Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!
My holiday has been, as predicted, anything but relaxing. Christmas Eve Master and I went to my dad's to celebrate with him, my sisters, his girlfriend and her son. It was... typically "my dad" type of holiday. Then, Christmas day, Master and I picked up His son and drove down to visit His mom for Christmas (and her birthday as it is Christmas day). W/we came back home on Sunday, and I've worked for the past 2 days with one of my kiddos. Now, W/we are preparing to drive out to visit my mom for a few days for Christmas/New Years.
As I said... anything BUT relaxing. lol
Thus far, Master's son has really enjoyed his gifts. In fact, the gifts that I thought the kiddo would be least thrilled about, he's really loved. lol Go figure. He's been bugging me to open the remote controlled cars that he got, but the house is really full of people right now and I'm trying to hold off on opening them. Not only do W/we have the normal 6 of U/us here (Master, me, Master's son, and O/our 3 roommates), W/we have one of O/our roommate's daughter and the other roommate's 2 nieces. Soooooooooo... that makes 9 people in a little tiny row house. Needless to say, it's crowded.
I think I'm going to need a vacation from my vacation...
Wishes of safety, love, and happiness,
<3 Master's lil one, Jade
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Sunday, December 20, 2009
I'll Never Be
I'll never be the perfect girl.
I will always have my flaws. There is not one person in the entire world, that I know of, who does not have at least one skeleton in the closet. I know I have mine... and I know that I have many. I am paranoid... I am insecure... I am human. All of this I know, and I know it well. I have delved deep down into the inner sanctum of my heart, and I don't like some of the things I have found there. There is a darkness inside of me... a darkness that I have tried so desperately to get rid of and failed.
I am the only person who can change me. Others can try... but they will ultimately fail. I have to be willing and wanting to change. Just as I cannot change another person... nobody can change me. There are many things about myself that I would like to change, but I do not know how. People have given me advice, and yet I know that, if I am to change, I will have to find my own way. What works for one person may not necessarily work for me.
All of this comes from an event that transpired today... an event I knew, deep down in my gut, was bound to happen. Master was honest with me about it... and I truly appreciate that honesty. I think that makes the burden of my hatred even harder to bear. And it is not Master that I hate. Oh no... it is not Him at all. It is only me... in the blackness of self-loathing that surrounds me as I sit and write.
I love Master with all my heart and soul and body. I want Him to be happy... to be able to be Himself. This is why I keep these things locked inside me... though I know that He will (eventually) read this. He hates the way I down myself... the way I see myself. But He cannot change that. Only I can, and though I do try, it is difficult to change what has become such a large part of me.
I will not dictate to Master what He can and cannot do. That is not for me to decide. Even in a vanilla relationship, I would not tell Him what to do. His life is His to live the way He chooses. Though it may affect me, whether it be in a positive or negative manner, it is the way I choose to respond to His actions that defines the type of person I am.
I truly believe that the hatred I feel towards myself right now spawns from one belief, and one belief only...
I'll never be the type of girl Master needs and wants... and completely deserves.
And that hurts me more than anything else in the world.
<3 Master's lil one, Jade
I will always have my flaws. There is not one person in the entire world, that I know of, who does not have at least one skeleton in the closet. I know I have mine... and I know that I have many. I am paranoid... I am insecure... I am human. All of this I know, and I know it well. I have delved deep down into the inner sanctum of my heart, and I don't like some of the things I have found there. There is a darkness inside of me... a darkness that I have tried so desperately to get rid of and failed.
I am the only person who can change me. Others can try... but they will ultimately fail. I have to be willing and wanting to change. Just as I cannot change another person... nobody can change me. There are many things about myself that I would like to change, but I do not know how. People have given me advice, and yet I know that, if I am to change, I will have to find my own way. What works for one person may not necessarily work for me.
