All the Randomness

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately.

Think. Think. Think. Think.

I feel like Winnie the Pooh. lol

I've got so much going on in my head. It's absolutely ridiculous. I can't seem to sort out one thing from another. It's all just going round and round and round in there, and I'm starting to get dizzy. I guess the best way to put it is... I'm overwhelmed.

First and foremost, my house is atrocious. I need to clean... and clean... and clean. But I'm so damn tired all the time I hardly know which way is up (then why, you ask, am I up at 11 p.m.... I have no idea). Plus, with my work schedule, it leave little time for cleaning. As much as I want to get things done, I get home and just crash. It's like major brain overload. And it doesn't help that I work a very emotionally (and to some degree, physically) exhausting job. So, when I get home, I just need to curl myself away and forget the world. But I try to keep pushing and pushing and pushing myself... though I know if I do that too too too much, I will eventually snap and it will be very very very bad.

Secondly, I need to get out of this damn house. Yes, I work and I'm hardly AT my house. But that's not what I mean. I need to go out and do something. Even if it's just going to the park for a picnic. I need to get out and spend just a little one-on-one time with Master. He and I have been so busy that it's ridiculous. I think the longest conversations W/we have anymore are the ones when W/we're lying in bed ready to fall asleep. And even those only last a few minutes. I'd love to go to the park... or hiking... or something. W/we don't have to go out and spend money (like W/we have any to spend anyway... fuckin economy). I just want to be with Him... away from the computers and the TV and all that jazz. You know... turn off the phones and just disappear from the world for a day.

And finally, I think I need a mentor. Like, somebody who has been in the lifestyle for awhile... yet has some similarities to me and my situation. I'd like somebody who has some of the same likes and dislikes and is about my age to help me learn and grow and understand. Master is absolutely amazing, but He can't really help me all too much from my end. I've always been a relatively fast learner, but I'm also ridiculously stubborn and kind of have the mindset of "if I don't wanna, I'm not gonna." That... and I'm shy. Like, I have everything in my brain and I know, but I'm not sure how to put it into practice because I find myself being embarassed quite often. I have friends, but none that are in the lifestyle (though they do kind of know about it) and so they really can't understand and help too much. I just really wish I had someone to talk to... to be able to vent to and work things out with. I have Master, but as I said... He can't really help me from my end of things. *sigh*

My brain is so jam-packed full. I feel like I'm going 'round in circles. And I really feel as though I'm repeating myself over and over and over. It's like... bitch, moan, cry, complain... blah blah blah. I don't mean it to sound like that, but I have to get it out. So, I'm sorry if I sound like a wimpy whiner... I just need to get it out. Hell, I'm not even sure half of this makes sense to anybody. Sometimes when I go back and read what I've written, I'm like "WTF was I talking about." It's so confusing.

And I just ramble on... and on... and on... and on.

Ok. Perhaps I should go to bed now.

<3 Master's lil one, Jade

Sunday

Sunday was a very special day.

Not only was it Father's Day...

But it was also exactly 1 year to the day since Master collared me.

*sigh*

Even though W/we spent the majority of it with my psycho family... it was a good day. I'm not sure Master remembered what the day was, but I did and kept it in the back of my mind.

<3 Master's lil one, Jade

Clarification

I suppose I really should clarify a few things from the other night...

While I was sitting on the bed bawling and fighting the urge to just rip my skin wide open, Master came in and said something like "I know this might sound mean, but you need to get the fuck over it. It's been a year and a half and still you don't have full trust in me. I've been in this lifestyle for over 20 years and I know what I'm doing. You need to decide what you want..." (not exactly verbatim, but close enough to get the point).

First and foremost, when I get scared or angry... like really really really scared or angry... I shut down and I just react. When I say "just react," people think "Well, most people really don't think about what they are doing when they are in a stressful sitution." However, I am not like most people who can control themselves. When I say I "just react" I mean that my body takes over and I am no longer in control. I, literally, black out and do NOT remember what I am doing. It is a VERY bad thing, which is probably the main reason that I right so hard to keep my temper under control because, if I don't, I honestly don't know what I am capable of and I do not want to EVER hurt someone... especially someone I love.

So, to put me in that type of situation... where my heart starts to pound and I can feel my fear and temper rising... I have to leave or else who knows what may happen. I understand that Master is a very strong man, but I'm not sure even He could subdue me enough to calm me down in order for me to "regain consciousness," so to speak. He tells me not to underestimate His strength, but at the same time, He cannot underestimate mine. It scares me shitless to know that I am capable of hurting one or both of us without even really being there. So, it's not necessarily Master that I don't trust... It's ME.

