously worried about the financial difficulties that W/we've been having. To make a long story short, He said that W/we were going out... and that was the end of that dicussion (though I did request that W/we wait until I had finished writing up my paperwork... which W/we did).

So, after I was done with my paperwork, I took a quick shower and got dressed... and W/we headed out to Longhorns for dinner. It's a kind of pricy steakhouse, but it's where He wanted to go. I was worried about the expenses... but Master basically told me to shut up. lol There I was on my first date fretting about how expensive O/our meal was going to be when I shouldn't have had a care in the world. Well, W/we ordered O/our food and everything was great... until I found a rather large piece of plastic in my mashed potatoes! W/we called the waiter over and he called his manager. The manager appologized profusely, went and got me a new side of mashed potatoes AND comp'd the entire meal! So in the end, W/we only had to pay for Master's food (which still totaled to $25)!

Afterward, W/we went to drop my paperwork off at the main office and then went to Wal-mart for a new headlight and wiperblade for Master's car. He also wanted to look at the weed-whackers (O/ours died). W/we ended up not buying a weed-whacker, but did find the light and the blade. To end the night, W/we went and watched fireworks... for the second night in a row. Of course, I was worried about the time and Master getting enough sleep since He had to work the next morning... but again, I was told to shut up. lol

I think the BEST part of the night was... I got to spend time with Master. Like... really really really spend time with Him. W/we didn't spend a whole lot of money and W/we didn't really do anything special. I mean, it was special, but W/we didn't dress up and go "all out" and I think that's what I liked about it. It was just Him and me... together.

And just to point out how sweet Master is, while W/we were watching fireworks, I said "Aren't they beautiful?" And He said "Not as beautiful as what I get to see every day." Usually when He says stuff like that, I make some snide retort (I hate my body), but something stopped me that night and I just let myself take the compliment and let myself feel loved and wanted.

It was a beautiful, absolutely wonderful night...

Well, minus the plastic in my mashed potatoes! lol

<3 Master's lil one, Jade

All the Randomness

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately.

Think. Think. Think. Think.

I feel like Winnie the Pooh. lol

I've got so much going on in my head. It's absolutely ridiculous. I can't seem to sort out one thing from another. It's all just going round and round and round in there, and I'm starting to get dizzy. I guess the best way to put it is... I'm overwhelmed.

First and foremost, my house is atrocious. I need to clean... and clean... and clean. But I'm so damn tired all the time I hardly know which way is up (then why, you ask, am I up at 11 p.m.... I have no idea). Plus, with my work schedule, it leave little time for cleaning. As much as I want to get things done, I get home and just crash. It's like major brain overload. And it doesn't help that I work a very emotionally (and to some degree, physically) exhausting job. So, when I get home, I just need to curl myself away and forget the world. But I try to keep pushing and pushing and pushing myself... though I know if I do that too too too much, I will eventually snap and it will be very very very bad.

Secondly, I need to get out of this damn house. Yes, I work and I'm hardly AT my house. But that's not what I mean. I need to go out and do something. Even if it's just going to the park for a picnic. I need to get out and spend just a little one-on-one time with Master. He and I have been so busy that it's ridiculous. I think the longest conversations W/we have anymore are the ones when W/we're lying in bed ready to fall asleep. And even those only last a few minutes. I'd love to go to the park... or hiking... or something. W/we don't have to go out and spend money (like W/we have any to spend anyway... fuckin economy). I just want to be with Him... away from the computers and the TV and all that jazz. You know... turn off the phones and just disappear from the world for a day.

And finally, I think I need a mentor. Like, somebody who has been in the lifestyle for awhile... yet has some similarities to me and my situation. I'd like somebody who has some of the same likes and dislikes and is about my age to help me learn and grow and understand. Master is absolutely amazing, but He can't really help me all too much from my end. I've always been a relatively fast learner, but I'm also ridiculously stubborn and kind of have the mindset of "if I don't wanna, I'm not gonna." That... and I'm shy. Like, I have everything in my brain and I know, but I'm not sure how to put it into practice because I find myself being embarassed quite often. I have friends, but none that are in the lifestyle (though they do kind of know about it) and so they really can't understand and help too much. I just really wish I had someone to talk to... to be able to vent to and work things out with. I have Master, but as I said... He can't really help me from my end of things. *sigh*

My brain is so jam-packed full. I feel like I'm going 'round in circles. And I really feel as though I'm repeating myself over and over and over. It's like... bitch, moan, cry, complain... blah blah blah. I don't mean it to sound like that, but I have to get it out. So, I'm sorry if I sound like a wimpy whiner... I just need to get it out. Hell, I'm not even sure half of this makes sense to anybody. Sometimes when I go back and read what I've written, I'm like "WTF was I talking about." It's so confusing.

And I just ramble on... and on... and on... and on.

Ok. Perhaps I should go to bed now.

<3 Master's lil one, Jade

Sunday

Sunday was a very special day.

Not only was it Father's Day...

But it was also exactly 1 year to the day since Master collared me.

*sigh*

Even though W/we spent the majority of it with my psycho family... it was a good day. I'm not sure Master remembered what the day was, but I did and kept it in the back of my mind.

<3 Master's lil one, Jade

Clarification

I suppose I really should clarify a few things from the other night...

