Worthless.
Stupid.
Ugly.
Fat.
Failure.
These are just some of the things that I've been feeling about myself lately. Master will probably be angry with me for writing these things... much less thinking them. However, I need to get it all out. Master has told me that I am not allowed to say such things about myself... that I am not allowed to tear myself down. I suppose that means that I can't write them either, but I can't continue bottling it all up inside... I can't.
I can't explain why I feel this way... I just do. I am so far down in the depths of sorrow, and no matter how hard I try, I can't seem to pull myself out of the hole I've found myself in lately. Oh, I smile and I laugh I pretend that everything is ok when, in reality, I feel so hollow and empty. I haven't felt this bad in quite some time.
A couple of weekends ago Master and I had a really bad fight. Ever since then, I feel as though I am doomed to fail. I am trying so hard, and yet I feel as though I am just no good. I guess the old saying fits... rotting trees produce no good fruit. Maybe I really am bad? The thing is, I don't want to be.
It hurts... it hurts so bad. I don't remember it ever hurting this bad. Maybe I've just blocked out the pain... maybe I've just blocked out the memories. My heart hurts... my head hurts... my body hurts... my soul hurts. I hate feeling like this. I hate feeling so dead inside...
<3 Master's lil one, Jade
Monday, July 27, 2009
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Sources of Frustration
A large source of my frustration comes from the fact that Master and I have been stuck in a rut. W/we are neither moving foreward nor are W/we moving backward. W/we're just standing still... like the stagnant waters of a mosquito breeding ground. I feel as though W/we are more vanilla than Master and submissive/slave... as I think He feels the same. The problem is, the way O/our life is going right now, it's almost as though W/we don't have the time to be what W/we want to be.
It does sound strange... I know that. It's like, "How can you not have time to live a lifestyle?" Well, until things settle down for U/us, Master cannot train me and I cannot learn. Most days, when I get home from work, I am so exhausted that I can barely function enough to make dinner and do the few things that I do, much less put the effort forth to be trained. Yes, there are some things that come naturally to me, but there are also some things that I would have to work at and actually focus on doing. To be Master and submissive/slave is what He and I both want, but W/we're running on empty in so many aspects of O/our lives that W/we have to fix those first before W/we can focus on O/our lifestyle. It sucks, but Master and I have discussed it and that's the way it has to be.
Another HUGE source of my frustration comes from the fact that I know Master would like to have a clean home, but as I've said a zillion times, I work anywhere from 50-60 hours a week and I just don't have time. I know how Master was with his last "submissive" (if you even really want to call it that). The house was a constant disaster area... really grotesquely disgusting. And I don't want Master and I living in that type of filth. I had all these plans to sweep through the house and get it straightened out once it left but that never happened due to my work schedule and the fact that it didn't leave until so close to the Christmas holiday last year. Master would get so angry with it because of the way she kept the house, and I don't want Master getting that angry with me... ever. But then again, as Master keeps pointing out, it didn't work and had ample time to clean (unlike myself).
Actually, Master has mentioned that He wants to me to stop stressing and relax a little bit. Worrying about everything has made me so high-strung that I'm snippy and bitter and bitchy all the time. I don't mean to be, honestly I don't, but I've got so much shit on my plate that it's getting to me. It's wreaking havoc on my carefully constructed sleeping pattern (which I need due to the chronic insomnia I've had pretty much my entire life)... which is, in turn, killing my mood and ability to function throughout the day. And of course that leads to me worrying more... which leads to more stress... so on and so forth.
The third major source of my frustration (which is actually parallel to the last reason) is the fact that I have not had any "down time" since the last time W/we went to Master's mother's house for the weekend... which was back in May. So, for 2 months or so, I have been running myself ragged... working Monday through Saturday and then trying to get all the chores done Saturday night and Sunday that should have been done throughout the week but that I didn't have time to get to.
W/we have Master's 5-year-old son every other weekend... and He keeps me running. Then, on the weekend that W/we don't have Master's son, W/we have friends over. Now, don't get me wrong... I love my friends and it's nice having them over, but at the same time, when they leave on Sunday, I have twice as much of a mess which then means twice as much work. Plus, I have absolutely no alone time with Master... which makes things very stressful for me. One would think that, since W/we live together, W/we would have ample "alone" time, but W/we really don't because He's always on His computer game and/or I'm always so exhausted that I can't carry on an intelligent conversation or stay awake to actually be with Him.
