8:30 AM

It's 8:30 a.m. on Sunday morning and the house is quiet. I have a feeling that Master's son will be up soon, thus breaking the serene stillness, but that's what happens when you have a kid in the house.

I've been thinking a lot lately. I've always wanted kids... but having Master's son is hard. Maybe it's because I'm a "part-time parent" seeing as W/we only have him Tuesday nights and every other weekend. Sometimes when he's here, I feel like "OMG! I just need a moment of peace! PLEASE!" But then I think, if I have kids, I'm really not going to have any "me" time. Am I ready to make that sacrifice?

I love kids... that's why I choose to work with them in my career. But those kids, they return home to their parents each day, and those are the people who, ultimately, shape and mold that child... for better or worse. I think one of my biggest fears about becoming a parent, if I ever have children, is screwing the little tyke (or tykes) up irreperrably. I don't want to be like my parents, but sometimes I see myself acting more and more like either my mother or father, or both, and that scares me. Am I doomed to repeat past mistakes of my parents?

Right now, I like the calm that has settled over the house, where everything is still and quiet and undisturbed. This is the time that I need by myself. Perhaps that why my mother wakes up at 6 every morning... almost regardless of what time she went to bed. Unfortunately, I'm not my mother and I am NOT a morning person. I know that, if I ever have children, I will have to wake up when they do... that if they are up in the middle of the night sick or with nightmares, that I will be up with them. Am I ready for that?

There are so many questions flitting around in my head right now. I don't quite know why I've been thinking about having kids so much lately... maybe it's because I will be 25 this year and Master will be 41 (yes, there is a nice age gap between U/us). Sometimes I think, "W/we're running out of time." I don't want Master to be having kids when He's 50 years old (which would make me almost 35). Although Master and I are not married, I'm not completely opposed to having a child out of wedlock. I've always wanted to do it the right way... marriage and then kids... but *shrugs* I don't always get what I want, now do I?

I hear the house stirring... it's time to go greet the day...

<3 Master's lil one, Jade

The Gander and the Goose

Master and I are two totally different, yet totally the same, people when it comes to expressing O/our emotions.

Neither one of U/us is particularly good with coping with negative feelings. Anger... sadness... frustration... fear... all those types of emotions put U/us at odds.

Master, well, He is the type of person who bottles everything up inside until He ultimately explodes. Once He explodes, He goes off and pretty much ignores everybody and everything until... whenever. Once it's over and done with, He's fine and doesn't talk about it. Master also tends to express feelings, especially anger, by throwing things and punching walls, etc. W/we have quite a few dents in the walls from where He's punched them... and quite a few things have gotten broken by Him flipping tables and throwing things.

I, in a parallel sense to Master, also bottle things up inside until everything explodes. However, once it explodes, I need to have it all out or else it festers like an open wound infected with gangreen. Unlike Master, it's not just "done and over with" once it happens. However, my "explosion" is much more silent... yet much more deadly than Master's.

Once upon a time... I was a cutter. I have hundreds of scars all over my body from where I pierced my flesh with razorblades, knives, push pins, needles... you name it, I used it. Some are visible to others... some are visible only to those who know where they are at and look carefully enough for them.

Since Master and I have been together, I have not cut. For 2 years, I have not sliced my own skin open by my own will. However, I honestly cannot say that I haven't "hurt" myself in those 2 years. I have pulled my hair, scratched and bitten myself, and slammed my head into walls. It is not something that I am proud of... it is not something that I broadcast readily to others. But right now, it is something that needs to be put out there because of what is going on in my life.

When I hurt myself, the pain that I feel is cathartic, to say the least. That pain allows me to put into "words" that I otherwise cannot find. It's difficult to explain to somebody who doesn't quite understand someone who is a cutter. But I suppose that the best way to put it is, pain= feelings = life. Without that pain, I feel numb... and I know that I have awful mood swings because of it.

I thought that being with Master, things would change... that I wouldn't have to fight the urge to cut on an almost regular basis. But I was wrong. With Master and I not ever divulging into the lifestyle W/we both want and need, I have no catharsis... I have no outlet... I have no feelings. I cry regularly, and I feel as though my moods are constantly pushing Master away from me... from U/us.

Master and I are so different in how W/we handle O/our emotions... yet W/we are so similar.

However, what is good for the gander does not seem to be good for the goose.

I need more... maybe I need more than Master can provide me. It doesn't have to be every day... but I need it. Without it, I am empty. I am running on fumes, and I don't have something to sustain me. And it's not even Master's fault really. Part of it is my job. I need to not have bruises and marks... and I need to be able to move without (a lot) of pain the next day. It's the life of someone working in a social services job.

I don't want to cut because I know that it would hurt and anger Master... but the itch is becoming almost uncontrolable. I need something... anything...

<3 Master's lil one, Jade

All the Words

I think everything is starting to hit me like a ton of bricks...

All the changes going on in my life... and in Master's.

It's all so... so...

I don't even have the words to describe it.

My head is spinning, and I'm so lethargic.

I wish I could put into words the way that I feel.

I just can't... not right now.

Maybe sometime...

For now, I'm off to mull over my thoughts and try to make sense of them.

<3 Master's lil one, Jade

Wrong Again?

That pretty much says it all.

I don't know what it is that I'm doing wrong...

Maybe I'm too sensitive?

Maybe I'm too demanding?

Maybe I'm too pessimistic?

Maybe I'm too hostile?

Maybe I'm too needy?

Maybe I'm too loving?

Maybe I'm too honest?

Maybe I'm too caring?

Maybe I'm too... wrong?

Maybe... maybe... maybe.

But never a "for sure."

Everything was running so smoothly... until the cables snapped and the elevator plummeted to the ground floor with a silent CRASH.

Maybe... I just suck at life...

<3 Master's lil one, Jade

Refresh

So, the roomies have officially moved out of here. Although they do still have a few things they need to get from here, as of this weekend they were living in their new place. Even though we had our problems, I do wish them the best and hope that we can all still be friend.

I honestly thought that, when it went back to being just Master and me, things would go pretty much as they did before... with me having all the responsibility. I figured that I would go back to doing all the cooking and the cleaning and everything... on top of working 40+ hours a week. Well, Master proved me wrong this weekend.

For starters, I asked Him if He wanted to go grocery shopping with me... and He did. Then, last night, He got the garbage and the recycling ready to be taken out AND He moved the cars (W/we have on-street parking and the borough where W/we live cleans the street Monday morning so W/we have to put the cars elsewhere) AND He walked the dog. He is being so wonderful... it's almost as though I can barely recognize Him... in a good way!

Soon, Master and I will have to pack up O/our things because W/we will be moving. The move date is unofficially set for the first weekend in April... though Master and I have a lot to do before that. Because Master and I will be moving in with my dad (which is going to be very interesting), Master I going to take care of a lot of the fixing-up around my dad's house. My dad's house is really nice, but there are quite a few little problems that Master said He should be able to fix.

I've been thinking a lot about "refreshing" O/our relationship. I'm not quite sure how or what it would entail, but I certainly think it would be a good idea. Master and I are so scattered right now that it's making O/our lifestyle difficult. I'm sure, though, that in the end it will all work out for U/us because W/we WANT it to work.

I love Him and He loves me... and although W/we have a lot on O/our plate right now, we can make it through as long as W/we have each other.

<3 Master's lil one, Jade