While I was sitting on the bed bawling and fighting the urge to just rip my skin wide open, Master came in and said something like "I know this might sound mean, but you need to get the fuck over it. It's been a year and a half and still you don't have full trust in me. I've been in this lifestyle for over 20 years and I know what I'm doing. You need to decide what you want..." (not exactly verbatim, but close enough to get the point).

First and foremost, when I get scared or angry... like really really really scared or angry... I shut down and I just react. When I say "just react," people think "Well, most people really don't think about what they are doing when they are in a stressful sitution." However, I am not like most people who can control themselves. When I say I "just react" I mean that my body takes over and I am no longer in control. I, literally, black out and do NOT remember what I am doing. It is a VERY bad thing, which is probably the main reason that I right so hard to keep my temper under control because, if I don't, I honestly don't know what I am capable of and I do not want to EVER hurt someone... especially someone I love.

So, to put me in that type of situation... where my heart starts to pound and I can feel my fear and temper rising... I have to leave or else who knows what may happen. I understand that Master is a very strong man, but I'm not sure even He could subdue me enough to calm me down in order for me to "regain consciousness," so to speak. He tells me not to underestimate His strength, but at the same time, He cannot underestimate mine. It scares me shitless to know that I am capable of hurting one or both of us without even really being there. So, it's not necessarily Master that I don't trust... It's ME.

Secondly, I do understand that Master knows what He is doing. I do understand that He has been in this lifestyle for quite some time and that I am very new. However, Master also has not really swung a flogger (or anything else) for a year or so. He had surgery on His arm August of '08 and was out of commission for a little while before that and up until now. Although He knows what He is doing, He has to get the feel of it back. In addition, seeing as I am a "spanking virgin" (haha), He has to be very careful with me in the beginning until W/we figure things out.

Master also told me that He did NOT want to use me to start getting His arm back in shape due to the fact that I am brand new. However, He said the other night that He had to because He doesn't have anybody else He can use. I understand this, but He cannot do it in anger the first time because W/we don't know or understand how my mind and body will react (Oh, and Master has a specific flogger for punishment- at least I don't think He uses it for anything else- "Mr. Nasty" lol). W/we need to really start working on getting me aclaimated to the lifestyle because W/we really haven't been living it 24/7 like W/we intended.

Anyways, Tuesday (the day after our big blowout), Master finally fixed the vacuum. It was majorly clogged and was not suctioning right at all. W/we do have a smaller vacuum, but it doesn't pick up like the big one does. AND He vacuumed the living room for me. *happy smile* I guess it's Master's way of saying "I'm sorry. I love you. And I forgive you." At least I HOPE that's what He was trying to say. Either way, that's what I take from it!

<3 Master's lil one, Jade

A Short Confession

I have never been spanked/flogged/whipped before in my life... save for when my parents spanked me as a child.

Master has smacked my ass and breasts with His hand, but at the same time, it's not the same as using some sort of impliment (crop, flogger, paddle, etc) on me. Truthfully, I DO enjoy pain, and I have not found exactly where my tolerance is yet. I find some bliss in pain... it's a huge emotional release for me.

Right now, Master is upset with me for, yet again, having a smart mouth. Honestly, I didn't really realize that I was having a smart mouth with Him. W/we were texting back and forth and I got carried away. I couldn't tell that He was becoming upset... and He, of course, didn't tell me. I thought W/we were just playing back and forth as W/we do quite often.

Just a few moments ago, He came at me with one of His floggers (towards my front), and naturally, I flinched and backed away. I am dreadfully afraid of anything coming towards my face due to the abuse I endured as a child/adolescent. I tried to stay still, but that whole "fight for flight" moment presented itself and I thought I might have passed out due to fear. I tried to pretend that I wasn't scared, but I was... oh, I was.

Now, Master is even more angry with me. He threw the flogger and said "Just throw the shit away then!" He stalked off and I went to clean up... and a few minutes later, He came in and started throwing all of His toys in a drawer and in the closet. I honestly don't know what to think or what to do. I'm so afraid that this may be the end of U/us... but at the same time, I can't help but be angry as well.

I'm sorry... but the first time I get flogged/spanked/whipped, it CANNOT be in anger. I will grow to fear the toys that are meant to be painfully pleasurable. I'm already scared enough as it is, and for Him to do what He just did makes me even more scared. I WANT to be able to please Master, but He knows my past and I thought He understood. Apparently, I was completely mistaken in assuming.

Right now, all I want to do is cause myself pain... and I pray to whatever god(s) there is/are that I am able to control it...

<3 Master's lil one, Jade

How to Deal

And I'm not talking about the movie!

When I am upset (about anything at all), I am the type of person who gets VERY quiet. I keep my problems to myself and fight a silent war within my own mind. I know it's not always the healthiest way to cope with my problems, but it's the only way I know how to deal with the different things that arise in my life. And hell, it's a lot healthier than some of the things I used to do (and every once in awhile, get the urge to do again but don't do) when I was younger.

Sometimes I talk a lot and people don't even know that I am upset. Other times, I speak very little and people usually notice that something is wrong, though I can generally brush it off as "being tired." And other times, I am completely silent, not even speaking when it is necessary (ie: when I am spoken to). Most of the time when I am completely silent, it's not that I don't WANT to talk... it's that I CAN'T. It's like, I can't even physically make my mouth move even though the words in my head are screaming to get out and be heard.

