You say...

You say that You love me...

But sometimes, I really don't see it.

I love Master with all my heart, body, mind and soul, but sometimes I get really frustrated and angry with the things He does. Maybe I shouldn't... maybe I should. I honestly don't know. I can't help but feel as though He is being selfish and lazy sometimes. I hate to associate those words with Master because He really is neither a selfish nor lazy Man, but I also cannot really change how I feel sometimes. Oh, I can mask them and cover them up... I can ignore them and pretend that they are no there... but deep down inside me, they are eating away at my heart. I'm not sure which hurts more though: The fact that I feel this way or the fact that I'm not sure Master knows because I am not able to vocalize my feelings (to Him or anybody else for that matter).

It's not easy to explain WHY I feel this way, but I will do my best and try. To start with, I work 6 days a week (Monday through Saturday)... with a grand total of somewhere around 55-60 hours a week. This includes: face-to-face time with clients, drive time, time it takes to do paperwork, meetings/supervisions, and my second job. My only day off is Sunday... and that is the day that I am supposed to be able to relax and spend time with Master (and Master's son when W/we have him for the weekend). Instead, I am trying to do the dishes and laundry and clean the house. Unfortunately, I am usually so tired come Sunday that I am barely functioning.

Right now, my home is an absolutely disaster area. I haven't vacuumed in a month (and W/we have a cold-weather dog who is shedding like crazy right now because of the temperature change) and I have laundry in the drying and in a basket that I have yet to fold/hang. I just did the dishes that have been sitting since Sunday night and re-packaged all the meat that was bought on Monday afternoon (W/we buy in bulk, so I repackage it before I freeze it). Master once told me that, if He saw that I was trying to keep the house clean and I was struggling, He would help me... but all He does is sit on His computer and play WoW.

Right now I am working and He is not (He does collect partial unemployment because He is still techincally employed)... and I am the one that is doing all the housework. Yes, I know that I am His and that I am supposed to do whatever makes Him happy and whatever He tells me to do, but at the same time, shouldn't I also be looking out for my personal health and well-being? What good is a submissive/slave who is so tired/sick all the time that she (or he in some cases) cannot function properly? Not so good, one would think.

Master tells me all the time that He loves me, and I know that He does... but sometimes I don't SEE that He loves me. To me, SEEING that He loves me is just as important as HEARING that He loves me. No, I'm not talking about flowers or gifts or anything of that nature. I am talking about, for instance, helping me around the house without me having to ask. Sometimes I wonder, does Master just not see that I am struggling or does He not care? I'm pretty sure He cares and I'm pretty sure He sees... so what is it then?

Tonight I melted down completely. I was trying to take the trash out and Master started His normal playing around with me. Well, it got me mad enough that I grabbed His arm and stopped Him. I know I shouldn't have, but at the same time, I have precious little time to do household work as it is and for Him to be right there slowing me down... well, it's very frustrating. Anyways, that started a little tiff, and to make a long story short, I ended up in the closet (one of my "hiding" spots) bawling my eyes out.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm at the end of my rope and I feel myself slipping. I really need to talk to Master, but He's not one for talking. Every time I try, He's sitting in front of the TV or the computer... so I've just about given up. My heart hurts... my head hurts... my very soul hurts. I don't want to and I can't give up on Master and me, but sometimes I feel as though I'm butting heads with a brick wall.

Even as I type this, tears are streaming down my face.



<3 Master's lil one, Jade

A Touchy Subject

Today while I was at school with my 6th grade kiddo, one of his classmates was trying to come up with the word "strike." They were in music class answering a question about percussion instruments and how they make sound. The answer was "by striking." Well, he couldn't come up with the answer, but he was hitting himself in the arm with a flat palm (like "spaking" his arm) and his teacher made a joke about him being a masochist. Of course, the whole class started giggling and making jokes.

Now, as they are only in 6th grade (at a Christian school), I'm not quite sure they understand the word "masochist" in its entirety. However, I couldn't help but feel slightly annoyed and angry that she (the teacher) took masochism so lightly as to joke about it. I know that it wasn't meant in any harmful way, but it's like making a gay joke in front of a guy who's gay but nobody knows it. It's just wrong. Maybe I'm being a little touchy about it, but I can't help it.

