Vanilla or otherwise...
is COMMUNICATION!
Unfortunately, Master and I both fall a wee bit short in the "verbal communication" arena. He and I seem to do much better with the written word than the spoken word. He knows it... I know it... and W/we both freely admit it!
However, after reading my last post, Master and I did have a pretty good conversation. And W/we've actually been doing pretty well communicating since then. It's difficult (at least for me) to have a serious conversation because, well, I'm afraid. I'm scared of saying the wrong thing... and scared that what I want to say won't come out right and things will get even more screwed up than they already are.
But in all honesty, NOT talking is worse than talking and saying the wrong thing... or saying the right thing the wrong way.
Master and I discussed the fact that He DOES understand that not every person is the same. He DOES understand that what worked for one may not necessarily work for another. And I have realized that I am not the only one learning. Master is learning me as I am learning Him. I need to be as patient with Him as He has been with me. I need to stop trying to control the situation. And I REALLY need to stop associating Master with my father. If I continue to do either one of those things, O/our relationship will fail... and that is the last thing on earth that I want. I told Master... I don't want to lose Him and I certainly don't want to end up like the last one. I want to be bigger... better... stronger. For Master.
My biggest problem is that, for a vast majority of my life, everything has been so out of control that I've needed SOMETHING to control in order to feel... sane. Why, then, with such an insane, out-of-control life would I want to divulge into a lifestyle where I give up the control that I had to another? The answer is... I honestly don't know. All I know is that I love Master and would do anything for Him. It's not often that Master has me do things that I dislike, but He has, on a few occasions, pushed my limits to see what I would and would not do. It may be something that He, himself, doesn't really like... but He wants to see my reactions and such. He wants to know that the words I speak are true. As they say, "actions speak louder than words."
I must learn to let go and completely trust Master. While I DO trust Him, there is this tiny part of me... this little shred of independence... that wants to hold on and scream "NO! MINE MINE MINE MINE!" But little by little, that part of me is letting go. Now, that doesn't mean that I'm going to lose myself. Au contrair. It only means that I am letting myself trust Master completely... to be His completely. There is so much I have yet to learn... oh yes. So so so much. But I will learn it. Come hell or high water.
I don't always know when Master is training. In fact, He ultimately is in "training mode" every single day. I just may not see it. I suppose that was part of my "being punished while not really being punished" punishment. Master wanted to see and know my reactions. And as much as I hate to admit it, I acted stupidly... and I ended up embarassing myself. I suppose, that in and of itself, was a lesson that I had to learn. Master knows what He's doing... He really does.
<3 Master's lil one, Jade
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Reflections
Last night, I wrote this looooooooooong journal entry (in my paper journal) about how mad I was... at myself as well as at Master.
Well, during the course of today, I realized some things... some very profound things that have, for better or worse, changed my attitude drastically.
First and foremost, for all of this to make sense, I must explain WHY I was so angry. If I don't, I will probably be the only person who can make heads or tails of all of this.
As I wrote earlier, I forgot to put my collar back on Monday morning after my shower (before going to work). Master, of course, noticed it sitting on the bathroom counter and wasn't too happy. I spent all day Monday and most of the day Tuesday wondering how I was to be punished... not to mention WHEN. Well, Master said something when I got home from work yesterday... something along the lines of "and who said being ignored isn't punishment?"
Well, either I am very very very bad at realizing that I am being ignored (too stubborn or something like that) OR Master was doing a bad job of ignorning me. Perhaps it's a bit of both. But that's neither here nor there. Either way, after dinner last night, I had a whole bunch of things to do... so, instead of sitting on the sofa and ignoring the chores that I had, I got up and did them. Usually when I have chores, Master sits on the sofa and waits for me to come back down so W/we can spend time together, but this time He went back onto the computer and played His game.