When Master and I first started seeing each other, I warned Him about this... tendency... to not talk when I am very upset. Since being with Him (or more recently, living with Him), this has happened twice... that I have gotten so upset that I didn't/couldn't talk. Well, both times He has gotten really, REALLY angry, and to be completely honest, Him getting angry actually makes things worse. The anger I see and feel from Him seals my lips shut and makes me retreat even farther into myself.

I understand that I am supposed to be able to talk to Master and tell Him what is bothering me, etc. And I CAN talk to Master... except when I am extremely upset about something. I can a little while later, but I need time in order to compose my thoughts and loosen my tongue. More than half the time when I am upset, I don't even know WHAT I am upset about (and I've told Master this as well). Usually I figure it out and then I can talk about it, but it takes me more than 2 minutes. Sometimes it can last 30 minutes... sometimes and hour... sometimes more. The longest I've gone without speaking to anybody was about 36 hours (I think). I'll eventually come out of it. While I'm "in" it, so to speak, I need love and kindness and caring. It's not something that's easy to deal with, but it's part of who I am.

Part of me wonders if Master thinks that I am upset with Him and that hasn't been the case (yes I have gotten upset with Him but not so much that I can't speak). Sometimes it comes from something I see... sometimes it comes from something I hear... sometimes it comes from a conversation I'm having... sometimes it comes from a memory... and sometimes it comes out of absolutely nowhere. I don't know why I get so upset over things; I just do. I'll just chalk it up to having a very tender, sensitive heart.

<3 Master's lil one, Jade

Shoes and flowers

I hate shoes.

And by hate, I mean totally and completely abhor shoes. Unless it's absolutely necessary, I do NOT wear shoes. I suppose some of my dislike of shoes comes from growing up in a household where shoes are not allowed to be worn inside (it's a cultural thing). It also probably comes from not being forced by my parents to wear shoes while outside in the yard (we lived in a VERY suburban area). So, my feet are unaccustomed to wearing shoes... to being restricted and not being allowed to breathe. Probably 98% of the shoes that I own are of the "flip-flop" variety. So, for most of my life, I haven't worn shoes unless I absolutely have to (ie: for work).

Master, however, has a more... strict... shoe policy. If I go outside, I am to wear shoes. No ifs, ands, or buts about it. Now, if I'm just putting the dog out back, He doesn't really say anything, but if I go outside for any other reason, I am supposed to wear shoes. I can see His point in wearing shoes if I step outside the house because W/we live in a small city and you never know what is on the ground. But at the same time, it is not habit for me to put shoes on to, say, run out to the car or walk the dog.

This morning, I was taking the dog out across the street to go potty when Master was leaving for work. Of course, I didn't stop and put my shoes on first. He was right behind me when I walked out the door... and then He wasn't. When I turned around to make sure that everything was ok, I saw the look on His face and came back inside and put my shoes on. My comment to Him: "Don't need no damn shoes." He simply said: "You're gonna get your ass beat." He has yet to "beat my ass" for such a minor infraction (or for anything really)... but it still makes me grumble inside when I think about just how much stock He puts in wearing shoes. *grumble grumble*

On another note, Master bought me flowers... a dozen red roses. He laid them upstairs on my pillow and didn't say anything when I got home. I went upstairs and got changed after work (icky dress clothes)... didn't notice them. I went upstairs and took my bra off after Master told me to (Master says no bras in the house- a rule I have trouble following because I hate not wearing something supportive cuz I'm so big)... I didn't notice them. I went upstairs and went to lay down after Master said "Go lay down for a minute" (which I thought was a peculiar request)... I FINALLY noticed them. lol Apparently, Master should have just hit me over the head with them.

But they make me smile. Master may not be one for cuddling (without roaming hands lol), but He always finds some way to remind me just how much He loves me.

<3 Master's lil one, Jade

Freedom... or maybe not?

Sometimes I miss my freedom.

And what I mean by freedom is... I miss not having anybody to worry about but myself. You see, I've been taking care of people since I was 11 years old and my parents divorced. My sisters and I went to live with our father who was, and to some extent still is, helpless in all matters relating to the household. He didn't know how to cook or clean or anything. So, I learned how to cook, clean, and do the laundry and dishes. I also raised my sisters.

Now, here I am in a relationship where I am, once again, taking care of somebody else. I cook for Master... I clean for Master (well, when I have the time)... I do the dishes and the laundry... I walk the dog (His dog, might I add). And I work my tushy off so that W/we can have money to hopefully get ourselves back on track financially.

Sometimes I wonder what I'm getting myself into... I've devoted my entire life to helping and taking care of other people. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE taking care of people. I mean, I'm a Social Worker, for goodness sake! If I didn't like taking care of people, I would NOT have majored in Social Work in college. lol When I was living alone, with nobody to take care of but myself, I always knew that there was a piece missing from my heart and soul. I was never completely happy, but I didn't know why. But as much as taking care of other people, helping and loving them, makes me feel good and makes me happy, I still wonder... Is there anybody who wants to take care of me?

I miss being held and cuddled... with no roaming hands and pinching/poking/smacking/etc. I don't really need it often, but I DO need it. I have this unquenchable thirst to feel as though I am needed and loved. Sometimes, I don't feel as loved as I know I am because Master and I don't get to spend the time together that I would like... and I know the blame is shared between U/us for that. Sometimes, I really just want to revert back to being a child... put a movie on, get some popcorn, and just snuggle.