All of this comes from an event that transpired today... an event I knew, deep down in my gut, was bound to happen. Master was honest with me about it... and I truly appreciate that honesty. I think that makes the burden of my hatred even harder to bear. And it is not Master that I hate. Oh no... it is not Him at all. It is only me... in the blackness of self-loathing that surrounds me as I sit and write.
I love Master with all my heart and soul and body. I want Him to be happy... to be able to be Himself. This is why I keep these things locked inside me... though I know that He will (eventually) read this. He hates the way I down myself... the way I see myself. But He cannot change that. Only I can, and though I do try, it is difficult to change what has become such a large part of me.
I will not dictate to Master what He can and cannot do. That is not for me to decide. Even in a vanilla relationship, I would not tell Him what to do. His life is His to live the way He chooses. Though it may affect me, whether it be in a positive or negative manner, it is the way I choose to respond to His actions that defines the type of person I am.
I truly believe that the hatred I feel towards myself right now spawns from one belief, and one belief only...
I'll never be the type of girl Master needs and wants... and completely deserves.
And that hurts me more than anything else in the world.
<3 Master's lil one, Jade
Monday, December 7, 2009
Close my Eyes... and Jump...
My life has always been slightly out of control... and by slightly I mean totally, completely, and insanely. I've never really had any say in any aspect of my life, and for the few things that I have had some choice in, I've had to fight for and I've had to deal with the, some severe, repercussions. It's been a hard road, but I think I have, for the most part at least, turned out semi-ok. I do have my flaws and faults but no more than most people. However, some of my flaws and faults can be absolutely devastating for me as they keep me from fully experiencing life... because I know that some of them are are completely debilitating.
For instance, I am neurotic and paranoid. I don't quite have the feeling of "everybody is out to get me" all the time, but I do tend to think the worst... about almost everything. It's not necessarily "this person hates me" or "that person is talking behind my back." It's not that type of paranoia. It's more of the "what will happen if I do this" and "why did I have to do that" type. It's like constantly playing a "What If..." game with myself and it's hard to live each day with those types of thoughts in the back of my mind.
I'm also extremely indecisive. I find it hard to make even the simplest choices. When I get dressed in the morning, I actually have to set myself a time limit or I will (literally) spend hours in front the closet trying to figure out what I want to wear. For lunch, I practically eat the same thing every single day because, if I have too many options, I would never leave the kitchen. As I've gotten older, it's gotten better because I know I HAVE TO make a decision, but sometimes, making a decision can bring me to the point of tears because I don't want to make the wrong one.
Finally, and probably most importantly, I don't ever let go of anything. I may forgive, but I absolutely never, ever forget. I didn't have an easy childhood... and my life still isn't the easiest. It could have been worse, but then again, it could have been better. I keep replaying everything that has happened to me in my mind... it's like a video that I don't know how to turn off. I suppose Master put it best when He said "You can't let go..."
I guess all these things tie in together... they tie in together into one simple point: I'm scared. It's like, my physical body gets older with every birthday I have, but my mental body is staying stagnant... I am stuck in the constant mentality of a child. Maybe, in a way, I am trying to recapture the childhood that I lost and never got to have due to the situation I was put in during my youth. I know that, although I CAN act older, I have the propensity to act like a child... very silly and nonsensical. I'm afraid to face who and what I am, and so, I continually act like a child so that I don't have to face the everyday realities of myself.
Master keeps telling that I need to just close my eyes and jump... that He'll be there to catch me as I'm falling. It's not that I don't trust Him (which is what I think He honestly believes)... I don't trust me. I feel like a failure and total screw up (something that I know Master won't like to hear, but it's true... He can stop me from saying the words, but He can't stop me from feeling them... I am the only one who can do that). Master wants me to stop worrying about hurting Him and just let whatever is going to happen, happen. I know I should stop worrying so much, but I can't help it. I've always been the "motherly" type of person... caring for everybody else and putting everybody else's needs before mine. It's a hard habit to break.
