It's been one year to the day since I first met Master.
One insane... one stressful... one glorious year.
Things with Him have been going great. Sure, O/our relationship has its ups and downs... but really, what relationship doesn't? Nothing will ever be perfect. Of that I am sure. But I also know this:
I love Master.
Period.
And that's all there is to it!
<3 Master's lil one, Jade
Monday, January 26, 2009
Sunday, January 25, 2009
A nasty little habit
I know that I should be doing other things right now, but I can't help but be on here right now. I NEED to write... I HAVE TO write. If I don't, I'm sure that I will explode into a million pieces.
Master was angry with me last night. And by angry, I do mean ANGRY.
To begin, I must explain that I have this nasty little habit of biting my nails. I don't do it every day, and I generally don't do it in public. But I do tend to gnaw on my nails (and cuticles) when I'm bored or pensive or tired. 99.9% of the time I don't know that I'm doing it. Even after being told to stop a few times, I don't always. I'm not quite sure why, but I don't stop. Really, I don't think I realize that my fingers are back in my mouth.
Anyways, back to last night.
So, Master and I were lying in bed going to sleep and I started nibbling my nails. He pulled my hand away from my mouth. Well, my fingers kept going back into my mouth, and finally, His hand came out from nowhere and slapped my hand... HARD. He's smacked my hand on a couple of occasions, but this time, it was quite hard. The shock of it actually stunned me. I'm not sure which hurt more... the hit or knowing that I had made Master angry. Actually, yes I do. It was the latter.
I know that He dislikes the fact that I bite my nails. And I am somewhat trying to quit. But as I said, I'm not always aware that I am doing it. But it's frustrating Master that I am still doing it... and that's NOT what I want at all. *sigh* Perhaps Master's thought (that was made half in jest) of cuffing me at night wouldn't be a half-bad thing. The only problem would be what W/we would do on days where I have to get up first in the mornings.
I DO want to quit... if only to make Master happy. I just don't quite know how!
<3 Master's lil one, Jade
Master was angry with me last night. And by angry, I do mean ANGRY.
To begin, I must explain that I have this nasty little habit of biting my nails. I don't do it every day, and I generally don't do it in public. But I do tend to gnaw on my nails (and cuticles) when I'm bored or pensive or tired. 99.9% of the time I don't know that I'm doing it. Even after being told to stop a few times, I don't always. I'm not quite sure why, but I don't stop. Really, I don't think I realize that my fingers are back in my mouth.
Anyways, back to last night.
So, Master and I were lying in bed going to sleep and I started nibbling my nails. He pulled my hand away from my mouth. Well, my fingers kept going back into my mouth, and finally, His hand came out from nowhere and slapped my hand... HARD. He's smacked my hand on a couple of occasions, but this time, it was quite hard. The shock of it actually stunned me. I'm not sure which hurt more... the hit or knowing that I had made Master angry. Actually, yes I do. It was the latter.
I know that He dislikes the fact that I bite my nails. And I am somewhat trying to quit. But as I said, I'm not always aware that I am doing it. But it's frustrating Master that I am still doing it... and that's NOT what I want at all. *sigh* Perhaps Master's thought (that was made half in jest) of cuffing me at night wouldn't be a half-bad thing. The only problem would be what W/we would do on days where I have to get up first in the mornings.
I DO want to quit... if only to make Master happy. I just don't quite know how!
<3 Master's lil one, Jade
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Dearest Master,
I don't know what's wrong with me lately. It just seems as though everything is so off kilter. I hate the fact that I am so moody and so... so... blah. It's like, I want everything to be alright, but I just can't seem to make it alright in my head and in my heart. Nothing in particular is wrong. It's just a conglomeration of everything and anything going on right now.
Master, I feel as though W/we need to talk. It seems as though all of O/our time is spent either with You on the computer and me doing chores or with both of U/us sitting in front of the TV. I see You every day... yet I don't quite feel as though I get to REALLY spend time with You. I feel as though W/we are most "intimate" (and not in a sexual way) in the moments before W/we fall asleep at night. And usually that's only a moment or two and one of U/us is falling asleep (usually me before You). I feel as though I need more. W/we used to talk so much... spend so much actual time together. Now... now it feels as though there's so little.