I REALLY missed Master this weekend. W/we hardly saw each other, even though W/we were both here at home. *sigh*

Now that I'm really thinking about it, it's not "freedom" that I'm missing lately... it's the freedom that comes from being in another's arms...

<3 Master's lil one, Jade

You say...

You say that You love me...

But sometimes, I really don't see it.

I love Master with all my heart, body, mind and soul, but sometimes I get really frustrated and angry with the things He does. Maybe I shouldn't... maybe I should. I honestly don't know. I can't help but feel as though He is being selfish and lazy sometimes. I hate to associate those words with Master because He really is neither a selfish nor lazy Man, but I also cannot really change how I feel sometimes. Oh, I can mask them and cover them up... I can ignore them and pretend that they are no there... but deep down inside me, they are eating away at my heart. I'm not sure which hurts more though: The fact that I feel this way or the fact that I'm not sure Master knows because I am not able to vocalize my feelings (to Him or anybody else for that matter).

It's not easy to explain WHY I feel this way, but I will do my best and try. To start with, I work 6 days a week (Monday through Saturday)... with a grand total of somewhere around 55-60 hours a week. This includes: face-to-face time with clients, drive time, time it takes to do paperwork, meetings/supervisions, and my second job. My only day off is Sunday... and that is the day that I am supposed to be able to relax and spend time with Master (and Master's son when W/we have him for the weekend). Instead, I am trying to do the dishes and laundry and clean the house. Unfortunately, I am usually so tired come Sunday that I am barely functioning.

Right now, my home is an absolutely disaster area. I haven't vacuumed in a month (and W/we have a cold-weather dog who is shedding like crazy right now because of the temperature change) and I have laundry in the drying and in a basket that I have yet to fold/hang. I just did the dishes that have been sitting since Sunday night and re-packaged all the meat that was bought on Monday afternoon (W/we buy in bulk, so I repackage it before I freeze it). Master once told me that, if He saw that I was trying to keep the house clean and I was struggling, He would help me... but all He does is sit on His computer and play WoW.

Right now I am working and He is not (He does collect partial unemployment because He is still techincally employed)... and I am the one that is doing all the housework. Yes, I know that I am His and that I am supposed to do whatever makes Him happy and whatever He tells me to do, but at the same time, shouldn't I also be looking out for my personal health and well-being? What good is a submissive/slave who is so tired/sick all the time that she (or he in some cases) cannot function properly? Not so good, one would think.

Master tells me all the time that He loves me, and I know that He does... but sometimes I don't SEE that He loves me. To me, SEEING that He loves me is just as important as HEARING that He loves me. No, I'm not talking about flowers or gifts or anything of that nature. I am talking about, for instance, helping me around the house without me having to ask. Sometimes I wonder, does Master just not see that I am struggling or does He not care? I'm pretty sure He cares and I'm pretty sure He sees... so what is it then?

Tonight I melted down completely. I was trying to take the trash out and Master started His normal playing around with me. Well, it got me mad enough that I grabbed His arm and stopped Him. I know I shouldn't have, but at the same time, I have precious little time to do household work as it is and for Him to be right there slowing me down... well, it's very frustrating. Anyways, that started a little tiff, and to make a long story short, I ended up in the closet (one of my "hiding" spots) bawling my eyes out.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm at the end of my rope and I feel myself slipping. I really need to talk to Master, but He's not one for talking. Every time I try, He's sitting in front of the TV or the computer... so I've just about given up. My heart hurts... my head hurts... my very soul hurts. I don't want to and I can't give up on Master and me, but sometimes I feel as though I'm butting heads with a brick wall.

Even as I type this, tears are streaming down my face.



<3 Master's lil one, Jade

A Touchy Subject

Today while I was at school with my 6th grade kiddo, one of his classmates was trying to come up with the word "strike." They were in music class answering a question about percussion instruments and how they make sound. The answer was "by striking." Well, he couldn't come up with the answer, but he was hitting himself in the arm with a flat palm (like "spaking" his arm) and his teacher made a joke about him being a masochist. Of course, the whole class started giggling and making jokes.

Now, as they are only in 6th grade (at a Christian school), I'm not quite sure they understand the word "masochist" in its entirety. However, I couldn't help but feel slightly annoyed and angry that she (the teacher) took masochism so lightly as to joke about it. I know that it wasn't meant in any harmful way, but it's like making a gay joke in front of a guy who's gay but nobody knows it. It's just wrong. Maybe I'm being a little touchy about it, but I can't help it.

I am a masochist. I like pain... no, not like... love. I don't remember a time where I didn't feel this way. To me, pain is pleasurable. It's such an intense feeling... such a rush. I love the feeling I get when I'm in pain... the lightheadedness and floating sensation. Pain also gives me a release (emotionally). I usually start to cry and scream which probably scares people, but to me, it's cathartic. I haven't found my threshold for pain yet, but I know that I will eventually.

To me, being a masochist isn't just a word, it's a part of my life and a part of who I am, and for somebody (especially an educator) to joke about it and take it lightly really frustrates me. Masochism and BDSM aren't just a couple of kinks for me... they're my choosen way of life (emphasis on choosen). Yes, I know that I am still new to this lifestyle and yes I still have a lot to learn, but I also know that this is what I want AND need.

