Happy Thanksgiving

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!

Yes, I know... I know... I know. I'm a few days late on posting this, but things here have been even more crazy than normal! My sisters came in Tuesday night and we (and by "we" I mean my dad, his fiance, my 2 sisters, the man, his son, and I- yes that makes 7 of us) went to see "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part I." And it was FANTASTIC! I'm definitely much more psyched about this movie than I was about number 6 (I was very disappointed in Half-blood Prince... it was not what I had expected it to be at all). Then, Wednesday, I went to work for 4 hours and then came home and cooked with my sister for 8 hours to prep for Thanksgiving dinner. On Thursday I woke up at the ass-crack of dawn and got myself, the man, his son, and my 2 sister's ready to visit my grandparents... then drove 2 hours to my grandparent's house, had Thanksgiving dinner, cleaned up, visited a little bit and then left and drove 2 hours back home. Once home, we unloaded and my sisters packed and took off took off to head back home... and I did my paperwork and packed for the weekend. When I finally went to bed, I ended up getting between 1 and 2 hours of sleep before waking up Friday morning and working Black Friday (3 a.m. to 3 a.m. woot... NOT). Then I drove home, finished packing, and we took off to visit the man's family in Maryland. I helped his mom with the kids (she had 4 of her grandsons there, including the man's son)... fed them and got them to bed. And finally got to pass out around 2 a.m. (they didn't go to sleep until well after midnight). Then I woke up Saturday morning fairly early and got myself ready to go get some grocery shopping done. The man and I went grocery shopping after his brother picked up his 2 sons... and then came home and I took about an hour nap. During this time, the man's cousin showed up with her daughter... I woke up and cooked dinner for all of us and then cleaned up. We played a few games (which was fun)... and then got the kid into bed around 11:30. I passed out somewhere between 12 and 12:30. Then I woke up this morning, packed our stuff, cleaned the room we sleep in, emptied the dishwasher, reloaded the dishwasher, and then helped load the car. I napped for about an hour on the way home... and then went and did an hour presentation on health insurance at my internship. After I got home from that, I finished tearing apart the turkey from Thanksgiving, warmed up leftover pasta for the kid so he could eat, and did my homework. Then my dad and his fiance showed up and we chatted for about 15 minutes or so... once they left I gave the kid a bath and now he's in bed (I'm hoping that he is already asleep because he was up late the past 2 nights and didn't really get to sleep in too late).

So, I hope everybody had a wonderful Thanksgiving. I'm now going to crawl into bed and pass out because tomorrow I am back to the daily grind.

<3 Jade

A Strange Thought

I am so addicted to Eminem's song "Not Afraid." It's probably one of my top all-time favorite songs. To be completely honest, I've always been a bit of a fan of Eminem... his music got me through a lot when I was in high school. I wasn't a hard-core Eminem fan or anything... I just liked his music. It has a great beat and the lyrics are just really speak to me (even with all the cursing and anger behind them). But this song is so un-Eminem that I just can't over it. Instead of being negative and angry and whatever it's almost uplifting and positive.

I know... those are 2 words most people would never associate Eminem's music with... but for some reason, this song is really inspiring to me. I'm just tired of societal rules and having my life constantly conflict with what the world thinks I should be and do and say and whatever else. I just want to be ME. I'm tired of hiding behind the allure of professionalism and strict policies and regulations that have their constricting arms squeezing the life out of my little by little. I've felt like this almost all my life... like I need to break out and be who I was meant to be. But there's always something that has stopped me. There has always been something that has kept me from being who I really am.

It's frustrating to the n-th degree. I'm so conflicted. I don't want to let my family down, but at the same time, I don't want to let ME down. How do I make everybody happy? Really, I can't... and I know that. But I have to decide what's more important... making everybody else happy or making me happy.

I am stubborn. I am opinionated. I am rebellious. I am bratty. I am loud. I am obnoxious.

I like tattoos. I like piercings.

There's so much about me that I hold back. I've done little things... multiple piercings in my ears and one in my nose and 2 tattoos. But at the same time, every single time I get something else done, I get the looks from my family (well, my dad's side) that say "Hey, you're letting us down." and it makes me feel so guilty sometimes. I want to get more piercings. I want to get more tattoos. But I don't want to hurt anybody.

I'm being pulled in about 20 different directions.

Which way do I go?

I think I shall continue to listen to my song another 50 times and then go to bed. Another long-ish day tomorrow.

<3 Jade

All the Gross Stuff

Sometimes I really hate being female.

