I'm not sure about anything anymore.
I can't help feeling anger and resentment toward everyone right now... including Master. I think a lot of my frustration and anger and resentment towards everyone comes from the fact that I do not feel as though my needs are being met. I do not feel as though my thoughts and feelings matter to anyone... including Master. He has shown a complete disregard towards everything I say, like He doesn't care and it doesn't matter to Him at all.
Today, Master allowed His 6 year old son (while I was at work) to play games on my laptop. Both Master and His son know that He is NOT to be on my laptop. I've told them many times. I know it sounds strange to say that I'm telling Master what to do, but this laptop was given to me by my father as a present and Master's son is 6 years old and kinda rough on the computer. If it were a desktop or even a laptop that I had purchased myself, it'd be a completely different story... but as it is, I didn't buy it myself, and therefore, Master's son is not allowed on it. There have been times where I have allowed His son to sit on my lap and either "help" me play a game (like solitare) or run around on WoW, but I am sitting right here and can tell him "gentle" or "stop." Those are the only times where He is allowed on my laptop...never by himself.
And that's what I mean... a complete disregard. I understand that Master is the one to "call the shots" around here, but I cannot live a life where my feelings and thoughts are not taken into consideration at all (thus the reason I consider myself more of a submissive than a slave)... I'm not sure I can be in a relationship where I'm not cared for and my needs are not being met. I love Master with everything I am... with everything I have... but I'm so depressed right now. And He is so... so... so... emotionally constipated and unavailable.
I'm so frustrated and angry right now... I'm about to stick my fist through a wall.
And now He's strutting around the house... acting fine around His son but really won't talk to me. He acts as though nothing is wrong and W/we never talk about anything... and although He seems perfectly fine, it's eating me up inside and I don't know where to go or what to do.
<3 Master's lil one, Jade
Saturday, September 19, 2009
Sunday, September 6, 2009
WoW/TV vs. me
Master and I are never have any alone time... never have any "together" time.
During the week, I leave the house around 8:15 in the morning to go to work, and I usually don't get back until 6:45 or later. When I get back, I eat dinner, do some sort of chore/cleaning, and then do my paperwork. By that time, I'm so exhausted that I'm ready for bed... and I usually go to bed a full half hour to hour before He does, if not more. By the time He comes to bed, I am finally drifting off to sleepy-bye land. I usually get woken up as He's climbing into bed and curling up next to me, but I usually fall back to sleep pretty quickly.
On Saturday, I work in the morning at my 2nd job and then come home and do chores/cleaning and hopefully have a little time to dweeb out and let my mind rest. Sunday comes around and I do laundry and other chores/cleaning. And of course, every other weekend, W/we have Master's 6 year old son... so I'm running around and taking care of him. So, in addition to having no time with Master, I have very little down time for myself.
All this time, while I'm working 50+ hours per week and taking care of the house (and Master's son every other weekend), Master is either on His computer playing WoW or plopped in front of the TV. I told Master this weekend that W/we should institute "daddy and me" time for the weekends where W/we have His son because His son told me that sometimes our roommate's son "annoys" him (which is understandable... it's like all of a sudden having an older brother), and Master agrees. It'll basically be an hour+ where Master and His son (and me if I'm not at work) will go out somewhere. I think it'll really help His son adjust to the new dynamics of our living arrangement as well as strengthen the father-son bond. I hope Master sticks to it...
Anyways, I digress. I really need and want some time with Master. I can feel my anxiety level rising... I can feel my frustration level rising... I can feel my anger level rising... and worst of all, I can feel my heart breaking. I've never been "high maintenence," but there are certain things that every person needs... and affection and time together are definitely two necessaries.
There is so much I need to get out... and I just don't know how... I just don't seem to be able to write and/or speak it all. *sigh*
<3 Master's lil one, Jade
During the week, I leave the house around 8:15 in the morning to go to work, and I usually don't get back until 6:45 or later. When I get back, I eat dinner, do some sort of chore/cleaning, and then do my paperwork. By that time, I'm so exhausted that I'm ready for bed... and I usually go to bed a full half hour to hour before He does, if not more. By the time He comes to bed, I am finally drifting off to sleepy-bye land. I usually get woken up as He's climbing into bed and curling up next to me, but I usually fall back to sleep pretty quickly.
On Saturday, I work in the morning at my 2nd job and then come home and do chores/cleaning and hopefully have a little time to dweeb out and let my mind rest. Sunday comes around and I do laundry and other chores/cleaning. And of course, every other weekend, W/we have Master's 6 year old son... so I'm running around and taking care of him. So, in addition to having no time with Master, I have very little down time for myself.