I just wish people would understand.

<3 Master's lil one, Jade

Broken Dams and Stronger Bonds

Last night was very interesting.

Master and I went to the club and had a lot of fun. It was pretty dead in there (I'm going to assume that it's because it's Mother's Day today and a lot of people were visiting with their mothers/grandmothers), but I still loved going. I think a lot of it was just getting out of the house and away from here for a little while. Although it costs an arm and a leg (money which W/we really do not have to spend), it's well worth the outing. Plus, W/we got to spend some time with a good friend AWAY from the computers and WoW. lol

But that's not even the most interesting part. Oh no. Not by far.

Once Master and I got home... things started happening. Let me start by saying, I have been VERY sassy and belligerent and bratty the past few days, and even though I'd never admit it outloud, I KNOW that I have. I just couldn't contain the little girl in me anymore. Whenever I get emotional and keep it all bottled up inside, the bratty side of me comes out, and I had a lot of emotions raging through my body. I know that I need to have more self control, but... Anyways, I suppose I took things a bit too far at the club last night. I was teasing Master and just generally being "bad."

So, when Master and I got home, He decided I needed to be taught a lesson. Well, about half-way into things, something inside me snapped. It was like a dam broke inside my head and all the emotions I'd been bottling up for the past week came flooding out. I was crying... no, I was bawling. I mean, full out bawling, screaming, hyperventilating. I think the completely raw emotion kind of scared Master because He stopped and held me for awhile (which was probably a good thing because I was so hysterical there was no way in hell I could have even begun to utter my safe words).

I needed last night. I needed to be scared out of my mind. I needed to be put... no, not put, THROWN, back into my place. I needed to be forced. I needed to struggle. I needed to cry. I needed to be broken down. I needed to be held. And as sore and tired as I am this morning, I needed it... and I am thankful for it.

In retrospect, I think that last night made me closer to Master. Even though I kept flinching from His touch for a little while, it ultimately made the bond between U/us stronger. It reminded me of just how much He loves me... or else He wouldn't have put me through Hell last night. Right now, just recapping it in my mind makes me want to cry. But for now, I am going to spend a little time with Master because He's not on WoW (He was for awhile, but He's a bit hung over this morning).

<3 Master's lil one, Jade

Exhausted

That basically says it all.

I haven't been going to bed until late, and I have to get up early every single day during the week. Monday through Thursday I work an 11-hour day, and Friday I work a 9(ish)-hour day Though it may be Friday, I still have to be up by 6 tomorrow in order to get to work (my second job) by 8. And then I work from 8-4 on a freaking Saturday morning. Weeeeeeeee. *grumble grumble grumble* I will finally get to sleep in on Sunday, but who knows what time I'll go to bed Saturday night.

I really dislike working at 6-day work week. And with the long hours I pull, it kills almost any free time I have. Yes, I have been coming home and getting on WoW for an hour or so, but I can't work all day and come home and work some more. It's too frustrating to not have any down time... to not have any time to unwind. I should come home and do other thing (dishes, paperwork, etc), but I can't do it. I've tried to force myself to NOT get on WoW, but in all honesty, I'm REALLY grumpy if I do work and don't have any "me" time.

I know that Master and I need the money (which is the core of why I am doing this). With Him not working (though He is collecting unemployment), W/we're constantly short on money. But at the same time, this is just about killing me. I hope the economy picks up soon...

<3 Master's lil one, Jade

Torn

Before anybody asks...

Yes, I am still here.

And yes, I am still alive. Barely. lol

So, life around here has been craaaaaaaaaazy. I offically started my TSS job a few weeks ago. I have 3 kiddos (all boys) with varying degrees of special needs. I started my first week with just one kiddo... basically just trying to get the feel of things and getting to know him. Last week, I met my second and third clients and started with the second last week. I was supposed to start with my third the beginning of this week, but he was taken into the hospital on Sunday. Turns out he had appendicitis and had to have his appendix out on Monday... so I probably won't start with him until next week. Basically, I'll be gone from 8 in the morning until about 7 at night. Then, once I get home, I have to do paperwork (which usually takes about an hour or so). Plus, I have weekly supervision for an hour and drive time between clients. I'm also still working my retail job on Saturday mornings... which means that my only day off is Sunday.

And on top of ALL of that, I have laundry and dishes and my regular housework to keep up with on a daily basis. In all honesty, I'm not doing a very good job... with the housework part of it as least. I'm keeping up with laundry and dishes for the most part, but there's SO much more stuff that I have to do that I haven't had a chance to do. I need to vacuum/mop and I need to clean the bathroom... I need to pick up the living/diningroom and I still have my crap allllllllll over the attic room that needs put away.

In all honesty, I CAN do it. I know that I can do it, but at the same time, I would have absolutely no down-time... I would have no time to decompress and de-stress. I can't live that way. I really don't think that anybody can. A person would just explode if they tried to do everything all the time by themselves. If you can do it without exploding, kudos to you... but I can't (and I know I can't).