I don't mean to be needy and greedy about the amount of time I get to spend with You. I really, truly don't. But at the same time, I have so many questions that need to be answered... so many thoughts that need to get out. With the way things are right now, I don't want to burden You because I know You have enough on Your mind. So, I keep everything inside and try to pretend and make believe that everything is ok when it's really not.
I don't know... I just don't know. I wish I did... I wish I could explain. I hate myself for feeling this way. I hate myself for being this way. I hate myself... wholly and completely. And that's so bad... so against everything that You've tried to teach me and instill in me. I just can't help it. I disgust myself every single time I look in the mirror. I don't know why, but I feel as though I want to rip my skin off and rebuild myself step-by-step. Perhaps it's because it's THAT time of the year (5 years to the day exactly) and I always feel so disgusting around this time of the year... or perhaps it's because I always have felt disgusting. I honestly don't know if I always will. I hope not, but I can't be certain.
I don't need a lot of things. Yes, there are things that I want, but I don't necessarily need to have them. I just need... a little attention. I suppose. You give me attention... and so much affection. Yet it feels as though something is missing, though I can't quite pin-point it. All I know is that, sometimes, I wish I could just rip the computer and TV right out of the wall and scream and jump up and down. I stopped throwing temper tantrums years ago... yet that's exactly what I want to do right now. Perhaps it's the little girl inside of me yearning... needing to get out.
Master, You are my entire world. I suppose part of me is scared and worried... about everything. But mainly about losing You. I suppose it's partly because I already feel, to some degree, that I am losing You already. You're still here physically, but You are so many miles away in so many other aspects.
I love You Master.
I just wish I knew what to do about these stupid feelings... I just wish I knew what to do.
<3 Your lil one, Jade
Master, I feel as though W/we need to talk. It seems as though all of O/our time is spent either with You on the computer and me doing chores or with both of U/us sitting in front of the TV. I see You every day... yet I don't quite feel as though I get to REALLY spend time with You. I feel as though W/we are most "intimate" (and not in a sexual way) in the moments before W/we fall asleep at night. And usually that's only a moment or two and one of U/us is falling asleep (usually me before You). I feel as though I need more. W/we used to talk so much... spend so much actual time together. Now... now it feels as though there's so little.
I don't mean to be needy and greedy about the amount of time I get to spend with You. I really, truly don't. But at the same time, I have so many questions that need to be answered... so many thoughts that need to get out. With the way things are right now, I don't want to burden You because I know You have enough on Your mind. So, I keep everything inside and try to pretend and make believe that everything is ok when it's really not.
I don't know... I just don't know. I wish I did... I wish I could explain. I hate myself for feeling this way. I hate myself for being this way. I hate myself... wholly and completely. And that's so bad... so against everything that You've tried to teach me and instill in me. I just can't help it. I disgust myself every single time I look in the mirror. I don't know why, but I feel as though I want to rip my skin off and rebuild myself step-by-step. Perhaps it's because it's THAT time of the year (5 years to the day exactly) and I always feel so disgusting around this time of the year... or perhaps it's because I always have felt disgusting. I honestly don't know if I always will. I hope not, but I can't be certain.
I don't need a lot of things. Yes, there are things that I want, but I don't necessarily need to have them. I just need... a little attention. I suppose. You give me attention... and so much affection. Yet it feels as though something is missing, though I can't quite pin-point it. All I know is that, sometimes, I wish I could just rip the computer and TV right out of the wall and scream and jump up and down. I stopped throwing temper tantrums years ago... yet that's exactly what I want to do right now. Perhaps it's the little girl inside of me yearning... needing to get out.
Master, You are my entire world. I suppose part of me is scared and worried... about everything. But mainly about losing You. I suppose it's partly because I already feel, to some degree, that I am losing You already. You're still here physically, but You are so many miles away in so many other aspects.