All of this lead to me becoming angrier and angrier. There was this bubble in my stomach ready to burst. It took everything inside me NOT to snap and either break the computer or knock Master out (both of which would have been extremely bad ideas). Instead of doing what most people would do (in both the D/s and vanilla world) when their SO is ignoring them, I didn't try to make things better... I just stopped caring. Yes, I went about and did my normal nightly routine, but I didn't give a flying rats ass. I didn't feel sad or upset or chastised or anything that I probably should have felt. I just felt... ANGRY.
I was angry at myself because A) I allowed for the need to be punished to happen in the first place and B) I was angry at all (which only made me feel more angry).
And I was angry at Master because A) He was playing His stupid game (which He swears He's not addicted to but does nothing other than play), B) He never helps me like He said He does when He can tell that I am trying to keep up but can't due to work, etc and C) He doesn't seem as though He cares at all about training me and punishing me and all that jazz.
I warned Master when W/we first started exploring our relationship that ignoring me would not work as a punishment (as it seems as though it is one of His favorite). My father pulled it one too many times when I was growing up, and I learned to not care one way or the other. I learned to get angry instead of sad or upset. If I don't care, then it does not work effectively as a punishment. It's like, I forgot the most important part of my wardrobe... and all He can do is ignore me? I really feel as though that's... lame.
For one thing, it takes like ZERO effort to ignore a person. All you have to do is tune them out. To me, ignoring me makes me feel as though the person igorning me (in this case, Master) doesn't care enough to really punish me for my mistake. It makes me feel as though He doesn't care if I fail or if I succeed. I know that most of my success in this relationship and this lifestyle will depend upon me... my attitude, my views, my actions, my words, etc. However, if He doesn't teach and train me, how will I A) fix my mistakes and B) know what He really wants from me?
And secondly, when I am ignored, it takes me right back to feeling as though I am living with my father again... and I go right back to acting the same way that I acted around him when he ignored me. "If I don't care, you can't hurt me." I guess that's the best way to describe my mindset. It's like "ok, FUCK YOU." And I get so so so angry. In fact, I was so angry last night that I almost (but didn't) cut. Master forbids it... and I really don't want to do it anymore. That's not to say that I didn't seriously think about it and want to do it... but I didn't and I suppose that's what's most important.
All of this lead up to a pretty rotten morning for both myself and Master. During the course of the day, I spent a lot of time thinking about O/our relationship and I realized that my attitude reflects on Master. If I am going to be a bitch to Him... then He is going to be a bastard right back. So, in order for Master to change His attitude, I have to first change mine. Master may own my heart, body, mind, and soul... but He still cannot stop me from feeling. Regardless of what Master has to say, I am going to feel. It's just a matter of letting the positive feelings show and not the negative ones.
But the thing is, Master has to realize that what worked for one submissive/slave will NOT necessarily work for another. Even though He owns me, I am still an individual person... I am unique and different. Ignoring me will NOT work. I know that already... and I told Him. Maybe He was listening... maybe He wasn't. Maybe He just had to find out for Himself whether or not I was speaking the truth. I don't know. But I know myself pretty damn well. Master just needs to understand that I am different... I am unique... I am an individual.
I'm not sure that this made sense... but it made sense to me. And I needed to get it out.
<3 Master's lil one, Jade
Well, during the course of today, I realized some things... some very profound things that have, for better or worse, changed my attitude drastically.
First and foremost, for all of this to make sense, I must explain WHY I was so angry. If I don't, I will probably be the only person who can make heads or tails of all of this.
As I wrote earlier, I forgot to put my collar back on Monday morning after my shower (before going to work). Master, of course, noticed it sitting on the bathroom counter and wasn't too happy. I spent all day Monday and most of the day Tuesday wondering how I was to be punished... not to mention WHEN. Well, Master said something when I got home from work yesterday... something along the lines of "and who said being ignored isn't punishment?"
Well, either I am very very very bad at realizing that I am being ignored (too stubborn or something like that) OR Master was doing a bad job of ignorning me. Perhaps it's a bit of both. But that's neither here nor there. Either way, after dinner last night, I had a whole bunch of things to do... so, instead of sitting on the sofa and ignoring the chores that I had, I got up and did them. Usually when I have chores, Master sits on the sofa and waits for me to come back down so W/we can spend time together, but this time He went back onto the computer and played His game.