I am a masochist. I like pain... no, not like... love. I don't remember a time where I didn't feel this way. To me, pain is pleasurable. It's such an intense feeling... such a rush. I love the feeling I get when I'm in pain... the lightheadedness and floating sensation. Pain also gives me a release (emotionally). I usually start to cry and scream which probably scares people, but to me, it's cathartic. I haven't found my threshold for pain yet, but I know that I will eventually.

To me, being a masochist isn't just a word, it's a part of my life and a part of who I am, and for somebody (especially an educator) to joke about it and take it lightly really frustrates me. Masochism and BDSM aren't just a couple of kinks for me... they're my choosen way of life (emphasis on choosen). Yes, I know that I am still new to this lifestyle and yes I still have a lot to learn, but I also know that this is what I want AND need.

I just wish people would understand.

<3 Master's lil one, Jade

Broken Dams and Stronger Bonds

Last night was very interesting.

Master and I went to the club and had a lot of fun. It was pretty dead in there (I'm going to assume that it's because it's Mother's Day today and a lot of people were visiting with their mothers/grandmothers), but I still loved going. I think a lot of it was just getting out of the house and away from here for a little while. Although it costs an arm and a leg (money which W/we really do not have to spend), it's well worth the outing. Plus, W/we got to spend some time with a good friend AWAY from the computers and WoW. lol

But that's not even the most interesting part. Oh no. Not by far.

Once Master and I got home... things started happening. Let me start by saying, I have been VERY sassy and belligerent and bratty the past few days, and even though I'd never admit it outloud, I KNOW that I have. I just couldn't contain the little girl in me anymore. Whenever I get emotional and keep it all bottled up inside, the bratty side of me comes out, and I had a lot of emotions raging through my body. I know that I need to have more self control, but... Anyways, I suppose I took things a bit too far at the club last night. I was teasing Master and just generally being "bad."

So, when Master and I got home, He decided I needed to be taught a lesson. Well, about half-way into things, something inside me snapped. It was like a dam broke inside my head and all the emotions I'd been bottling up for the past week came flooding out. I was crying... no, I was bawling. I mean, full out bawling, screaming, hyperventilating. I think the completely raw emotion kind of scared Master because He stopped and held me for awhile (which was probably a good thing because I was so hysterical there was no way in hell I could have even begun to utter my safe words).

I needed last night. I needed to be scared out of my mind. I needed to be put... no, not put, THROWN, back into my place. I needed to be forced. I needed to struggle. I needed to cry. I needed to be broken down. I needed to be held. And as sore and tired as I am this morning, I needed it... and I am thankful for it.

In retrospect, I think that last night made me closer to Master. Even though I kept flinching from His touch for a little while, it ultimately made the bond between U/us stronger. It reminded me of just how much He loves me... or else He wouldn't have put me through Hell last night. Right now, just recapping it in my mind makes me want to cry. But for now, I am going to spend a little time with Master because He's not on WoW (He was for awhile, but He's a bit hung over this morning).

<3 Master's lil one, Jade

Exhausted

That basically says it all.

I haven't been going to bed until late, and I have to get up early every single day during the week. Monday through Thursday I work an 11-hour day, and Friday I work a 9(ish)-hour day Though it may be Friday, I still have to be up by 6 tomorrow in order to get to work (my second job) by 8. And then I work from 8-4 on a freaking Saturday morning. Weeeeeeeee. *grumble grumble grumble* I will finally get to sleep in on Sunday, but who knows what time I'll go to bed Saturday night.

I really dislike working at 6-day work week. And with the long hours I pull, it kills almost any free time I have. Yes, I have been coming home and getting on WoW for an hour or so, but I can't work all day and come home and work some more. It's too frustrating to not have any down time... to not have any time to unwind. I should come home and do other thing (dishes, paperwork, etc), but I can't do it. I've tried to force myself to NOT get on WoW, but in all honesty, I'm REALLY grumpy if I do work and don't have any "me" time.

I know that Master and I need the money (which is the core of why I am doing this). With Him not working (though He is collecting unemployment), W/we're constantly short on money. But at the same time, this is just about killing me. I hope the economy picks up soon...

<3 Master's lil one, Jade