But at the same time, I can't ask Master for help. Well, I can... but I CAN'T. For one, His back and knee has been really bothering Him lately (not to mention His arm). Plus, He's really stressed with everything going on right now and not working (though He did work today and will go in tomorrow... not sure about Friday yet). And another thing... I am HIS and I am supposed to take care of all this shit. Whenever He does stuff (for instance, the dishes), I always feel bad that I didn't get it done. I enjoy doing things for Master... I enjoy making Him happy. But lately, I just feel angry with Him because He's not helping. No, I haven't asked Him for help, but part of me thinks that He should know without me asking that I need some help (even though I know that's not right).

I'm torn. I don't want to be angry with Master, but I also don't want to ask Him for His help. I am His submissive, and therefore, I should be the one to keep up with everything. There's only so many hours in the day though. I don't know what to do...

<3 Master's lil one, Jade

Been awhile

It's been awhile.

Yes I am still here... and yes I am still alive.

Things have been REALLY hectic around here lately. I started a new job as a TSS and I'm finally getting into the swing of things. It's hard being gone from 8 a.m. until almost 7 p.m. And then when I get home, I have to do my paperwork... which takes somewhere between and hour and an hour and a half. On top of that, I have dishes to do, a dog to walk, coffee to make... etc etc etc. I'm not quite sure how I'm going to survive. Don't get me wrong, I love working with my kiddos, but at the same time, it's VERY emotionally draining.

Things with Master are good. I still love Him more and more everyday and He still loves me. Right now, that's pretty much what's getting U/us through day to day. His back is out... so He's having trouble sleeping (which is, in turn, disturbing my sleep) and doing just about anything else. *le sigh*

I'm getting ready for off to work... and all I want to do is go back to sleep. lol Sunday... sleep in day. *laughs at self* Ok... yeah right! W/we have the kiddo this weekend... and he ALWAYS gets Master and I up at like 7:30 or so (though Master does try and keep him from waking me up, it doesn't always work).

Ok... and I'm off. *mutters to self- pack lunch, eat breakfast, possibly balance checkbook...*

<3 Master's lil one, Jade

Waiting for dinner

Just cuz it's fun... and funny!!!

RULES:Go to Google and type in your first name and the phrase. Copy and paste the first sentence/phrase you get that makes sense.

Q: Type in "[your name] needs" in the Google search.
A: JADE NEEDS... mental help really badly (ROTFLMFFAO)

Q: Type in "[your name] looks like" in Google search.
A: JADE LOOKS LIKE... rose mcgowan (yeah, ok)

Q: Type in "[your name] says" in Google search.
A: JADE SAYS... goodbye at christening (what, am I going to die?)

Q: Type in "[your name] wants" in Google search.
A: JADE WANTS... to save all the money possible (definitely true!!!!)

Q: Type in "[your name] does" in Google search.
A: JADE DOES... michael jackson (ewwwwwwwwwww... not with a 100 foot pole)

Q: Type in "[your name] hates" in Google search.
A: JADE HATES... college (not really hate... but not love either)

Q: Type in "[your name] asks" in Google search.
A: JADE ASKS... for coke (yummy)

Q: Type in "[your name] goes" in Google search.
A: JADE GOES... wild (who? me? NEVER! hehe)

Q: Type in "[your name] likes " in Google search.
A: JADE LIKES... pubes (that's why I shave... um, ok)

Q: Type in "[your name] eats " in Google search.
A: JADE EATS... people (so now I'm a cannibal)

Q: Type in "[your name] wears " in Google search.
A: JADE WEARS... a very small t-shirt (uh, not so much)

Q: Type in "[your name] was arrested for" in Google Search.
A: JADE WAS ARRESTED FOR... several accounts of attempted murder (apparently I fail at killing folks... since they were only attempted... damn)

Hot n Cold

I love sleeping next to Master.

However, I have found that sleeping next to Master in the wintertime is very different than sleeping next to Him in the summertime. Actually, it's not necessarily just a winter and summer thing... it's more of a hot and cold thing.

Master... well, He radiates heat like no other. Seriously, what is cold to a "normal" person feels good to Master. So, during the winter, it's great sleeping next to Him because it's like having a heating pad that never turns off. Unfortunately, it's starting to get warmer, and even with the fan blowing last night, I was too damn hot and having quite a bit of trouble sleeping.

I'm honestly not sure what W/we're going to do once summer hits. W/we don't have central air, but W/we do have a few of those window air conditioners. I'm hoping that those will be enough to keep me cool during those hot summer months or else W/we may have to come up with other options. I mean, I hardly slept last night with Master tossing and turning and me just being too hot... and I'm tired and cranky (and so I am more or less avoiding Master so that I don't end up saying something stupid). Actually, I've been cranky for the past few days, but that's a story for another time. Either way, I can't go all summer without sleeping, and unless W/we can figure something out, I'm going to end up sleeping on the floor... and I highly doubt that Master would even consider that as an alternative!

*sigh* I've got shit to do... but I just don't wanna. In fact, I just wanna go back to sleep (which I tried this morning, but I couldn't cuz Master was already up and my body was going... NO). *pouts*

Gah. I feel like somebody hit me over the head with a 20 pound mallet. Actually... if I knew what it felt like to get run over by an 18-wheeler... I would probably figure that how I feel now is just about right.

<3 Master's lil one, Jade

Have you ever felt...

Angry, when you shouldn't have been?

Sad, when there was really no reason to be?

Scared, of something stupid?

Worried, about things that are out of your control?

Confused, about all the things you're feeling?