It's an icky, yucky feeling every single time the wonderful visitor of the month arrives. UG! And mine is always so heavy that I'm anemic within hours of starting, and I'm just absolutely exhausted. Even typing takes physical strength that I don't have. My mental capacity drops to about -100 and I can't focus on even the simplest of tasks. And to make it worse, I know I'm a hormonal wreck when I'm like this. Blah blah yucky yuck yuck.

Right now, I'd like to just lay down and cuddle. I swear, I'm like a 5 year old little girl stuck in the body of a 25 year old woman the first few days my visitor is here. I just want to have my back rubbed and my hair stroked as I fall asleep. Don't get me wrong... I love those things anyways. But the want and need to have them is so much stronger when I'm losing blood at the rate of like 100 liters per hour.

I have so much homework to do. I have an online assignment that's due Friday (which should take me all of 10-15 minutes to complete) and I have a 12-15 page term paper on Methadone maintenance due on Monday. I'm really looking forward to Thanksgiving... but working in retail on Black Friday is going to kill me if this stupid little visitor isn't gone (or at least almost gone) by then. I have to be at my job at 2:45 a.m. the day after Thanksgiving (because we open at 3) for all the pushy, bitchy little jerks who are seriously sleep deprived because they think that going shopping at 3 a.m. is a good idea. Whoever invented "Black Friday" needs to be beaten with their own idea!!! lol

Ok, I'm going to stop complaining now... because nobody wants to ready about the grossness that is my body right now anyhow!

<3 Jade

My Special Day

Happy Birthday to meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!

I have now lived for exactly 1/4 of a century... 25 years young and loving it!!

Today was a good day... albeit extremely busy. I had work and then my internship... and then class tonight. I had multiple people singing to me (which was quite humorous in and of itself), and I couldn't help but smile. Overall, it's been a pretty great birthday.

As for last night... it wasn't quite the "typical" night I had assumed it was going to be. Hehe. :-P It was absolutely fun and one of the best nights ever. I'm a little bit bruised... a little bit used... and EXTREMELY and totally happy. There's a lot to write about last night... a lot of things to ponder and think about. However, I think I shall leave that for another day and time.

I am very tired (but then again, when am I not tired these days?). So, now I think I am going to crash... my pillow looks so inviting.

Today started out fantastic... so I think that 25 is going to be a pretty awesome year!

<3 Jade

Tomorrow

Tomorrow is a very special day for me.

Tomorrow, I will be one-quarter of a century young.

Yes, tomorrow is my 25th birthday.

However, tomorrow will be, yet again, another long, hectic Monday. I have work from 7:30 until 10:30. Then I go to my internship from 11 until 4. Then I have class from 5 until 9ish. All of this means that I will be leaving my house around 7 a.m. and not returning until about 10 p.m. Wee. :-( Now, knowing my family, my phone will be ringing off the hook with phone calls and text messages wishing me a happy birthday... but it still won't be the same. I won't be home, and I'll be so blasted busy that when I finally get home, I'll give the man a kiss and a quick cuddle and then promptly fall into bed... completely and totally physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted.

We did the pre-birthday celebration thing last night with my dad, his girlfriend, her son, the man, and his son. My dad took us out to The Olive Garden (my all-time favorite restaurant... I LOVE Italian food) and I got to open my presents, and then we came back to the house and had ice cream cake (my all time favorite cake... not the biggest fan of regular old cake) and a little bit of family time. It was nice. It really was. My dad, despite all of his flaws, has always tried to make my birthday special for me and I really appreciate that.

It's just, I'm a little down right now. Knowing how much I have to do tomorrow and that the man and I won't really be able to spend any quality one-on-one time... well, it's kind of disappointing. It's not like we'd really get to do much tomorrow anyways. We're broke and can't afford to do much of anything right now... plus, his back is really bothering him today (go figure). I was hoping that we could celebrate tonight... do something... just the two of us. But I just don't see it happening. Don't get me wrong, I appreciated and loved my family birthday yesterday. But at the same time, I'd like to have a little time with just him because we really get so little of it. Even if we do something at home... or something. :-P But we'll probably do what we always do after we drop his son back off at his mom's... come home, eat leftovers, watch a movie and/or play our computer game.

I sense another completely typical night. /sigh

Oh well. C'est la vie. Life rolls on.

And now, I need to go switch the laundry.

Perhaps I'll do some baking as well. I'm in need of a little pick-me up.