The final source of my frustration comes from the type of lifestyles that Master wants to live. I have known since the very beginning that Master is poly, and I'm ok with that. But lately, Master has been bringing it up more and more... which bothers me a little bit. For one, it makes me worry that Master is getting bored with me and is looking for something new and exciting. I know that isn't the case because Master has explained His reasoning to me... but unfortunately I am the type of person that seeing underlying meanings in things, even if they truly aren't there. Additionally, it makes me feel very inadequate. I feel as though I am not good enough, so Master needs another. I also know that this isn't true, but I do feel as though I need some reassurance every once in awhile.
I think the biggest worry I have about being poly (aside from losing Master) is my personality. I am fiercely protective of people I care about and that's gotten me in a good bit of trouble a few times. If Master and I divulge into a poly relationship with another girl and she and I get along and get close (which would be a GOOD thing), I'm afraid that I would eventually try and protect her from Master and lash out at Him for punishing her for whatever reason... and I wouldn't want to do that. In addition, my personality is highly stubborn and, quite honestly, OCD. Yes, I am submissive, but I am also a bit of a control freak (which doesn't make a whole lot of sense, but it's me). When it comes to things that I am in "control" of (for example, the housework), for lack of a better word, I have a system and an organizational method that I want followed, and I am afraid having someone else in the house would completely wreck that method. I want to be control, but at the same time, I know that I could never be fully TPE or Gorean because there are certain things that I have to have some control over or else I would probably have a psychotic break.
My life seems to be a series of frustrating events that just never end.
*sigh*
<3 Master's lil one, Jade
**It's been 5 years today since I lost you. R.I.P. my sweet R.C.R.... my sweet baby angel.**
It does sound strange... I know that. It's like, "How can you not have time to live a lifestyle?" Well, until things settle down for U/us, Master cannot train me and I cannot learn. Most days, when I get home from work, I am so exhausted that I can barely function enough to make dinner and do the few things that I do, much less put the effort forth to be trained. Yes, there are some things that come naturally to me, but there are also some things that I would have to work at and actually focus on doing. To be Master and submissive/slave is what He and I both want, but W/we're running on empty in so many aspects of O/our lives that W/we have to fix those first before W/we can focus on O/our lifestyle. It sucks, but Master and I have discussed it and that's the way it has to be.
Another HUGE source of my frustration comes from the fact that I know Master would like to have a clean home, but as I've said a zillion times, I work anywhere from 50-60 hours a week and I just don't have time. I know how Master was with his last "submissive" (if you even really want to call it that). The house was a constant disaster area... really grotesquely disgusting. And I don't want Master and I living in that type of filth. I had all these plans to sweep through the house and get it straightened out once it left but that never happened due to my work schedule and the fact that it didn't leave until so close to the Christmas holiday last year. Master would get so angry with it because of the way she kept the house, and I don't want Master getting that angry with me... ever. But then again, as Master keeps pointing out, it didn't work and had ample time to clean (unlike myself).
Actually, Master has mentioned that He wants to me to stop stressing and relax a little bit. Worrying about everything has made me so high-strung that I'm snippy and bitter and bitchy all the time. I don't mean to be, honestly I don't, but I've got so much shit on my plate that it's getting to me. It's wreaking havoc on my carefully constructed sleeping pattern (which I need due to the chronic insomnia I've had pretty much my entire life)... which is, in turn, killing my mood and ability to function throughout the day. And of course that leads to me worrying more... which leads to more stress... so on and so forth.
The third major source of my frustration (which is actually parallel to the last reason) is the fact that I have not had any "down time" since the last time W/we went to Master's mother's house for the weekend... which was back in May. So, for 2 months or so, I have been running myself ragged... working Monday through Saturday and then trying to get all the chores done Saturday night and Sunday that should have been done throughout the week but that I didn't have time to get to.
W/we have Master's 5-year-old son every other weekend... and He keeps me running. Then, on the weekend that W/we don't have Master's son, W/we have friends over. Now, don't get me wrong... I love my friends and it's nice having them over, but at the same time, when they leave on Sunday, I have twice as much of a mess which then means twice as much work. Plus, I have absolutely no alone time with Master... which makes things very stressful for me. One would think that, since W/we live together, W/we would have ample "alone" time, but W/we really don't because He's always on His computer game and/or I'm always so exhausted that I can't carry on an intelligent conversation or stay awake to actually be with Him.