Safe, at a time when you normally may not?

I've felt all of those things, and more, over the past few days. It's been a lot of ups and downs and loop-de-loops... going round and round and round. All these feelings are leaving me exhausted. I don't think I've ever been so tired after just waking up in the morning. It's like, I feel as though my heart is running a marathon and my physical body is lagging behind and can't catch up. I'm trying to put all of my feelings of doubt and worry and confusion to the side and focus on Master, but that's a lot easier said than done.

But anyways, enough about that. I'm going to focus on that last little feeling... or BIG feeling... because I think I really need to.

Let me start by saying this, I am a strong girl... always have been. I'm not a tiny little pixie princess who's fragile and frail. I can lift heavy things and hold my own in a fight (I know because I've done it). I'm also a big girl... not obese (though the BMI charts all tell me I am)... but a big girl. For the longest time, I was VERY uncomfortable with myself and my body... hell, who am I kidding? I STILL am... but not around Master so much anymore. Even as strong as I am, Master is stronger. It honestly surprises me just how strong He really is because I sometimes do forget when W/we haven't been, um, physical for awhile.

Anyways, the other night, Master and I had words regarding O/our relationship. W/we weren't yelling or screaming or anything like that, but W/we had words. Well, last night, Master decided to be... um, well... Master. He actually started being a bit more like He was when I first met Him, and I realized just how well I do read Him and His wants/needs. And for the first time in a long time, I really felt totally and completely loved. It's not that He ever makes me feel unloved (at least not intentionally... and most of it is my perception of things)... it's just that W/we slid so far away from the life W/we want to live and I'm quite sure it was hurting both of U/us, whether or not W/we realized it.

Then, He decided to take what was His last night at bedtime. It was just Him and me... with Him using His body to restrain me. At one point, He asked me if I was scared and I shook my head "no" (I wasn't able to talk at this point in time) and He said "You should always be a little bit scared." And a thought went through my head... He loves me and I know He's never going to hurt me (like really hurt me... in the bad way), why should I be scared? I think there has been only ONE time where He actually scared me...

I guess it's one of those, there are different faces of "scared"... and with Master, it's not necessarily the fear of what is going to happen. Instead, it's the fear of not knowing what is going to happen. It's like, whatever happens, I know Master is right there and will protect me and not actually hurt me... but at the same time, Master can be so mysterious that I never know what He's going to do, and that part's a little bit frightening. It's not the "what" that scares me, it's the "not knowing" that scares me.

So, Master took me and did whatever He wanted... and while I'm somewhat sore from my head down to my toes... I keep replaying it over and over in my head and smiling.

<3 Master's lil one, Jade

Flowers

I got flowers today.

Not really sure why exactly... but I have a feeling it's for 2 reasons.

One... because I am sick. I woke up Tuesday with this HORRIBLE cough, but I was feeling fine otherwise. Honestly, it felt somewhat like having an elephant sitting on my chest. lol However, yesterday (while driving back from visiting my grandparents) I started to feel REALLY shitty. Actually, I started feeling shitty before I even left their house, but I didn't say anything because they (and my dad) would have started fretting... so I just kept quiet. Well, because I was SO cold and my entire body was achy, I decided to take my temperature when I got home to see whether or not I was running a fever... and lo and behold, it was 102. So, needless to say, I've been feeling less than great all day, though the fever DID break sometime early this morning. And of course W/we got Master's son yesterday night (which was planned way in advance) because he didn't have school today... and he's been sick too. So, taking care of a sick 5 year old while feeling like shit myself isn't my idea of fun, but thankfully, he's a good kid for the most part... and we just watched movies and played dinosaurs all day while Master was at work. It was a pretty low-key day, though it would have been nice to catch a nap (though I just got word that the 5 year old has fallen asleep on the couch... which means that, if he wakes up, he'll be a bear to get to bed tonight... so pray that he just sleeps)!!!

And the other reason is... Master has been a bit snippy, for lack of a better word, with me lately. Now, I don't really blame Him. He's got so much on His plate... He is so stressed and so frustrated and so worried... that He's just snapping at every little thing. Well, a day or two ago I actually got to talk to Him about it. I told Him that He'd been snapping so much lately about everything and it's got me scared to say and/or do anything because I never know what His reaction is going to be... but I also told Him that I didn't really blame Him but that He needed to not necessarily take His anger/frustration/worry out on me because I'm not the source of those feelings and I don't deserve it. I deal with it because I love Him and I am His... and I'm not going to "tell" Him what to do (though I have no problems voicing my opinions and feelings)... but at the same time, W/we have to stand united and work together. He can't keep pushing me away. Well, in the end He just looked at me and said, "I really don't meant to snap." And apparently He was talking to His mother (who knows somewhat of the lifestyle W/we live) yesterday and she told Him that He shouldn't be snapping at me... I'm not really sure because He told me yesterday while W/we were lying in bed and I was in and out of a feverish sleep. lol

Anyways, I think that the flowers are His way of saying "I'm sorry" and "I love you." And you know what they say... "actions speak louder than words." Don't get me wrong, I love hearing the words because I know that He means it, but words can sometimes be empty. Really, it's the little things that He does that speaks volumes.

I know that nothing in O/our relationship is going to be perfect... that W/we're both going to have good days and bad days... but He is wonderful and I couldn't ask for more.