I love You Master.
I just wish I knew what to do about these stupid feelings... I just wish I knew what to do.
<3 Your lil one, Jade
Saturday, January 17, 2009
A strange turn...
Things here have been interestingly strange... but in a good way.
The other night, Master was, once again, attached to the computer. I started thinking that He might be, already, getting bored with me. It seems that, even though she is gone, He is still spending quite a bit of time playing WoW. So, I had a wee bit of a 'tude with Him the other night. Not the "angry, stomping around with a scowl on my face" type of attitude. It was more of the "sad, pondering of life" type of attitude.
That night, I was up in bed reading (generally, I go up to bed about 15-20 minutes before Him and read... just to wind down) and He came up and asked me what was wrong. Of course, I said "nothing" and just kept reading. He climbed into bed and snuggled up to me and asked me again. I put my book down and snuggled into Him... and then I simply said "I miss You." He held me tight... knowing exactly what I meant and not being one bit mad or upset with me. We actually had a nice little talk that night.
The past few days, He's been off the computer and spending time with me. He even went to the grocery store with me yesterday... something that He hates. He mainly went because I was pretty upset, but I had to do some grocery shopping. My last baby kitten was adopted yesterday, and it was heartbreaking... I cried. I asked if He would go with me... and He got up, got dressed, and we went. It was fun. W/we got to spend time together, and He got a few "treats." I actually really liked having Him there with me (I generally like shopping alone... it's less complicated that way).
In all honesty, I feel like a greedy little girl. A very spoiled, greedy little girl. I DO understand His need to get out His agressions... and since we cannot play due to His arm not being completely healed... He needs another outlet. And so, He plays Wow because He can kill things and it keeps His mind off of other things. But at the same time, I need just a little attention.
For most of my life, I've been a bit of a loner. I like people... sometimes... but I've always been the one to go off on my own. I don't feel constrained by the ideals of society. I can find a nice tree to sit under and read... or take off my shoes and wade in a stream... or climb a tree and watch for wildlife. But since meeting Master, I have needed more contact than ever... mainly with Him. I enjoy snuggling up with Him. Mostly, W/we watch TV, but sometimes it would be nice to DO something... anything.
I feel so needy, but I do think that Master understands. At least, I hope He does. Part of me is afraid of becoming TOO needy and pushing Him away. I just hope that W/we talk about it before it becomes problematic. It hasn't thus far... and I'm just hoping that it never does.
As for now, W/we will just be together.
I love Him... heart, mind, body, and soul.
<3 Master's lil one, Jade
The other night, Master was, once again, attached to the computer. I started thinking that He might be, already, getting bored with me. It seems that, even though she is gone, He is still spending quite a bit of time playing WoW. So, I had a wee bit of a 'tude with Him the other night. Not the "angry, stomping around with a scowl on my face" type of attitude. It was more of the "sad, pondering of life" type of attitude.
That night, I was up in bed reading (generally, I go up to bed about 15-20 minutes before Him and read... just to wind down) and He came up and asked me what was wrong. Of course, I said "nothing" and just kept reading. He climbed into bed and snuggled up to me and asked me again. I put my book down and snuggled into Him... and then I simply said "I miss You." He held me tight... knowing exactly what I meant and not being one bit mad or upset with me. We actually had a nice little talk that night.
The past few days, He's been off the computer and spending time with me. He even went to the grocery store with me yesterday... something that He hates. He mainly went because I was pretty upset, but I had to do some grocery shopping. My last baby kitten was adopted yesterday, and it was heartbreaking... I cried. I asked if He would go with me... and He got up, got dressed, and we went. It was fun. W/we got to spend time together, and He got a few "treats." I actually really liked having Him there with me (I generally like shopping alone... it's less complicated that way).
In all honesty, I feel like a greedy little girl. A very spoiled, greedy little girl. I DO understand His need to get out His agressions... and since we cannot play due to His arm not being completely healed... He needs another outlet. And so, He plays Wow because He can kill things and it keeps His mind off of other things. But at the same time, I need just a little attention.