The final source of my frustration comes from the type of lifestyles that Master wants to live. I have known since the very beginning that Master is poly, and I'm ok with that. But lately, Master has been bringing it up more and more... which bothers me a little bit. For one, it makes me worry that Master is getting bored with me and is looking for something new and exciting. I know that isn't the case because Master has explained His reasoning to me... but unfortunately I am the type of person that seeing underlying meanings in things, even if they truly aren't there. Additionally, it makes me feel very inadequate. I feel as though I am not good enough, so Master needs another. I also know that this isn't true, but I do feel as though I need some reassurance every once in awhile.
I think the biggest worry I have about being poly (aside from losing Master) is my personality. I am fiercely protective of people I care about and that's gotten me in a good bit of trouble a few times. If Master and I divulge into a poly relationship with another girl and she and I get along and get close (which would be a GOOD thing), I'm afraid that I would eventually try and protect her from Master and lash out at Him for punishing her for whatever reason... and I wouldn't want to do that. In addition, my personality is highly stubborn and, quite honestly, OCD. Yes, I am submissive, but I am also a bit of a control freak (which doesn't make a whole lot of sense, but it's me). When it comes to things that I am in "control" of (for example, the housework), for lack of a better word, I have a system and an organizational method that I want followed, and I am afraid having someone else in the house would completely wreck that method. I want to be control, but at the same time, I know that I could never be fully TPE or Gorean because there are certain things that I have to have some control over or else I would probably have a psychotic break.
My life seems to be a series of frustrating events that just never end.
*sigh*
<3 Master's lil one, Jade
**It's been 5 years today since I lost you. R.I.P. my sweet R.C.R.... my sweet baby angel.**
Sunday, July 12, 2009
I Don't REALLY Quit
I don't REALLY quit... and I guess I never really was going to in the first place.
Sometimes I just get so frustrated and upset that I just have to vent it all out before I do something I'll regret... like lashing out at the ones I love the most.
Either way. I'm still here... Master is still here... W/we are still here.
I'll write about everything some other time, but for now, it's late and I have to be up early.
<3 Master's lil one, Jade
Sometimes I just get so frustrated and upset that I just have to vent it all out before I do something I'll regret... like lashing out at the ones I love the most.
Either way. I'm still here... Master is still here... W/we are still here.
I'll write about everything some other time, but for now, it's late and I have to be up early.
<3 Master's lil one, Jade
I Quit
I think I just may scream.
And by scream I really mean... run around like a maniac hitting shit and screaming at the top of my lungs.
I'm so god damn fucking tired of all this shit.
Everything is MY responsibility... everything is MY fault.
Sorry. I'm not perfect.
Nor will I ever be perfect.
There is no way on the face of the planet that I can do everything by myself. I am ONE person. And I am NOT some super woman who is capable of doing everything.
I'm so close to breaking. I'm so close to the edge of the cliff... and I'm ready to jump.
I give up.
I QUIT.
Life sucks. And I'm done with it.
And by scream I really mean... run around like a maniac hitting shit and screaming at the top of my lungs.
I'm so god damn fucking tired of all this shit.
Everything is MY responsibility... everything is MY fault.
Sorry. I'm not perfect.
Nor will I ever be perfect.
There is no way on the face of the planet that I can do everything by myself. I am ONE person. And I am NOT some super woman who is capable of doing everything.
I'm so close to breaking. I'm so close to the edge of the cliff... and I'm ready to jump.
I give up.
I QUIT.
Life sucks. And I'm done with it.
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
My First Date
It's a bit of a strange title for an entry... especially seeing as I'm 23 years old.
However, it is an all-too-true title.
This past weekend, Sunday night to be specific, Master took me on my first date. I was actually sitting in the living room doing my paperwork for my job (it's due Monday morning at the latest), and Master said took put away the ground beef I had gotten out for dinner because He wanted to take me out. I, of course, said that He didn't have to take me out. As much as I was absolutely ELATED that Master wanted to go out with me, I was also seriously worried about the financial difficulties that W/we've been having. To make a long story short, He said that W/we were going out... and that was the end of that dicussion (though I did request that W/we wait until I had finished writing up my paperwork... which W/we did).
