Part 2

And today is like nothing ever happened yesterday.

Master may not be much of a talker... or communicator in general. He generally tends to ignore things, and then they "go away." But in all honesty, that's not really how it works. I will sit here and think and wonder and need to know. Whenever Master and I have a fight, I need closure afterwards. If I don't have that, then it will weigh on my mind until I explode with frustration. The problem is, I can never get Master alone to talk with Him.

Neither Master nor I are the greatest when it comes to talking things out... which makes for a complicated relationship. Even if He's not angry or frustrated with me, He tends to take things out on me... usually by "snapping" when something isn't exactly right... and that REALLY hurts me. I don't think He realizes just how much it tears me apart inside every time He bites my head off about something or another.

I feel as though a lot of the problems W/we have come from the fact that neither of U/us really know what W/we want and need from the lifestyle. I also have a lot of problems letting go of things. I'm so used to taking care of myself and everybody else that it's very difficult for me to let Master take care of things. The other problem, in my opinion, is that I feel as though Master doesn't do a whole lot of "taking care of things." Sometimes I get very frustrated and exhausted with feeling as though I am doing everything... sometimes I want somebody to take care of me.

And on top of that, a lot of things I do, I feel as though Master interprets incorrectly. When I'm upset about something, I physically can't automatically go to Him even though I should be able to. It's not because I don't want to... it's because I'm ashamed to. I was brought up thinking that I needed to be able to take care of everything... and for me to fail in taking care of something brings a tremendous amount of shame. Even something as simple as me crying it difficult for me to let Him see because I'm ashamed of crying.

Sometimes I wish that Master would try harder. When something is amiss and I don't immediately turn to Him, He gets angry/frustrated with me, and He gets grumpy. When He gives up and won't talk to me, I feel as though He doesn't care enough to try and work it through with me. That's not how it was at the beginning of O/our relationship. When things between U/us first started, He tried so much harder. As O/our relationship has worn on, I feel as though He has given up... I feel as though He just don't care sometimes. And it's not just with things about U/us... it's life in general. I know that things aren't the greatest for U/us right now, but Master has become such an "old man." He's aged right before my eyes... becoming older and older with each passing day.

It's all so complicated...

I need Master to try harder. I need U/us to communicate. I need U/us to have some time together. I need Master to not just TELL me that He loves me but really SHOW me that He does. I need... Him.

I don't want to change Master. I fell in love with Him for who He is... but He's changed... W/we both have. I really feel as though He's really starting to give up on everything. And I don't know how to rescue Him. I honestly don't think I can. Unless He is willing to resuce Himself, there is really nothing I can do... and that breaks my heart.

Perhaps someday W/we can talk... really communicate.

<3 Master's lil one, Jade

Part 1

When Master and I fight, He normally gives me the cold shoulder. He doesn't talk to me, and He doesn't touch me. The funny thing is, that's not what bothers me the most.

The thing that bother's me the most is... I can't help Him. It's like, He wants to be mad... He wants to be grumpy. And He is the only person that can help Himself get over that. So, I have to sit by the sidelines and just wait for Him to get over it. Unless He wants help... unless He asks for help... there is absolutely nothing I can do.

We'll see what happens today...

<3 Master's lil one, Jade

The Snow and the Sick Man

Happy Valentine's Day everybody!

Things around here... are well... things. Master has been pretty sick with a really bad cough for a couple of weeks now and it's kept Him pretty much confined indoors. Thankfully, it seems as though it's starting to get better... little by little. I feel so bad for Him because there's not a damn thing I can do besides just love Him and make sure He doesn't run out of cough syrup.

We've gotten 2 big snow storms here in the last week... and it's made getting around the area very difficult. School's were delayed and closed pretty much all of last week... which means my paycheck is going to suck, but oh well... it's the safest thing for everybody. I think the final total for snowfall here was something like 36 inches... which is the largest amount of snow we've gotten in PA since 1996. AND we're supposed to get even more snow this coming week. Ug!

Because of the snow and all the school's closing (and being stuck at home as a result of that), Master and I have gotten to spend a little bit more time together. However, He still pretty much sits on WoW all day and play... thus, I sit on WoW all day and play so that I can be "with" Him even if W/we're not really doing anything together. I think today, though, Master is planning on taking me out to a nice Valentine's Day dinner... YAY! I'll just have to wait and see how He feels. If He's coughing up a storm, I'm going to suggest W/we stay indoors to avoid a backslide in His health. But ultimately, the decision is His.

Everything is going pretty well. It's not perfect... but W/we're working on it, and that's what really matters in the long run!

<3 Master's lil one, Jade

It's been awhile... again

Wow. I can't believe how long it's been since I wrote anything. A whole month has come and gone and I haven't written a single word! I can't believe I've been so remiss in my writing... maybe it's the reason I've been so off and "blah" the past few weeks.

Anywho...

Master and I celebrated O/our 2 year anniversary on January 26. And by celebrated I mean, I bought Him a card and He didn't say anything to me about it. I did, however, get some cuddle time with Master. W/we actually had His son that night... so I'm going to wager that's why nothing was done. C'est la vie. I'm actually kind of happy that Master didn't go "all out" for our anniversary. I'm not saying that I wouldn't have liked a card or something, but money is tight and W/we can't really afford it... which is the main reason I only bought Master a card. I just wish He would have at least said "Happy Anniversary." Oh well... Master is Master and He showed His love and affection in letting me cuddle with Him on the couch and fall asleep in His arms.

Master and I are also contemplating a move. With the economy the way that it is, W/we really can't afford the house... especially with Him not being able to find a job. Plus, things with the roommates (well, one in particular) are going slowly downhill, and Master said He would rather U/us all move and find O/our own places and preserve friendships than try to keep things the way they are and let the gap between U/us widen. I'm hoping that, if/when W/we move, W/we can put it off until the end of the school year. That way, the roommate's kid won't have to change schools and I won't have to take a whole lot of time off work at school (which is where my one client really needs me).

Overall, things are going well for Master and I. W/we have O/our moments... but then again, if W/we didn't have those moments, I would feel that something was wrong! I think the biggest problem for Master and I right now is that there is absolutely no playtime... zip... zilch... nada... none. *sigh* This is the way it's been pretty muh for forever. W/we currently live in a row home... which means that W/we have neighbors right on the other side of the wall. And as loud as I can get during just regular vanilla sex... yeah. :-P Aside from the economy and roommate conditions, this is one of the biggest reasons that W/we're contemplating a move. Master and I both need the playtime. Without it, I feel kind of lost. The pain... well, the best way of putting it is: It puts my head on straight.

Since the New Year, I have been doing a lot of thinking and soul searching. I have been trying really hard to not nag Master and do a better job as His submissive. I don't really think I'm doing too well though. I have a difficult time being able to verbalize my needs and wants to Master. I don't think that He really knows what I need, which is my fault and not His. I try, but I have always sucked with verbal communication. I am so much better at writing things out. Maybe I should try to write it all down someday? When I do talk to Master about the things that I need and want, it all comes out jumbled, and I don't really think that Master understands what I'm saying most of the time. Come to think of it, I'm not 100% sure of what Master wants either. Perhaps it is time (and actually past time) that W/we sit down and talk about what W/we want and need out of the lifestyle and from each other...

I suppose things in my life could be a lot worse. I have a roof over my head, food to eat, and a Master that loves me. I'm lucky that I have those things... I really am.

<3 Master's lil one, Jade