All of this lead to me becoming angrier and angrier. There was this bubble in my stomach ready to burst. It took everything inside me NOT to snap and either break the computer or knock Master out (both of which would have been extremely bad ideas). Instead of doing what most people would do (in both the D/s and vanilla world) when their SO is ignoring them, I didn't try to make things better... I just stopped caring. Yes, I went about and did my normal nightly routine, but I didn't give a flying rats ass. I didn't feel sad or upset or chastised or anything that I probably should have felt. I just felt... ANGRY.
I was angry at myself because A) I allowed for the need to be punished to happen in the first place and B) I was angry at all (which only made me feel more angry).
And I was angry at Master because A) He was playing His stupid game (which He swears He's not addicted to but does nothing other than play), B) He never helps me like He said He does when He can tell that I am trying to keep up but can't due to work, etc and C) He doesn't seem as though He cares at all about training me and punishing me and all that jazz.
I warned Master when W/we first started exploring our relationship that ignoring me would not work as a punishment (as it seems as though it is one of His favorite). My father pulled it one too many times when I was growing up, and I learned to not care one way or the other. I learned to get angry instead of sad or upset. If I don't care, then it does not work effectively as a punishment. It's like, I forgot the most important part of my wardrobe... and all He can do is ignore me? I really feel as though that's... lame.
For one thing, it takes like ZERO effort to ignore a person. All you have to do is tune them out. To me, ignoring me makes me feel as though the person igorning me (in this case, Master) doesn't care enough to really punish me for my mistake. It makes me feel as though He doesn't care if I fail or if I succeed. I know that most of my success in this relationship and this lifestyle will depend upon me... my attitude, my views, my actions, my words, etc. However, if He doesn't teach and train me, how will I A) fix my mistakes and B) know what He really wants from me?
And secondly, when I am ignored, it takes me right back to feeling as though I am living with my father again... and I go right back to acting the same way that I acted around him when he ignored me. "If I don't care, you can't hurt me." I guess that's the best way to describe my mindset. It's like "ok, FUCK YOU." And I get so so so angry. In fact, I was so angry last night that I almost (but didn't) cut. Master forbids it... and I really don't want to do it anymore. That's not to say that I didn't seriously think about it and want to do it... but I didn't and I suppose that's what's most important.
All of this lead up to a pretty rotten morning for both myself and Master. During the course of the day, I spent a lot of time thinking about O/our relationship and I realized that my attitude reflects on Master. If I am going to be a bitch to Him... then He is going to be a bastard right back. So, in order for Master to change His attitude, I have to first change mine. Master may own my heart, body, mind, and soul... but He still cannot stop me from feeling. Regardless of what Master has to say, I am going to feel. It's just a matter of letting the positive feelings show and not the negative ones.
But the thing is, Master has to realize that what worked for one submissive/slave will NOT necessarily work for another. Even though He owns me, I am still an individual person... I am unique and different. Ignoring me will NOT work. I know that already... and I told Him. Maybe He was listening... maybe He wasn't. Maybe He just had to find out for Himself whether or not I was speaking the truth. I don't know. But I know myself pretty damn well. Master just needs to understand that I am different... I am unique... I am an individual.
I'm not sure that this made sense... but it made sense to me. And I needed to get it out.
<3 Master's lil one, Jade
Monday, February 16, 2009
Let the punishment fit the crime
So, first and foremost, HAPPY VALENTINES DAY to all!
