Apathy + Master = ?

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately... kind of makes me feel like Winnie the Pooh. lol Think... think... think... think. No wonder I'm always exhausted... all I do is think!

Master is generally a very apathetic individual. It almost doesn't matter what I ask Him, the answer is pretty much always the same. It's either "I don't care" or "Whatever." Really, in O/our relationship, that doesn't help me much in learning my "submissive role." I am so new to this lifestyle... I don't honestly know or completely understand what is expected of me and what I am really supposed to do for Master and O/our relationship.

I can understand that there are something He really doesn't care about... for instance, what I make for dinner. I know what He likes and doesn't like, and for the most part, I try my best to stay away from the foods He doesn't care for/doesn't like. Yes, there are sometimes that I DO make something He's not too keen on, for instance, chicken. Master is much more of a red meat type of person... but at the same time, beef and steaks are expensive. Hell, meat in and of itself is expensive, but a person cannot live on carbs and vegetables alone. lol But for the most part, I stick to what He likes... even when I don't like it.

But there are sometimes... sometimes when I really really really wish that Master would be more... definitive. To be honest, I have never been the best at making choices. When I was younger, even trying to make a choice between, say, lollypop flavors would make my heart pound and my anxiety rise. No, I don't ALWAYS like being told what to do... that's part of my stubborn and independent personality. At the same time, however, if I ask you a question, it's because A) I truthfully value your opinion B) am having trouble making a decision on my own and C) I would actually like permission to do something.

No, I do not want a TPE relationship with Master. I honestly don't think that I could do it. I am too strong-willed, too stubborn, and too independent for that. BUT... I DO want some power exchange. Perhaps the reason Master and I are still somewhat stuck in a semi-vanilla relationship is because I don't feel as though I have any restraints put on me. I don't feel as though I have any rules. I don't feel as though He takes control of O/our relationship the way He should. I know that maybe I shouldn't feel like that, but how can I honestly think of O/our relationship as anything but equal when I am making all the decisions even when I ask Him? I don't feel like it is what it should be sometimes...

I know that Master and I have talked about this before... but nothing has changed. For example, Master, my sister and I went to the movies tonight, and I ended up making all the decisions about everything... from which theater W/we went to, to the snacks and where W/we got them and even the seats at the theater. My brain is about ready to fall out of my head. I'm not sure I can scream it any loud... I HATE MAKING DECISIONS! lol

Ok... so now I think I'm going to go vegetate... or maybe read... or watch a movie... or play my game. I guess on further examination, all of those things are considered "vegetating" things in my book. lol Oh well... maybe I'll... clean? Naaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.

<3 Master's lil one, Jade

Rolling On...

Well, life is rolling by just as it always does. Things here are crazy, insane, and just plain psychotic. lol

I recieved my acceptance letter from college and I shall be starting (again) mid-May. It's only a 1 year program to get my MSW (Master of Social Work). I'm excited, but at the same time hesitant and just a little bit worried about how everything is going to go seeing as I already work 2 jobs and have little "chill" time as it is. But, it's only 1 year and I know I can manage. Plus, I have to look at the positives of all this... once school is done and I've graduated, I will no longer have to work 2 jobs and can probably get a more regular 9-5ish type of job. Plus, there's more of a chance of having salaried work, benefits, and PTO/vacation days. So, although the next year is going to throw me through a loop and I'm never going to sleep... ever... I will make it through it and the end result will make Master's and my life soooooooooo much easier.

Otherwise, things are going pretty well. A few days after my first spanking... well... I recieved another one. *giggles* This time Master actually broke out His floggers and one of His paddles. After it was done, I think I passed out for like an hour. My head was all light and fluffy and filled with clouds. It's was good... another short one... but good nonetheless. Though, as I told Master, the only part of me that was really having trouble taking it was my thighs... apparently I have very sensitive thights. Master just said "that will come with time," and I suppose He's right. lol

Life is... pretty good right now. I still have about a zillion things to do in cleaning up and unpacking, but I've been kinda taking it easy. I'll admit that W/we still have a crapload of boxes and bags that need unpacked, but at the same time, if I overload myself completely, it's never going to get done because I will burn out and become comatose... moving around in a slightly vegatative state. I'll eventually get it done... just not right now!

However, I do need to make dinner... lol

<3 Master's lil one, Jade

A New Chapter

Master and I have opened up a new chapter in O/our lives this past week.

W/we have had a lot of changes and a lot of different things going on lately in O/our life. Some of the better... some, well, some are not-so-great. But W/we are making the best of everything.

The biggest change is that W/we have moved.

Master and I now live in the basement of my dad's house. It's not too bad living with my father because: A) the house is a huge split-level (4 br, 2.5 bath, 2 car garage, etc etc etc.), B) my father is rarely ever home (he's either at work or over at his girlfriend's house), and C) W/we can save up more money because, although W/we are paying rent, W/we have less bills to worry about and less finanical responsibility (no utilities or anything).

Unfortunately, W/we also have to be careful about certain things... things in O/our lifestyle. This is not a "forever" situation. W/we're planning on this being temporary... but with me going back to school for my MSW, it's really the best thing W/we could have done for O/ourselves... financially that is.

Speaking of the lifestyle... Master and I had some special time on Friday night. hehe My dad wasn't home, so Master and I took advantage of the solitude and had some fun. I got my very first (and hopefully not last) spanking. It wasn't much, honestly. It was short and pretty mild... and Master only used His hand... but it was wonderful. :-D But I do have a few nice bruises from it on my butt.

Master and I also talked about a few things... and I think He and I honestly need to sit down and write out what it is that each of U/us wants from each other and from the lifestyle. I think W/we also need to come up with a "plan." Friday night was the first night in a loooooong time that Master and I had done anything even remotely "play"-wise. I know W/we both need more... but I also know that W/we can work it out if W/we really set O/our minds to it.

Things are in constant flux right now... and everything is so crazy. I need some sleep now though... no more time to write. Perhaps another day... hopefully.

<3 Master's lil one, Jade