Secondly, I do understand that Master knows what He is doing. I do understand that He has been in this lifestyle for quite some time and that I am very new. However, Master also has not really swung a flogger (or anything else) for a year or so. He had surgery on His arm August of '08 and was out of commission for a little while before that and up until now. Although He knows what He is doing, He has to get the feel of it back. In addition, seeing as I am a "spanking virgin" (haha), He has to be very careful with me in the beginning until W/we figure things out.

Master also told me that He did NOT want to use me to start getting His arm back in shape due to the fact that I am brand new. However, He said the other night that He had to because He doesn't have anybody else He can use. I understand this, but He cannot do it in anger the first time because W/we don't know or understand how my mind and body will react (Oh, and Master has a specific flogger for punishment- at least I don't think He uses it for anything else- "Mr. Nasty" lol). W/we need to really start working on getting me aclaimated to the lifestyle because W/we really haven't been living it 24/7 like W/we intended.

Anyways, Tuesday (the day after our big blowout), Master finally fixed the vacuum. It was majorly clogged and was not suctioning right at all. W/we do have a smaller vacuum, but it doesn't pick up like the big one does. AND He vacuumed the living room for me. *happy smile* I guess it's Master's way of saying "I'm sorry. I love you. And I forgive you." At least I HOPE that's what He was trying to say. Either way, that's what I take from it!

<3 Master's lil one, Jade

A Short Confession

I have never been spanked/flogged/whipped before in my life... save for when my parents spanked me as a child.

Master has smacked my ass and breasts with His hand, but at the same time, it's not the same as using some sort of impliment (crop, flogger, paddle, etc) on me. Truthfully, I DO enjoy pain, and I have not found exactly where my tolerance is yet. I find some bliss in pain... it's a huge emotional release for me.

Right now, Master is upset with me for, yet again, having a smart mouth. Honestly, I didn't really realize that I was having a smart mouth with Him. W/we were texting back and forth and I got carried away. I couldn't tell that He was becoming upset... and He, of course, didn't tell me. I thought W/we were just playing back and forth as W/we do quite often.

Just a few moments ago, He came at me with one of His floggers (towards my front), and naturally, I flinched and backed away. I am dreadfully afraid of anything coming towards my face due to the abuse I endured as a child/adolescent. I tried to stay still, but that whole "fight for flight" moment presented itself and I thought I might have passed out due to fear. I tried to pretend that I wasn't scared, but I was... oh, I was.

Now, Master is even more angry with me. He threw the flogger and said "Just throw the shit away then!" He stalked off and I went to clean up... and a few minutes later, He came in and started throwing all of His toys in a drawer and in the closet. I honestly don't know what to think or what to do. I'm so afraid that this may be the end of U/us... but at the same time, I can't help but be angry as well.

I'm sorry... but the first time I get flogged/spanked/whipped, it CANNOT be in anger. I will grow to fear the toys that are meant to be painfully pleasurable. I'm already scared enough as it is, and for Him to do what He just did makes me even more scared. I WANT to be able to please Master, but He knows my past and I thought He understood. Apparently, I was completely mistaken in assuming.

Right now, all I want to do is cause myself pain... and I pray to whatever god(s) there is/are that I am able to control it...

<3 Master's lil one, Jade

How to Deal

And I'm not talking about the movie!

When I am upset (about anything at all), I am the type of person who gets VERY quiet. I keep my problems to myself and fight a silent war within my own mind. I know it's not always the healthiest way to cope with my problems, but it's the only way I know how to deal with the different things that arise in my life. And hell, it's a lot healthier than some of the things I used to do (and every once in awhile, get the urge to do again but don't do) when I was younger.

Sometimes I talk a lot and people don't even know that I am upset. Other times, I speak very little and people usually notice that something is wrong, though I can generally brush it off as "being tired." And other times, I am completely silent, not even speaking when it is necessary (ie: when I am spoken to). Most of the time when I am completely silent, it's not that I don't WANT to talk... it's that I CAN'T. It's like, I can't even physically make my mouth move even though the words in my head are screaming to get out and be heard.

When Master and I first started seeing each other, I warned Him about this... tendency... to not talk when I am very upset. Since being with Him (or more recently, living with Him), this has happened twice... that I have gotten so upset that I didn't/couldn't talk. Well, both times He has gotten really, REALLY angry, and to be completely honest, Him getting angry actually makes things worse. The anger I see and feel from Him seals my lips shut and makes me retreat even farther into myself.

I understand that I am supposed to be able to talk to Master and tell Him what is bothering me, etc. And I CAN talk to Master... except when I am extremely upset about something. I can a little while later, but I need time in order to compose my thoughts and loosen my tongue. More than half the time when I am upset, I don't even know WHAT I am upset about (and I've told Master this as well). Usually I figure it out and then I can talk about it, but it takes me more than 2 minutes. Sometimes it can last 30 minutes... sometimes and hour... sometimes more. The longest I've gone without speaking to anybody was about 36 hours (I think). I'll eventually come out of it. While I'm "in" it, so to speak, I need love and kindness and caring. It's not something that's easy to deal with, but it's part of who I am.