For most of my life, I've been a bit of a loner. I like people... sometimes... but I've always been the one to go off on my own. I don't feel constrained by the ideals of society. I can find a nice tree to sit under and read... or take off my shoes and wade in a stream... or climb a tree and watch for wildlife. But since meeting Master, I have needed more contact than ever... mainly with Him. I enjoy snuggling up with Him. Mostly, W/we watch TV, but sometimes it would be nice to DO something... anything.
I feel so needy, but I do think that Master understands. At least, I hope He does. Part of me is afraid of becoming TOO needy and pushing Him away. I just hope that W/we talk about it before it becomes problematic. It hasn't thus far... and I'm just hoping that it never does.
As for now, W/we will just be together.
I love Him... heart, mind, body, and soul.
<3 Master's lil one, Jade
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Frustrated and Completely Overwhelmed
Let me just preface this from the very beginning...
I love making Master happy.
The thing is, as of late, I don't feel like doing a damn thing. I just want to sit on my ass and watch TV and sleep. Master hasn't really said much about how lazy I've been lately, but it's been working on my mind. I don't want to disappoint or upset Him, but at the same time, I just don't care right now. I feel like I'm being so damn selfish by not doing what I need to do... what I should do... but something inside of me feels like it's tearing apart and I'm going to snap.
Most of the time when this happens, I don't quite know why... I can't quite figure out what's going on with me. But this time... this time I know exactly what's going on inside my head. I've got so much to do and I can't get it all done... and I'm getting frustrated and completely overwhelmed. This house is still such a disaster area and it doesn't seem as though it's getting any better. No matter how much I try, I feel as though W/we're getting stuck in this dirty ass rut. I WANT it to be clean... I WANT Master to be happy... but being this frustrated and overwhelmed makes me less inclined to do anything because I figure "why try?"
We've had friends over on the weekends, and while I do enjoy their company, it always seems as though it's a bigger problem for me in the long run because, when they leave, they always a bigger mess for me to clean up. Plus, I rarely ever really get anything done when they're here. Plus, with my work schedule all over the place, I never really know when I'm going to have time to clean. Then, on top of everything else, I have my "regular," every-day things to do... cook, laundry, roll cigarettes, etc etc etc.
It makes me want to scream...
I AM ONE FUCKIN PERSON!!! I CAN'T FUCKIN DO IT ALL!!!
*sigh*
<3 Master's lil one, Jade
I love making Master happy.
The thing is, as of late, I don't feel like doing a damn thing. I just want to sit on my ass and watch TV and sleep. Master hasn't really said much about how lazy I've been lately, but it's been working on my mind. I don't want to disappoint or upset Him, but at the same time, I just don't care right now. I feel like I'm being so damn selfish by not doing what I need to do... what I should do... but something inside of me feels like it's tearing apart and I'm going to snap.
Most of the time when this happens, I don't quite know why... I can't quite figure out what's going on with me. But this time... this time I know exactly what's going on inside my head. I've got so much to do and I can't get it all done... and I'm getting frustrated and completely overwhelmed. This house is still such a disaster area and it doesn't seem as though it's getting any better. No matter how much I try, I feel as though W/we're getting stuck in this dirty ass rut. I WANT it to be clean... I WANT Master to be happy... but being this frustrated and overwhelmed makes me less inclined to do anything because I figure "why try?"
We've had friends over on the weekends, and while I do enjoy their company, it always seems as though it's a bigger problem for me in the long run because, when they leave, they always a bigger mess for me to clean up. Plus, I rarely ever really get anything done when they're here. Plus, with my work schedule all over the place, I never really know when I'm going to have time to clean. Then, on top of everything else, I have my "regular," every-day things to do... cook, laundry, roll cigarettes, etc etc etc.
It makes me want to scream...
I AM ONE FUCKIN PERSON!!! I CAN'T FUCKIN DO IT ALL!!!
*sigh*
<3 Master's lil one, Jade
Sunday, January 11, 2009
A little playtime... please?
Master and I haven't really played... ever... for multiple reasons.