I know I'm a bit late... but Master and I were quite busy this weekend. *GRINS* And it was a great weekend too. W/we went out and had fun... for the first time in a long time. Yeah, W/we had one tiny little snafoo while W/we were out, but it all worked out in the end. To make a long story short... Master likes to show me off (*ahem*) despite the fact that I am probably one of the most self-conscious people I know. I have such low self-esteem and poor body-image... and while Master understands that, He's trying to get me over it. He thinks I'm beautiful and that's all that should matter... in His eyes. But then again, you can't very well un-do 22 years of damage to my psyche in 2 minutes. It takes time. But in this lifestyle, there's a lot of pushing limits. Master thinks that, eventually, I'll break and let it just happen... but I'm a fighter. Always have and always will be. And, for some reason, I keep fighting the fact that I'm beautiful to Master. Do I want to believe Him (and others who agree) when He tells me that I am beautiful? Yes I do. But do I really? Not particularly.
W/we also had a little snafoo once W/we got home (at 4:30 in the morning, mind you). But that got worked out too... 2 1/2 hours of worked out. It was a weekend full of pushing limits... and being reminded that it's whatever Master wants, NOT me. There were some things that I liked... something I didn't... and somethings I downright hated. But to make Master happy and proud of me, now THAT was the real joy.
Now, to the real reason for this post...
I was a bad girl today. A very very very bad girl.
I forgot to put my collar back on after my shower. Oops.
Now, Master allows me to take my collar off when I shower because neither of U/us want it to get ruined. And many times, He is not either around or awake when I take a shower. So, I am allowed to remove it myself... always have been. Well, this morning, I got in the shower, got ready for work, and left... with my collar still sitting on the edge of the bathroom sink. Usually, when I go back to the bedroom to get dressed, I pick it up and take it with me. Then, after lotioning and getting dressed, I put it back on. Well, for some reason this morning, I forgot it. I was about 3 minutes from the house when I realized that it was missing, and by then, I couldn't turn around, come back to the house, and get it.
Of course, Master noticed that it was sitting there right away. And of course, He's not too thrilled about it being forgotten. And in all honesty, neither am I. I felt terrible all day.
Oh, I know that I deserve to be punished... and I'm dreading it. But at the same time, part of me is... thrilled. In the year that Master and I have been together, I have never really been punished (even when I probably deserved it). There is this knot in the pit of my stomach that is part dread, part excitement. It truly is a strange feeling.
I don't know why I forgot my collar this morning. Perhaps it was the fact that I'm exhausted and it just slipped my mind. Or perhaps there is some deeper, underlying meaning. Do I want to be punished? Not really. Do I like the fact that I hurt and disappointed Master? Definitely not. But when I think about it... truly think about it... I wonder if this is me trying to "push limits" and see what Master will and won't let me get away with in O/our life. Not really the smartest or best thing to do.
As of yet, I haven't really received any idea of how He plans on punishing me. Oh, He's brought up the fact that I forgot it quite a few times since I got home from work... but I just do this stupid little grin thing at Him and say "I'm cute" because I really don't know WHAT else to do. All I know is that He's had all day to think on it... and it'll probably be a good punishment. *sigh* I just hope He doesn't drag this out. The wait is killing me.
But not as much as knowing that I hurt and disappointed Master.
<3 Master's lil one, Jade
I know I'm a bit late... but Master and I were quite busy this weekend. *GRINS* And it was a great weekend too. W/we went out and had fun... for the first time in a long time. Yeah, W/we had one tiny little snafoo while W/we were out, but it all worked out in the end. To make a long story short... Master likes to show me off (*ahem*) despite the fact that I am probably one of the most self-conscious people I know. I have such low self-esteem and poor body-image... and while Master understands that, He's trying to get me over it. He thinks I'm beautiful and that's all that should matter... in His eyes. But then again, you can't very well un-do 22 years of damage to my psyche in 2 minutes. It takes time. But in this lifestyle, there's a lot of pushing limits. Master thinks that, eventually, I'll break and let it just happen... but I'm a fighter. Always have and always will be. And, for some reason, I keep fighting the fact that I'm beautiful to Master. Do I want to believe Him (and others who agree) when He tells me that I am beautiful? Yes I do. But do I really? Not particularly.
W/we also had a little snafoo once W/we got home (at 4:30 in the morning, mind you). But that got worked out too... 2 1/2 hours of worked out. It was a weekend full of pushing limits... and being reminded that it's whatever Master wants, NOT me. There were some things that I liked... something I didn't... and somethings I downright hated. But to make Master happy and proud of me, now THAT was the real joy.