So, after I was done with my paperwork, I took a quick shower and got dressed... and W/we headed out to Longhorns for dinner. It's a kind of pricy steakhouse, but it's where He wanted to go. I was worried about the expenses... but Master basically told me to shut up. lol There I was on my first date fretting about how expensive O/our meal was going to be when I shouldn't have had a care in the world. Well, W/we ordered O/our food and everything was great... until I found a rather large piece of plastic in my mashed potatoes! W/we called the waiter over and he called his manager. The manager appologized profusely, went and got me a new side of mashed potatoes AND comp'd the entire meal! So in the end, W/we only had to pay for Master's food (which still totaled to $25)!
Afterward, W/we went to drop my paperwork off at the main office and then went to Wal-mart for a new headlight and wiperblade for Master's car. He also wanted to look at the weed-whackers (O/ours died). W/we ended up not buying a weed-whacker, but did find the light and the blade. To end the night, W/we went and watched fireworks... for the second night in a row. Of course, I was worried about the time and Master getting enough sleep since He had to work the next morning... but again, I was told to shut up. lol
I think the BEST part of the night was... I got to spend time with Master. Like... really really really spend time with Him. W/we didn't spend a whole lot of money and W/we didn't really do anything special. I mean, it was special, but W/we didn't dress up and go "all out" and I think that's what I liked about it. It was just Him and me... together.
And just to point out how sweet Master is, while W/we were watching fireworks, I said "Aren't they beautiful?" And He said "Not as beautiful as what I get to see every day." Usually when He says stuff like that, I make some snide retort (I hate my body), but something stopped me that night and I just let myself take the compliment and let myself feel loved and wanted.
It was a beautiful, absolutely wonderful night...
Well, minus the plastic in my mashed potatoes! lol
<3 Master's lil one, Jade
However, it is an all-too-true title.
This past weekend, Sunday night to be specific, Master took me on my first date. I was actually sitting in the living room doing my paperwork for my job (it's due Monday morning at the latest), and Master said took put away the ground beef I had gotten out for dinner because He wanted to take me out. I, of course, said that He didn't have to take me out. As much as I was absolutely ELATED that Master wanted to go out with me, I was also seriously worried about the financial difficulties that W/we've been having. To make a long story short, He said that W/we were going out... and that was the end of that dicussion (though I did request that W/we wait until I had finished writing up my paperwork... which W/we did).
So, after I was done with my paperwork, I took a quick shower and got dressed... and W/we headed out to Longhorns for dinner. It's a kind of pricy steakhouse, but it's where He wanted to go. I was worried about the expenses... but Master basically told me to shut up. lol There I was on my first date fretting about how expensive O/our meal was going to be when I shouldn't have had a care in the world. Well, W/we ordered O/our food and everything was great... until I found a rather large piece of plastic in my mashed potatoes! W/we called the waiter over and he called his manager. The manager appologized profusely, went and got me a new side of mashed potatoes AND comp'd the entire meal! So in the end, W/we only had to pay for Master's food (which still totaled to $25)!
Afterward, W/we went to drop my paperwork off at the main office and then went to Wal-mart for a new headlight and wiperblade for Master's car. He also wanted to look at the weed-whackers (O/ours died). W/we ended up not buying a weed-whacker, but did find the light and the blade. To end the night, W/we went and watched fireworks... for the second night in a row. Of course, I was worried about the time and Master getting enough sleep since He had to work the next morning... but again, I was told to shut up. lol
I think the BEST part of the night was... I got to spend time with Master. Like... really really really spend time with Him. W/we didn't spend a whole lot of money and W/we didn't really do anything special. I mean, it was special, but W/we didn't dress up and go "all out" and I think that's what I liked about it. It was just Him and me... together.
And just to point out how sweet Master is, while W/we were watching fireworks, I said "Aren't they beautiful?" And He said "Not as beautiful as what I get to see every day." Usually when He says stuff like that, I make some snide retort (I hate my body), but something stopped me that night and I just let myself take the compliment and let myself feel loved and wanted.
It was a beautiful, absolutely wonderful night...
Well, minus the plastic in my mashed potatoes! lol
<3 Master's lil one, Jade
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