Well, another Thanksgiving, come and gone. Well, it's not over for most people, but for me it is because I'll be heading to bed within the next half hour. Yes, it's only 6:30 p.m. and I'll be in bed in the next 30 minutes. And why? Because I have to be up at 1 a.m. in order to be at my second (retail) job by 3:30 a.m. for the Black Friday madness. I wouldn't have to be up quite so early, but I'm picking up a fellow friend and co-worker because she doesn't have a car right now to drive herself. *sigh* I suppose one of my first (social work) job co-workers put it best... "You work tooooooooooooooo much..." lol
Either way, it's been a pretty good Thanksgiving. Pretty typical... lots of food and family and blah blah blah. Master and I went down to my dad's girlfriend's house (with His son) to spend the day with them. Now we're back and all just dweebing out until I go to bed (and Master said "and I'm poking you..." lol).
Wow. My life is booooooooooring.
I hope everybody had a good Thanksgiving!
<3 Master's lil one, Jade
Thursday, November 26, 2009
Sunday, November 15, 2009
The "Almost" Type
Well... another birthday... here and gone.
I can't believe how quickly the time goes... how quickly the days fly by as the world turns.
I can't believe I'm 24 years old... or rather, years young.
It was almost an "epic fail" type of birthday. It started out really roughly last night... but it turned around and ended pretty damn well.
Happy birthday to me.
<3 Master's lil one, Jade
I can't believe how quickly the time goes... how quickly the days fly by as the world turns.
I can't believe I'm 24 years old... or rather, years young.
It was almost an "epic fail" type of birthday. It started out really roughly last night... but it turned around and ended pretty damn well.
Happy birthday to me.
<3 Master's lil one, Jade
Monday, November 9, 2009
Another Day...
I feel the need to write something... and yet, I am not quite sure what it is that I need to write.
My thoughts and feelings are all jumbled up inside me. It seems to happen every year around this time. I absolutely love the Fall. The weather is (generally) perfect, and the outside world is beautiful. Yet, I am left with this feeling of... emptiness. Some have asked me if I have SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) because of my mood swings and melencholy nature during the Fall and Winter seasons, but I am pretty sure that I don't (though I've never been tested for it). I never had problems with this time of the year (that I remember) until I was about 11 years old... until my parents got divorced.
Think about it this way... Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and my birthday all fall during the Fall and Winter seasons. These are my 4 all-time, most ultimate favorite holidays. When my parents got divorced, my family became broken and my heart ripped into pieces. Since then, coupled with the changing seasons and the days becoming shorter, I have had a lot less energy and an overwhelming feeling of sadness.
Sometimes I think that I will never again have a "real" family that I can spend the holiday's with... celebrating and enjoying the "togetherness." Many people have told me that I am lucky because I have 2 holidays... 2 birthdays, 2 Christmases, etc... but those are the people who have not had the heartbreak of having divorced parents. It's hard for me to sit around the tree on Christmas day and see the joy on everybody's face. It's hard for me to enjoy opening birthday presents without both of my parents there with me. It's hard to sit around the table on Thanksgiving day and find anything to really be thankful about without my whole family around me. It's just hard.
And it doesn't help that, most days, I feel as though I walk alone in the world. Yes, I talk to my siblings and my parents... and yes, I have Master. But at the same time, I don't really have any of them. They are all off doing what THEY want to do... they are all off doing whatever it is that THEY want to do. And me... I work and work and work and get nothing from it but more and more work. Master never comes to bed with me anymore. He spends 99% of His time on the computer. When He does come to bed, I am already asleep... and He gets up way after I leave for work in the morning. He'll get off His game here in a minute to watch wrestling... but I have to walk the dog and make His coffee and and and and and and... and then it'll be time for bed. And so, on the weekends, I spend most of my day on the computer playing the game He loves so much... just so that I can spend a little time with Him.
I won't ever leave Him... I love Him too much. And yet, sometimes, I wish things were different. I never dreamed my life would quite turn out like this... crying myself to sleep most nights that I don't crash the minute my head hits the pillow. But then again, what are dreams? They don't pay the bills. I suppose what my mother is always saying is so true: "You cannot change a person; You can only change your perception of a person." I never truly appreciated the wisdom of my parents (mainly my mother) until I grew up, but I guess that's how most children are... they never believe that anything that their parents say.
It's up to me, then, to make the most of my situation and do what I can to be happy. It's so hard though... to want something and have it always be just right out of reach...
<3 Master's lil one, Jade
My thoughts and feelings are all jumbled up inside me. It seems to happen every year around this time. I absolutely love the Fall. The weather is (generally) perfect, and the outside world is beautiful. Yet, I am left with this feeling of... emptiness. Some have asked me if I have SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) because of my mood swings and melencholy nature during the Fall and Winter seasons, but I am pretty sure that I don't (though I've never been tested for it). I never had problems with this time of the year (that I remember) until I was about 11 years old... until my parents got divorced.