First off, W/we wanted to make sure that this is what I really wanted. W/we started seeing each other and talking... a lot. During the time I wasn't collared... when He was considering me... I fell in love with Him. I stopped thinking about other men... stopped wanting other men. I honestly never meant to fall in love with Him, but I did. Finally, He collared me. Once I was collared, things around here got very... interesting. Originally, W/we were a poly household, but apparently the other one didn't *really* want to be a poly household, and she got very... mean. She had a constant attitude... which made Him have an attitude. Because of this, W/we never really had a chance to play. W/we had sex, many times in secret, but it was always very... vanilla. Of course, during this time period, He had arm surgery on His dominant arm... which kept Him from doing any sort of play. Plus, because of a certain somebody, He was sleeping on the couch and I was sleeping in a recliner in the living room. So, W/we weren't even really sleeping together. Even though she finally moved out, W/we still really haven't played. His arm is still recovering, but it's so much more than that.
Master told me that He doesn't want to hurt me. Because of the fact that His arm is still kind of in limbo, He would feel much more comfortable getting back into the "swing" of things with somebody who He has gotten to play with before. For one thing, He would know that person's body better than mine... pain tolerance and all that jazz. And He doesn't want to try something and hurt me... and then have me be hesitant and scared to do it again sometime down the road. I know that there will be things that I will like and somethings that I won't like. Master and I have already made strides in facing some of my fears, but W/we're still working on somethings. But He's even hesitant to play with somebody else because He wants me to be ready for that too... even though I have already told Him that I'd be ok. Either way, He doesn't want to hurt me... physically and/or emotionally.
Even so, I need some play. I understand that He doesn't want to hurt me in any way, but this whole vanilla-y world is just so... so... so boring!! I need to be used. I need to be abused. I need Him to take my body and make it His. I need Him to make me beg and plead. I need to wake up in the morning sore and tired. I need to be able to trace the marks and bruises on my body that He has left. I need the release of pain and pleasure. I need His control and dominance. W/we don't have to start with anything real "hard core." W/we could start light and get rougher and rougher as W/we explore and as His arm heals. I just need it... and I need it NOW.
The thing is, Master doesn't really know this... and I'm not sure how to tell Him. I want to, but every time I want to bring this up, I get too embarassed. How to say to Him, "Master, I want... I need... You to hurt me. To use me." I mean, that's not really a conversation starter.
I just... I don't know what to do...
<3 Master's lil one, Jade
First off, W/we wanted to make sure that this is what I really wanted. W/we started seeing each other and talking... a lot. During the time I wasn't collared... when He was considering me... I fell in love with Him. I stopped thinking about other men... stopped wanting other men. I honestly never meant to fall in love with Him, but I did. Finally, He collared me. Once I was collared, things around here got very... interesting. Originally, W/we were a poly household, but apparently the other one didn't *really* want to be a poly household, and she got very... mean. She had a constant attitude... which made Him have an attitude. Because of this, W/we never really had a chance to play. W/we had sex, many times in secret, but it was always very... vanilla. Of course, during this time period, He had arm surgery on His dominant arm... which kept Him from doing any sort of play. Plus, because of a certain somebody, He was sleeping on the couch and I was sleeping in a recliner in the living room. So, W/we weren't even really sleeping together. Even though she finally moved out, W/we still really haven't played. His arm is still recovering, but it's so much more than that.
Master told me that He doesn't want to hurt me. Because of the fact that His arm is still kind of in limbo, He would feel much more comfortable getting back into the "swing" of things with somebody who He has gotten to play with before. For one thing, He would know that person's body better than mine... pain tolerance and all that jazz. And He doesn't want to try something and hurt me... and then have me be hesitant and scared to do it again sometime down the road. I know that there will be things that I will like and somethings that I won't like. Master and I have already made strides in facing some of my fears, but W/we're still working on somethings. But He's even hesitant to play with somebody else because He wants me to be ready for that too... even though I have already told Him that I'd be ok. Either way, He doesn't want to hurt me... physically and/or emotionally.