<3 Master's lil one, Jade

Frustrated + Confused + Angry =

DONE!

Not really... but I sure as hell am REALLY fuckin tired of Him pushing me away like this. Maybe He's really not "trying" to do it, but that's certainly how it feels. I know W/we're both insanely stressed right now, but W/we need to work together... not be torn apart. I keep trying and trying and trying... and it feels like I'm running my fucking head against a brick wall again and again and again.

I love Him and I miss Him like crazy.

It's all I can do to not let the darkness win.

"You never know how strong you really are until being strong is your only choice."

<3>

"Last Resort" -Papa Roach

Cut my life into pieces
This is my last resort
Suffocation, no breathing
Don't give a fuck
If I cut my arm bleeding

This is my last resort

Cut my life into pieces
I've reached my last resort
Suffocation, no breathing
Don't give a fuck
If I cut my arm bleeding
Do you even care
If I died bleeding?

Would it be wrong
Would it be right
If I took my life tonight
Chances are that I might
Mutilation out of sight
And I'm contemplating suicide

Cause I'm losing my sight,
Losing my mind,
Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine
Losing my sight,
Losing my mind,
Wish somebody would tell I'm fine

I never realized I was spread too thin
Till it was too late
And I was empty within
Hungry feeding on chaos and living in sin
Downward spiral, where do I begin
It all started when I lost my mother
No love for myself
And no love for another
Searching to find a love upon a higer level
Finding nothing but questions and devils

Cause I'm losing my sight
Losing my mind,
Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine
Losing my sight,
Losing my mind,
Wish somebody would tell I'm fine

Nothing's alright
Nothing is fine
I'm running and I'm crying
I'm crying(x4)

I can't go on living this way

Cut my life into pieces
This is my last resort
Suffocation, no breathing
Don't give a fuck
If I cut my arm bleeding

Would it be wrong
Would it be right?
If I took my life tonight
Chancers are that I might.
Mutilation out of sight.
And I'm contemplating suicide.

Cause I'm losing my sight
Losing my mind,
Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine
Losing my sight
Losing my mind
Wish somebode would tell me I'm fine

Nothing's alright
Nothing is fine
I'm running and I'm crying
I can't go on living this way

Can't go on
Living this way
Nothing's al...right

It's just a Rollercoaster Ride

Life is... interesting.

Sometimes I wonder if it will ever slow down and be "normal." But then I say to myself, "really, what is normal?"

In all honesty, "normal," to me anyways, is whatever we make of each day.

Right now, for myself and Master, normal is: unbelievable stress and anger (not at each other, thank god), a pain-in-the-ass ex who won't go away, and unwaivering love.

I think it's the last of that list that keeps me going every single day. It's what gets me up in the morning, gets me through the day, and lets me (kind of) sleep at night. Really, it's the only constant thing in my life... the fact that I love Master and He loves me. Without O/our love... without each O/other... I think W/we would both probably go completely crazy right now.

To make a long story short...

I absolutely HATE Master's (most recent) ex. She's is a superficial BITCH who will never learn and who will never take responsibility for anything. Right now, she is trying to drag Master and I through hell with MORE of her lies and bullshit. I really can't believe somebody could be so psychotic, but apparently she is. It's ridiculous really. She's just being cruel, vindictive and manipulative... and she's throwing a temper tantrum because she "lost."

I know what she wants. She wants to pull U/us apart... to break U/us up... and to hurt U/us. Well, it's not working. W/we're still together and plan to stay that way... forever. W/we're not going to let her win. Together, Master and I are stronger, better, and smarter than she is (not that W/we aren't if W/we were apart, but that's a whole different story). It's a whole lot of "whatever, bitch" right now.

Things are tough right now... but W/we are tougher.

But for those who are willing, W/we could use a whole lot of good vibes, prayers, etc... it'd be much appreciated.

<3 Master's lil one, Jade

Tough times ahead

Tough times ahead... for Master and for me...

She is getting just what she wanted... putting Master and me through the ringer like this. She is just playing the part of the "jilted" lover... and being manipulative and vengeful... playing any and every card she can think of... including lying.

Whatever she has done... it's going to put Master and me through hell.

*sigh*

<3 Master's lil one, Jade

"How Do I Live" -Trisha Yearwood

How do I
Get through one night without you
If I had to live without you
What kind of life would that be?
Oh I need you in my arms
Need you to hold
You're my world my heart my soul
If you ever leave
Baby you'd take away everything good in my life.

And tell me now
How do I live without you
I want to know
How do I breathe without you
If you ever go
How do I ever, ever survive
How do I
How do I
O how do I live?

Without you
There'd be no sun in my sky
There would be no love in my life
There would be no world left for me
And I
Baby I don't know what I would do
I would be lost if I lost you
If you ever leave
Baby you would take away everything real in My life

And tell me now
How do I live without you
I want to know
How do I breathe without you
If you ever go
How do I ever ever survive
How do I
How do I
O how do I live?

Please tell me baby..
How do I go on?
If you ever leave
Well baby you would take away everything
Need you with me
Baby don't you know you're everything good in my life

And tell me now
How do I live without you
I want to know
How do I breathe without you
If you ever go
How do I ever, ever survive
How do I
How do I
O how do I live

How do I live without you
How do I live without you baby...
How do I live...