Now, to the real reason for this post...
I was a bad girl today. A very very very bad girl.
I forgot to put my collar back on after my shower. Oops.
Now, Master allows me to take my collar off when I shower because neither of U/us want it to get ruined. And many times, He is not either around or awake when I take a shower. So, I am allowed to remove it myself... always have been. Well, this morning, I got in the shower, got ready for work, and left... with my collar still sitting on the edge of the bathroom sink. Usually, when I go back to the bedroom to get dressed, I pick it up and take it with me. Then, after lotioning and getting dressed, I put it back on. Well, for some reason this morning, I forgot it. I was about 3 minutes from the house when I realized that it was missing, and by then, I couldn't turn around, come back to the house, and get it.
Of course, Master noticed that it was sitting there right away. And of course, He's not too thrilled about it being forgotten. And in all honesty, neither am I. I felt terrible all day.
Oh, I know that I deserve to be punished... and I'm dreading it. But at the same time, part of me is... thrilled. In the year that Master and I have been together, I have never really been punished (even when I probably deserved it). There is this knot in the pit of my stomach that is part dread, part excitement. It truly is a strange feeling.
I don't know why I forgot my collar this morning. Perhaps it was the fact that I'm exhausted and it just slipped my mind. Or perhaps there is some deeper, underlying meaning. Do I want to be punished? Not really. Do I like the fact that I hurt and disappointed Master? Definitely not. But when I think about it... truly think about it... I wonder if this is me trying to "push limits" and see what Master will and won't let me get away with in O/our life. Not really the smartest or best thing to do.
As of yet, I haven't really received any idea of how He plans on punishing me. Oh, He's brought up the fact that I forgot it quite a few times since I got home from work... but I just do this stupid little grin thing at Him and say "I'm cute" because I really don't know WHAT else to do. All I know is that He's had all day to think on it... and it'll probably be a good punishment. *sigh* I just hope He doesn't drag this out. The wait is killing me.
But not as much as knowing that I hurt and disappointed Master.
<3 Master's lil one, Jade
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
The trouble with...
Words.
First, Master has told me that I need to come up with my "safe words." Yes, I think it's a very good idea... a very necessary idea. Especially with me being a beginner in the lifestyle. But in all honesty, it's also kind of embarassing. It's like... yelling a random word in the middle of scening/playing... well, I'm not sure I could do it. Master is right in saying that if He doesn't know it's too much for me, how can He know to slow down/stop? I mean, He wouldn't know. He's not a mind reader. But part of me is unsure if I could actually use them if/when the time came for it. Either way, I HAVE come up with my "safe words." Actually, I've had them for a little while now... I just never knew quite how to tell Master.
I know that some people don't use "safe words" and that's fine for them. But Master and I agree that, at least for the time being, W/we need to use them to keep both of U/us safe. I have had quite a few traumatic incidents in my life, and He knows that He has to be careful not to overstep some boundaries, so to speak. And I have to be careful too... not to throw my mental balance completely off and end up having a psychotic break. I suppose that's the importance of "safe words"... for Him and for me.
So, just so I have a place where they are written down and I won't forget (though there's like .1% chance that I would)...
Stop= Stars
Slow down = Moon
And that's... that's all there is to it.
And the other "problem" word that I am having... it seems so simple and easy... and it really should be... but for some reason, for me, it's not...
Master.
I have no problems typing it, texting it, or writing it. But when the time comes to say it outloud, I just can't. I've always had a sort of "mental block" when it comes to speaking. I've always felt that I communicate best in written word. Yes, I do tend to talk a lot, but for the most part, it's fluff and crap and nothing really... serious. THAT is where I start having the problems when I speak. Whenever I need/have to say something important that is serious, I don't seem to be able to. Master says He'll get it into me yet... and I really am trying. He is being so patient with me about it, but I know one day His patience will wear thin. I don't want to disappoint or anger Him... and so I will continue to try my best.