Even so, I need some play. I understand that He doesn't want to hurt me in any way, but this whole vanilla-y world is just so... so... so boring!! I need to be used. I need to be abused. I need Him to take my body and make it His. I need Him to make me beg and plead. I need to wake up in the morning sore and tired. I need to be able to trace the marks and bruises on my body that He has left. I need the release of pain and pleasure. I need His control and dominance. W/we don't have to start with anything real "hard core." W/we could start light and get rougher and rougher as W/we explore and as His arm heals. I just need it... and I need it NOW.
The thing is, Master doesn't really know this... and I'm not sure how to tell Him. I want to, but every time I want to bring this up, I get too embarassed. How to say to Him, "Master, I want... I need... You to hurt me. To use me." I mean, that's not really a conversation starter.
I just... I don't know what to do...
<3 Master's lil one, Jade
Friday, January 9, 2009
2008
This past year has been crazy... for lack of a better word. It has been full of ups and downs... wrongs and rights... lies and love. I can't believe how much has happened in just 365 days (well, add one because it was a leap year). It just doesn't seem as though 2008 has ended and 2009 has begun. It doesn't feel real at all.
Master and I have been together for almost a year now... and I have been collared to Him for almost 7 months. I have been living with Him for almost 2 months and it feels as though W/we have already been through an entire lifetime together. I never thought that it would be possible to love a man so much... but I love Master with everything I am. He is everything to me... I love Him more and more each day.
When I first met Master, I honestly didn't expect the relationship to go very far. I've never had much luck with relationships, and I didn't expect this to be much different. When I think about it, really think about, if you had told me a year ago that I'd be living with Him, I would have laughed in your face. But here I am... living with Master and loving every minute of it.
W/we had a really rough patch, starting about the time that He collared me and it was hurting both of U/us. I knew that W/we were both hurting, and I did everything I could to make His life a little better. That's when I knew how strong O/our relationship was... strong enough to withstand going through Hell and making it through in one piece. He and I have something that I would have never thought possible for me... W/we have a love made from the strongest fibers and threads that can never be torn.
Although many aspects of 2008 sucked... it was, in hindsight, a pretty okay year. I found the Man of my dreams, and He became more to me than I could have ever imagined. Master is everything I could have asked for... and more. Sometimes, yes, He drives me crazy, but then again, I know that I drive Him crazy as well.
I'm a very very lucky little girl.
<3 Master's lil one, Jade
Master and I have been together for almost a year now... and I have been collared to Him for almost 7 months. I have been living with Him for almost 2 months and it feels as though W/we have already been through an entire lifetime together. I never thought that it would be possible to love a man so much... but I love Master with everything I am. He is everything to me... I love Him more and more each day.
When I first met Master, I honestly didn't expect the relationship to go very far. I've never had much luck with relationships, and I didn't expect this to be much different. When I think about it, really think about, if you had told me a year ago that I'd be living with Him, I would have laughed in your face. But here I am... living with Master and loving every minute of it.
W/we had a really rough patch, starting about the time that He collared me and it was hurting both of U/us. I knew that W/we were both hurting, and I did everything I could to make His life a little better. That's when I knew how strong O/our relationship was... strong enough to withstand going through Hell and making it through in one piece. He and I have something that I would have never thought possible for me... W/we have a love made from the strongest fibers and threads that can never be torn.
Although many aspects of 2008 sucked... it was, in hindsight, a pretty okay year. I found the Man of my dreams, and He became more to me than I could have ever imagined. Master is everything I could have asked for... and more. Sometimes, yes, He drives me crazy, but then again, I know that I drive Him crazy as well.
I'm a very very lucky little girl.
<3 Master's lil one, Jade
Thursday, January 8, 2009
A New Year
It's a new year...
And with this year comes many, many changes.
So, I thought... it's time for a new look... a new blog.
More later.
<3 Master's lil one, Jade
And with this year comes many, many changes.
So, I thought... it's time for a new look... a new blog.
More later.
<3 Master's lil one, Jade
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