All this time, while I'm working 50+ hours per week and taking care of the house (and Master's son every other weekend), Master is either on His computer playing WoW or plopped in front of the TV. I told Master this weekend that W/we should institute "daddy and me" time for the weekends where W/we have His son because His son told me that sometimes our roommate's son "annoys" him (which is understandable... it's like all of a sudden having an older brother), and Master agrees. It'll basically be an hour+ where Master and His son (and me if I'm not at work) will go out somewhere. I think it'll really help His son adjust to the new dynamics of our living arrangement as well as strengthen the father-son bond. I hope Master sticks to it...
Anyways, I digress. I really need and want some time with Master. I can feel my anxiety level rising... I can feel my frustration level rising... I can feel my anger level rising... and worst of all, I can feel my heart breaking. I've never been "high maintenence," but there are certain things that every person needs... and affection and time together are definitely two necessaries.
There is so much I need to get out... and I just don't know how... I just don't seem to be able to write and/or speak it all. *sigh*
<3 Master's lil one, Jade
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Breathe... Just Breathe...
Life has been insanely hectic for the past month or so... I've hardly had time to sit and think much less sit and write. Hell, I haven't really had any "down time" or time to myself since the beginning of August, and it's really beginning to start to take it's toll on me.
So, Master's and my roommates have officially, finally moved in here. They got the rest of their stuff out of their old place the end of last week... and it's currently sitting around O/our little ass house in boxes and bags. To put it very bluntly, 90% of their crap has not been unpacked. I can't really complain about (I'll just call him M... so as to respect their privacy) M because he and I are working and he works some crazy hours. But (and I'll call her B for the same reason) B doesn't work. I could understand during the summer because she has an 8 year old with Autism... but he's in school now and she doesn't have to worry about him during the day. So, my question is: Why the hell isn't the shit getting unpacked and put away and organized?
To add to my stressload, school started Monday for the kids I work with. So, I am, once again, working over 40 hours a week. I go to school and home with kids who have Autism and then I come home and contend with a child who has Autism. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely adore the kids I work with, but it's really hard when I'm used to being able to come home and have some down time and get away from it all. Sometimes, I just want to sit down and cry... but I can't. Right now, I'm sitting in the rocker and rocking back and forth like crazy because it's so friggin soothing (instead of a regular chair at my desk, I have a glider lol). When I'm rocking, I feel so much calmer and can actually somewhat block out everything going on around me.
Life goes on, I suppose. I'm trying to hang in there like everybody keeps telling me, but I'm finding it harder and harder and harder with each passing day to "hang on" because I've been "hanging on" my entire life. I'm honestly afraid that I'll wake up one morning and not know who I am and where I am... and have a complete psychotic break. I feel myself pulling away from everybody... friends, family, and even Master. I need Master more than ever right now... and all He's doing is spending time on that computer game of His. I honestly don't think He realizes just how much I need Him.
<3 Master's lil one, Jade
So, Master's and my roommates have officially, finally moved in here. They got the rest of their stuff out of their old place the end of last week... and it's currently sitting around O/our little ass house in boxes and bags. To put it very bluntly, 90% of their crap has not been unpacked. I can't really complain about (I'll just call him M... so as to respect their privacy) M because he and I are working and he works some crazy hours. But (and I'll call her B for the same reason) B doesn't work. I could understand during the summer because she has an 8 year old with Autism... but he's in school now and she doesn't have to worry about him during the day. So, my question is: Why the hell isn't the shit getting unpacked and put away and organized?
To add to my stressload, school started Monday for the kids I work with. So, I am, once again, working over 40 hours a week. I go to school and home with kids who have Autism and then I come home and contend with a child who has Autism. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely adore the kids I work with, but it's really hard when I'm used to being able to come home and have some down time and get away from it all. Sometimes, I just want to sit down and cry... but I can't. Right now, I'm sitting in the rocker and rocking back and forth like crazy because it's so friggin soothing (instead of a regular chair at my desk, I have a glider lol). When I'm rocking, I feel so much calmer and can actually somewhat block out everything going on around me.
Life goes on, I suppose. I'm trying to hang in there like everybody keeps telling me, but I'm finding it harder and harder and harder with each passing day to "hang on" because I've been "hanging on" my entire life. I'm honestly afraid that I'll wake up one morning and not know who I am and where I am... and have a complete psychotic break. I feel myself pulling away from everybody... friends, family, and even Master. I need Master more than ever right now... and all He's doing is spending time on that computer game of His. I honestly don't think He realizes just how much I need Him.
<3 Master's lil one, Jade
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