I don't know what my problem is with saying it. I do believe that part of it has to do with the fact that, when I was younger, I was BIG into the civil war and the words "Master" and "Mistress" held such a negative connotation that I have this block against using it. Before I can freely use the word, I need to get rid of my mental block against it. I'm just not sure how.
<3 Master's lil one, Jade
First, Master has told me that I need to come up with my "safe words." Yes, I think it's a very good idea... a very necessary idea. Especially with me being a beginner in the lifestyle. But in all honesty, it's also kind of embarassing. It's like... yelling a random word in the middle of scening/playing... well, I'm not sure I could do it. Master is right in saying that if He doesn't know it's too much for me, how can He know to slow down/stop? I mean, He wouldn't know. He's not a mind reader. But part of me is unsure if I could actually use them if/when the time came for it. Either way, I HAVE come up with my "safe words." Actually, I've had them for a little while now... I just never knew quite how to tell Master.
I know that some people don't use "safe words" and that's fine for them. But Master and I agree that, at least for the time being, W/we need to use them to keep both of U/us safe. I have had quite a few traumatic incidents in my life, and He knows that He has to be careful not to overstep some boundaries, so to speak. And I have to be careful too... not to throw my mental balance completely off and end up having a psychotic break. I suppose that's the importance of "safe words"... for Him and for me.
So, just so I have a place where they are written down and I won't forget (though there's like .1% chance that I would)...
Stop= Stars
Slow down = Moon
And that's... that's all there is to it.
And the other "problem" word that I am having... it seems so simple and easy... and it really should be... but for some reason, for me, it's not...
Master.
I have no problems typing it, texting it, or writing it. But when the time comes to say it outloud, I just can't. I've always had a sort of "mental block" when it comes to speaking. I've always felt that I communicate best in written word. Yes, I do tend to talk a lot, but for the most part, it's fluff and crap and nothing really... serious. THAT is where I start having the problems when I speak. Whenever I need/have to say something important that is serious, I don't seem to be able to. Master says He'll get it into me yet... and I really am trying. He is being so patient with me about it, but I know one day His patience will wear thin. I don't want to disappoint or anger Him... and so I will continue to try my best.
I don't know what my problem is with saying it. I do believe that part of it has to do with the fact that, when I was younger, I was BIG into the civil war and the words "Master" and "Mistress" held such a negative connotation that I have this block against using it. Before I can freely use the word, I need to get rid of my mental block against it. I'm just not sure how.
<3 Master's lil one, Jade
Saturday, February 7, 2009
Another day... another entry
Currently, W/we are house/pet-sitting for my dad. So, needless to say, things have been really really really crazy around here. It's ok though... I guess. Honestly, Master and I haven't really gotten a chance to spend much time together. In fact, it seems as though the time W/we spend together... truly spend together... gets farther and farther apart. Yes, when I work dayshift, W/we spend the evenings together, but 9 times out of 10, I've got a whole crapload of stuff to do and W/we really don't get to spend the time together.
Speaking of work... I am going to start a new job at the beginning of March... a job that I actually went to school for! I'm excited, yet very very very worried. I need this... W/we need this. It's going to be more money for U/us and my schedule is not going to be as random as it is now. In fact, it's pretty much going to be set once I get through the training and start the actual job. Now, it's probably not going to be a Monday through Friday, 9-5 type of job due to the nature... but once I figure out what I'm doing, I'll pretty much have a set schedule. However, I'm also keeping the job I have right now... part-time. W/we need the money way to much for me to give it up right away. Maybe once W/we get bills caught up and things settled, but I'll just wait and see. I don't need or want a lot of money... I just wish W/we were economically stable.