Think about it this way... Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and my birthday all fall during the Fall and Winter seasons. These are my 4 all-time, most ultimate favorite holidays. When my parents got divorced, my family became broken and my heart ripped into pieces. Since then, coupled with the changing seasons and the days becoming shorter, I have had a lot less energy and an overwhelming feeling of sadness.
Sometimes I think that I will never again have a "real" family that I can spend the holiday's with... celebrating and enjoying the "togetherness." Many people have told me that I am lucky because I have 2 holidays... 2 birthdays, 2 Christmases, etc... but those are the people who have not had the heartbreak of having divorced parents. It's hard for me to sit around the tree on Christmas day and see the joy on everybody's face. It's hard for me to enjoy opening birthday presents without both of my parents there with me. It's hard to sit around the table on Thanksgiving day and find anything to really be thankful about without my whole family around me. It's just hard.
And it doesn't help that, most days, I feel as though I walk alone in the world. Yes, I talk to my siblings and my parents... and yes, I have Master. But at the same time, I don't really have any of them. They are all off doing what THEY want to do... they are all off doing whatever it is that THEY want to do. And me... I work and work and work and get nothing from it but more and more work. Master never comes to bed with me anymore. He spends 99% of His time on the computer. When He does come to bed, I am already asleep... and He gets up way after I leave for work in the morning. He'll get off His game here in a minute to watch wrestling... but I have to walk the dog and make His coffee and and and and and and... and then it'll be time for bed. And so, on the weekends, I spend most of my day on the computer playing the game He loves so much... just so that I can spend a little time with Him.
I won't ever leave Him... I love Him too much. And yet, sometimes, I wish things were different. I never dreamed my life would quite turn out like this... crying myself to sleep most nights that I don't crash the minute my head hits the pillow. But then again, what are dreams? They don't pay the bills. I suppose what my mother is always saying is so true: "You cannot change a person; You can only change your perception of a person." I never truly appreciated the wisdom of my parents (mainly my mother) until I grew up, but I guess that's how most children are... they never believe that anything that their parents say.
It's up to me, then, to make the most of my situation and do what I can to be happy. It's so hard though... to want something and have it always be just right out of reach...
<3 Master's lil one, Jade
Thursday, November 5, 2009
La de da
So, apparently I suck at writing here anymore... but really, what am I supposed to write when everything has stayed pretty much exactly the same thing since the last time I wrote?
I am still basically still working myself to death... with 2 jobs and about a zillion hours every week. I think my brain has turned to mush. Sometimes I wonder how I actually function every day because I'm so tired. Unfortunatley, I've been having a lot of trouble sleeping. The later I go to bed, the better I sleep (because I completely exhaust myself)... but I also have more trouble getting up in the morning. It's a serious catch 22.
Master is still jobless. Right now, with the economy the way it is, jobs are few and far between. It sucks, but W/we're making it. Plus, not working doesn't kill His arm and knees and back... though sometimes I wonder how bad of a case of cabin fever He is nursing. I know that I'd like to get out sometime (and NOT to work)... so I'd assume that He's feeling the same. But then again, you know what they say when you assume... lol.
Things with the roommates are, for lack of a better word, frustrating. Things haven't improved. In fact, sometimes I think they've gotten worse. But that's just me. Master and I talk about it, which helps because I'm able to vent and I know He and I are mostly on the same page about everything. Unfortunately, it's just talk and I really would like to see some action at some point in time. That, however, is not going to happen until W/we all have a chance to sit down and talk... and that's going to be hard to do due to my work schedule and the male roommate's work schedule (we work opposite shifts). *sigh* C'est la vie.
Wow. My life is officially boring...
<3 Master's lil one, Jade
I am still basically still working myself to death... with 2 jobs and about a zillion hours every week. I think my brain has turned to mush. Sometimes I wonder how I actually function every day because I'm so tired. Unfortunatley, I've been having a lot of trouble sleeping. The later I go to bed, the better I sleep (because I completely exhaust myself)... but I also have more trouble getting up in the morning. It's a serious catch 22.
Master is still jobless. Right now, with the economy the way it is, jobs are few and far between. It sucks, but W/we're making it. Plus, not working doesn't kill His arm and knees and back... though sometimes I wonder how bad of a case of cabin fever He is nursing. I know that I'd like to get out sometime (and NOT to work)... so I'd assume that He's feeling the same. But then again, you know what they say when you assume... lol.
Things with the roommates are, for lack of a better word, frustrating. Things haven't improved. In fact, sometimes I think they've gotten worse. But that's just me. Master and I talk about it, which helps because I'm able to vent and I know He and I are mostly on the same page about everything. Unfortunately, it's just talk and I really would like to see some action at some point in time. That, however, is not going to happen until W/we all have a chance to sit down and talk... and that's going to be hard to do due to my work schedule and the male roommate's work schedule (we work opposite shifts). *sigh* C'est la vie.
Wow. My life is officially boring...
<3 Master's lil one, Jade
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