I honestly need to let go. I need to close my eyes and jump. I need to trust Master to be there to catch me. And almost more importantly, I need to trust myself. I had an epiphany over the weekend... that I can never be the type of girl that Master needs and wants until I let go. Yes, it is (basically) something that He has been telling me for... basically forever... but it's something that I had to come to the realization of by myself... someway, somehow.
I need the freedom and control that Master's hand offers me. I already know that, if I am able to let go, I will fight it... that I will fight Him. I will always be the type of girl that needs and wants cuddles and loves, but I also know that I need and want a strong hand. I am just as comfortable cuddling with Master as I am with His hand around my throat, if not more so. Yes, I do have my limits, and yes, I know that Master and I will not always see eye-to-eye... but I also know, without a doubt, that this is what I want. It's not a sex thing... it's a love thing.
<3 Master's lil one, Jade
For instance, I am neurotic and paranoid. I don't quite have the feeling of "everybody is out to get me" all the time, but I do tend to think the worst... about almost everything. It's not necessarily "this person hates me" or "that person is talking behind my back." It's not that type of paranoia. It's more of the "what will happen if I do this" and "why did I have to do that" type. It's like constantly playing a "What If..." game with myself and it's hard to live each day with those types of thoughts in the back of my mind.
I'm also extremely indecisive. I find it hard to make even the simplest choices. When I get dressed in the morning, I actually have to set myself a time limit or I will (literally) spend hours in front the closet trying to figure out what I want to wear. For lunch, I practically eat the same thing every single day because, if I have too many options, I would never leave the kitchen. As I've gotten older, it's gotten better because I know I HAVE TO make a decision, but sometimes, making a decision can bring me to the point of tears because I don't want to make the wrong one.
Finally, and probably most importantly, I don't ever let go of anything. I may forgive, but I absolutely never, ever forget. I didn't have an easy childhood... and my life still isn't the easiest. It could have been worse, but then again, it could have been better. I keep replaying everything that has happened to me in my mind... it's like a video that I don't know how to turn off. I suppose Master put it best when He said "You can't let go..."
I guess all these things tie in together... they tie in together into one simple point: I'm scared. It's like, my physical body gets older with every birthday I have, but my mental body is staying stagnant... I am stuck in the constant mentality of a child. Maybe, in a way, I am trying to recapture the childhood that I lost and never got to have due to the situation I was put in during my youth. I know that, although I CAN act older, I have the propensity to act like a child... very silly and nonsensical. I'm afraid to face who and what I am, and so, I continually act like a child so that I don't have to face the everyday realities of myself.
Master keeps telling that I need to just close my eyes and jump... that He'll be there to catch me as I'm falling. It's not that I don't trust Him (which is what I think He honestly believes)... I don't trust me. I feel like a failure and total screw up (something that I know Master won't like to hear, but it's true... He can stop me from saying the words, but He can't stop me from feeling them... I am the only one who can do that). Master wants me to stop worrying about hurting Him and just let whatever is going to happen, happen. I know I should stop worrying so much, but I can't help it. I've always been the "motherly" type of person... caring for everybody else and putting everybody else's needs before mine. It's a hard habit to break.
I honestly need to let go. I need to close my eyes and jump. I need to trust Master to be there to catch me. And almost more importantly, I need to trust myself. I had an epiphany over the weekend... that I can never be the type of girl that Master needs and wants until I let go. Yes, it is (basically) something that He has been telling me for... basically forever... but it's something that I had to come to the realization of by myself... someway, somehow.
I need the freedom and control that Master's hand offers me. I already know that, if I am able to let go, I will fight it... that I will fight Him. I will always be the type of girl that needs and wants cuddles and loves, but I also know that I need and want a strong hand. I am just as comfortable cuddling with Master as I am with His hand around my throat, if not more so. Yes, I do have my limits, and yes, I know that Master and I will not always see eye-to-eye... but I also know, without a doubt, that this is what I want. It's not a sex thing... it's a love thing.
<3 Master's lil one, Jade
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