The only thing that worries me about this new job/2-job thing is the amount of time I'm going to have with Master. Right now, I feel as though He's getting more and more withdrawn with every passing day. I know a lot of it has to do with the fact that He's really not working due to the economic decline and recession the nation is going through... but part of me wonders if it's just me. I mean, W/we used to talk. It wasn't a lot, but it was enough. Now, I don't feel as though He really opens up anymore and it's frustrating and it hurts. W/we have, however, talked about that... and I do understand... kind of... I think. Being Master... He feels as though He has to pretend that everything is ok even when it isn't. And He's never been much of a talker. I may not completely agree with that, but that's who He is and I'm going to try my best to respect that and respect Him.
Right now, Master and His son are in the other room watching "Spiderman" and I am sitting here on the computer. And why is that when I could be spending the time with Master (that I so desperately yearn for)? Well, it's because, right now, even though Master and His son are right here, I feel so completely alone. Perhaps I am isolating myself... perhaps it is something more. I don't honestly know. I know Master loves me... it's the little actions that tell me that. I just... I'm just... I don't know.
Sometimes, I wish I were a child again. I do enjoy being an adult and having the freedom from my parents. I just... I dislike the responsibility. I've had to be the "responsible" one my entire life and I'm sick of it. I want to run and play and not have to worry about a damn thing. I never really got a childhood, and I think I'm envious of everybody else. I want a childhood before I'm too old... though I think I already am too old. In fact, I know I am. But at the same time, it doesn't stop me from trying. I feel myself reverting back to childhood habits... ones that I am having a tough time breaking (for the second time in my life). I want to talk to Master about this, but I'm not sure how. I think there's a malfunction in the wiring of my brain.
*sigh* It's bathtime for the rugrat... I suppose I have to go be a responsible adult.
<3 Master's lil one, Jade
Speaking of work... I am going to start a new job at the beginning of March... a job that I actually went to school for! I'm excited, yet very very very worried. I need this... W/we need this. It's going to be more money for U/us and my schedule is not going to be as random as it is now. In fact, it's pretty much going to be set once I get through the training and start the actual job. Now, it's probably not going to be a Monday through Friday, 9-5 type of job due to the nature... but once I figure out what I'm doing, I'll pretty much have a set schedule. However, I'm also keeping the job I have right now... part-time. W/we need the money way to much for me to give it up right away. Maybe once W/we get bills caught up and things settled, but I'll just wait and see. I don't need or want a lot of money... I just wish W/we were economically stable.
The only thing that worries me about this new job/2-job thing is the amount of time I'm going to have with Master. Right now, I feel as though He's getting more and more withdrawn with every passing day. I know a lot of it has to do with the fact that He's really not working due to the economic decline and recession the nation is going through... but part of me wonders if it's just me. I mean, W/we used to talk. It wasn't a lot, but it was enough. Now, I don't feel as though He really opens up anymore and it's frustrating and it hurts. W/we have, however, talked about that... and I do understand... kind of... I think. Being Master... He feels as though He has to pretend that everything is ok even when it isn't. And He's never been much of a talker. I may not completely agree with that, but that's who He is and I'm going to try my best to respect that and respect Him.
Right now, Master and His son are in the other room watching "Spiderman" and I am sitting here on the computer. And why is that when I could be spending the time with Master (that I so desperately yearn for)? Well, it's because, right now, even though Master and His son are right here, I feel so completely alone. Perhaps I am isolating myself... perhaps it is something more. I don't honestly know. I know Master loves me... it's the little actions that tell me that. I just... I'm just... I don't know.
Sometimes, I wish I were a child again. I do enjoy being an adult and having the freedom from my parents. I just... I dislike the responsibility. I've had to be the "responsible" one my entire life and I'm sick of it. I want to run and play and not have to worry about a damn thing. I never really got a childhood, and I think I'm envious of everybody else. I want a childhood before I'm too old... though I think I already am too old. In fact, I know I am. But at the same time, it doesn't stop me from trying. I feel myself reverting back to childhood habits... ones that I am having a tough time breaking (for the second time in my life). I want to talk to Master about this, but I'm not sure how. I think there's a malfunction in the wiring of my brain.
*sigh* It's bathtime for the rugrat... I suppose I have to go be a responsible adult.
<3 Master's lil one, Jade
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