<3 Jade

A Letter

And these are my deepest thoughts as of late... in the best (and really only) way I know how to truly express them.

***

My dearest love;

I can't help but think about us as of late. Who we are alone... who we are together. I love our life together. The ups and the downs have made us both stronger, individually and together. And yet, I can't help but feel as though something is missing. It's almost as if there is a part, a vital part, that is lacking. I know we talked a lot last night about everything... so it may seem a little redundant right now, but please bear with me as I try to explain the whirling, chaotic thoughts of my mind.

I want nothing more than to see you happy. I hate it when you're down in the dumps... depressed and angry because everything seems to be going wrong. I feel so helpless when I see you like that, and I hate not being able to help. I'm a fixer. It's what I do... I fix everybody else and everybody else's problems. So, to be able to do nothing throws my world out of control. The spinning, roaring vortex of feelings rage inside of me are almost incomprehensible. I grasp at straws... trying to do something more than just feeling as though I'm being sucked into a world of despair. When I'm so out of control like that, I take control. I have to right my life again before I land on my head.

Honestly, I don't like being in control. Oh yes. You know me well enough to wonder why I'm always fighting to stay in control if I hate being in control. It's simple. I'm afraid. I'm afraid of what is going to happen if I give up that control. I've had to be in control for so long... but I'm tired now. I'm oh so very tired. I don't want to have to be so strong... I don't want to have to make so many decisions. I'm exhausted every single day of my life because I'm fighting to so hard to stay in control. I don't want to be tired anymore.

I guess what I'm trying to say is...

I'm ready.

I want to be yours again. I want to feel like I belong to you and only to you. I need you to be stronger than me... I need you to take control. I will probably fight you sometimes, but I need you to fight back... fight back and be stronger than me. Punish me when I make poor choices and have poor behaviors. Reward me when I make good choices and have good behaviors. Make me follow your rules and bend to your will. Use me however you wish. Push my limits. Test the waters. I want it. I miss it.

If you will have me... then I will be yours again.

Just promise me one thing...

No matter where we go or what we do...

Never, ever stop loving me.

I love you with everything I am. Heart... soul... mind... body.

I am yours.

The next move is yours.

All my love,
Yesterday,
Today,
Tomorrow,
For eternity,
<3 Jade

Shut Down

I want to write... but I don't know what to write.

Everything is all swirling up in my brain, like a Kansas twister tearing up a long picket fence. I can see bits and pieces of it spinning around and around inside the dark vortex, but it's fairly useless to try and grab at it because all it does is suck me up into the giant, swirling mass of dark matter. And then there I am, spinning around and around, faster and faster and faster, until I am so sick that I plummet back to Earth at the speed of light.

Well, at least we know that I can still use metaphors and similes. lol

But seriously...

Right now I am so frustrated with school. Generally speaking, I am a fairly intelligent woman. If you look at my grades, you would think that I either work my butt off or am a natural-born student. In my case, it's a little bit of both. Some subjects come a little bit easier than others, but I suppose that's really how it is for everybody (with the exception of those select-few geniuses that drive the rest of the world crazy).

However, I have one professor that is just driving me up a wall. I'm not doing too well in her class, and I hate the fact that I'm struggling this much. It's not for lack of trying to wanting to do well... it's a complete lack of understanding the subject matter. AND the fact that she is NOT teaching us anything at all related to the assignments we're given. I've spoken with a number of my classmates and they all feel the same way. It's like we're given an assignment and then shoved out the door... no explanations or anything. I just can't help but feel like I'm being pulled in multiple directions emotionally. On one hand, I can't help but think "why bother... I'm too stupid to do this." But on the other hand, I keep thinking "um, excuse me... you're the professor... please TEACH ME!" I'm sorry, but I'm not paying thousands of dollars a semester for this shit.

Last night I was pretty upset... and by "pretty upset" I mean I was about ready to smash my head through a brick wall. And right now, I can feel myself just shutting down. I want to cry... I want to scream... I want to sleep... I want to... cut. And that's the worst part. I really want to hurt myself. I won't... but I want to. It's not right for a class to be doing this to me... it's not right for me to be feeling this way because of ONE teacher.

I'm so angry. I'm so frustrated. I'm so depressed.

I haven't felt this way in a long long long loooooooooooooooong time.

I need to do something. I need to get away. I need to get out of here before I lose myself... before I lose my senses.

Before I just shut down.

Maybe I need something that I just can't put my finger on to get me through all of this... maybe. I don't know.

Gah.

<3 Jade