Part of me wonders if Master thinks that I am upset with Him and that hasn't been the case (yes I have gotten upset with Him but not so much that I can't speak). Sometimes it comes from something I see... sometimes it comes from something I hear... sometimes it comes from a conversation I'm having... sometimes it comes from a memory... and sometimes it comes out of absolutely nowhere. I don't know why I get so upset over things; I just do. I'll just chalk it up to having a very tender, sensitive heart.

<3 Master's lil one, Jade

Shoes and flowers

I hate shoes.

And by hate, I mean totally and completely abhor shoes. Unless it's absolutely necessary, I do NOT wear shoes. I suppose some of my dislike of shoes comes from growing up in a household where shoes are not allowed to be worn inside (it's a cultural thing). It also probably comes from not being forced by my parents to wear shoes while outside in the yard (we lived in a VERY suburban area). So, my feet are unaccustomed to wearing shoes... to being restricted and not being allowed to breathe. Probably 98% of the shoes that I own are of the "flip-flop" variety. So, for most of my life, I haven't worn shoes unless I absolutely have to (ie: for work).

Master, however, has a more... strict... shoe policy. If I go outside, I am to wear shoes. No ifs, ands, or buts about it. Now, if I'm just putting the dog out back, He doesn't really say anything, but if I go outside for any other reason, I am supposed to wear shoes. I can see His point in wearing shoes if I step outside the house because W/we live in a small city and you never know what is on the ground. But at the same time, it is not habit for me to put shoes on to, say, run out to the car or walk the dog.

This morning, I was taking the dog out across the street to go potty when Master was leaving for work. Of course, I didn't stop and put my shoes on first. He was right behind me when I walked out the door... and then He wasn't. When I turned around to make sure that everything was ok, I saw the look on His face and came back inside and put my shoes on. My comment to Him: "Don't need no damn shoes." He simply said: "You're gonna get your ass beat." He has yet to "beat my ass" for such a minor infraction (or for anything really)... but it still makes me grumble inside when I think about just how much stock He puts in wearing shoes. *grumble grumble*

On another note, Master bought me flowers... a dozen red roses. He laid them upstairs on my pillow and didn't say anything when I got home. I went upstairs and got changed after work (icky dress clothes)... didn't notice them. I went upstairs and took my bra off after Master told me to (Master says no bras in the house- a rule I have trouble following because I hate not wearing something supportive cuz I'm so big)... I didn't notice them. I went upstairs and went to lay down after Master said "Go lay down for a minute" (which I thought was a peculiar request)... I FINALLY noticed them. lol Apparently, Master should have just hit me over the head with them.

But they make me smile. Master may not be one for cuddling (without roaming hands lol), but He always finds some way to remind me just how much He loves me.

<3 Master's lil one, Jade

Freedom... or maybe not?

Sometimes I miss my freedom.

And what I mean by freedom is... I miss not having anybody to worry about but myself. You see, I've been taking care of people since I was 11 years old and my parents divorced. My sisters and I went to live with our father who was, and to some extent still is, helpless in all matters relating to the household. He didn't know how to cook or clean or anything. So, I learned how to cook, clean, and do the laundry and dishes. I also raised my sisters.

Now, here I am in a relationship where I am, once again, taking care of somebody else. I cook for Master... I clean for Master (well, when I have the time)... I do the dishes and the laundry... I walk the dog (His dog, might I add). And I work my tushy off so that W/we can have money to hopefully get ourselves back on track financially.

Sometimes I wonder what I'm getting myself into... I've devoted my entire life to helping and taking care of other people. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE taking care of people. I mean, I'm a Social Worker, for goodness sake! If I didn't like taking care of people, I would NOT have majored in Social Work in college. lol When I was living alone, with nobody to take care of but myself, I always knew that there was a piece missing from my heart and soul. I was never completely happy, but I didn't know why. But as much as taking care of other people, helping and loving them, makes me feel good and makes me happy, I still wonder... Is there anybody who wants to take care of me?

I miss being held and cuddled... with no roaming hands and pinching/poking/smacking/etc. I don't really need it often, but I DO need it. I have this unquenchable thirst to feel as though I am needed and loved. Sometimes, I don't feel as loved as I know I am because Master and I don't get to spend the time together that I would like... and I know the blame is shared between U/us for that. Sometimes, I really just want to revert back to being a child... put a movie on, get some popcorn, and just snuggle.

I REALLY missed Master this weekend. W/we hardly saw each other, even though W/we were both here at home. *sigh*

Now that I'm really thinking about it, it's not "freedom" that I'm missing lately... it's the freedom that comes from being in another's arms...

<3 Master's lil one, Jade