Wowzers

4 Days until Christmas!!!

Well, we're pretty much done with our Christmas shopping... finally! I can't believe how long we procrastinated this year. Usually, I'm the weird one that starts Christmas shopping at the end of September and is done by mid/end of November! lol I think we may have a few odds and ends left, but it's nothing major. Tomorrow starts the wrapping of the zillion and 1 presents we have sitting in a large pile in the other room! I'll be glad when Christmas day is here and everything will be unwrapped and everybody will ooooh and ahhh over what they received and I won't have to worry about picking out gifts for another 365 days! lol I love Christmas... I really do. But this year has been probably the singularly most stressful Christmas ever! lol

I work tomorrow at my "full-time" job and then I work my second job Thursday and Friday for a few hours in the morning. I just can't wait til Saturday... /sigh

Ok, now I need to help the man with his email crap. lol

<3 Jade

Epic Failure

12 Days until Christmas!

Ok, so my goal of making a post every day this month until Christmas epically failed. lol I kind of had a feeling that it would happen sooner or later... especially with having the kid almost every weekend this month. Oh well. I put up a good fight and I'm pretty proud of myself at how well I actually did for as long as I did!

Well, on another note, 2 class down... 2 to go (1 more day) until winter break. I'm just counting down the days until Friday. I mean, this weekend isn't going to be all too restful, but at least I won't have to worry about doing homework and whatever else come Sunday because I've been so blasted busy during the week and weekend.

For now, however, I shall be going to sleep and dreaming sweet dreams of Christmas!

<3 Jade

First Snow

15 Days until Christmas!!!

We had our first snow of the year today! :-) It wasn't much more than a dusting and it didn't fall for very long, but I can still see it on the grass and bushes and trees outside. It will probably melt away in a very short time... but still, I enjoy the snow. It makes me happy.

And now, I shall go to bed and dream of snow. :-D

<3 Jade

Nonsense

16 Days until Christmas!

So, I have decided that it needs to be next week like NOW! lol I'm having such a hard time waiting for my semester to be over. I only have 2 days (a grand total of 4 classes) left before winter break and I can't wait. I need a break. I need to be able to sleep and spend some time with my family and friends. Oh, and I can't forget that I need a massive amount of time to go SHOPPING since I haven't hardly gotten any Christmas presents yet! lol I'm usually not this bad when it comes to getting Christmas gifts, but we've been so broke this year that it's all I can do to just be able to afford gas and groceries! But things are starting to look up for us a little bit, and I know we'll be ok. It's less than 5 months until graduation and I'll be making more than twice as much as I'm making now. Gawd... all this money talk is making me so seriously depressed...

There was something that I wanted to write about the other day, but now I can't remember what it is. DOH! lol That's what I get for procrastinating I guess. I'll probably remember AFTER I publish this post tonight... which means I'll either have to edit the post or start a new one (and save it so that I can post it tomorrow instead of tonight). Oh well. C'est la vie. My brain is being sucked out of my head from lack of sleep and relaxation. I'm just excited that I'll be going to my mommy's to visit her in just a few short weeks. I haven't seen my mom since this summer and I can't wait to go... I love visiting her. :-)

Ok, I'm just rambling in non-nonsensical sequences of nothingness now. lol So I'm going to do 100 other things that I really should be doing right now!

<3 Jade

So Much...

17 Days until Christmas!

So much to write about... so little time. lol

Unfortunately, it's already after 10 p.m. and I have to be up early tomorrow. So, that being said, all my stuff is going to have to wait until another night! lol YAY for leaving everybody in suspense... hehe

<3 Jade

I'm Wishing...

18 Days until Christmas!

I am wishing for snow. However, there is a stipulation on that wish... it may NOT snow while I'm traveling either to or from Maryland and it may NOT snow while I'm traveling either to or from Pittsburgh during the Christmas holiday! lol I hate driving in the snow (though I also hate driving in the rain). I don't mind it being on the ground so much... I just don't like it falling from the sky when I'm traveling long distances!

And that, folks, is all. I hope to post something a little bit more substantial one of these days. But it's the end of the semester and I'm exhausted. lol

<3 Jade

His Domination

19 Days until Christmas!

I have decided something... something a little bit silly to many but quite profound to me...

I am an extremely happy girl the day after the man takes control of me. *ahem* And by that I mean he does the whole "dominating" thing. It wasn't much last night, but it was enough to get me through today. If I didn't have a smile on my lips and a song in my heart all day that I could trace back to last night, then I would know that the whole lifestyle thing isn't for me. But because I was in a good mood all day and kept thinking about last night, it means something HUGE to me.

I enjoyed last night thoroughly. :-D I'm a little bruised up, but I enjoy looking at my "battle scars." lol I'm not really sore, though if I honestly ask myself, I've been aching for more. I hate the long periods of sedentary time between our little bouts of kink. It's driving me nuts... but at the same time, I understand why. It's hard to get into any type of scene when you live in the basement of your father's house and you never know when he may pop in (though he's rarely here... he really mostly lives at his fiance's house). It's complicated... so I take what I can get and love every moment of it.

Now, I think I may go relax in bed (since I got out of class early) and dream sweet dreams of his domination...

<3 Jade

Christmas and more Christmas

20 Days until Christmas!

We did a bit more Christmas shopping today. However, we still have so many gifts to buy... it's ridiculous. Although I love having a big family, it's a pain during Christmas time because it's like 100 presents later and you're still not close to being done! lol Oh well. It would help, though, if my mother would get back to me about what my youngest sister and brother want this year. They're still young enough that their interests change about every 5 milli-seconds! Unfortunately, it's going to be hard to get any shopping done the next few weekends because we have the man's son next weekend and the weekend after that we're going to visit his mom to celebrate her birthday with the family. So, I have a distinct feeling that the week before Christmas is going to be full of shopping and running around like chickens with our heads cut off! lol

Right now, I am waiting on my laundry to finish up and then I'm going to take a shower... so I'm going to leave it here for the night.

<3 Jade

A Little Here and a Little There

21 Days until Christmas!

So, we did just a bit of Christmas shopping tonight. It's depressing, really... looking at prices and having to scrutinize every little thing in order to decide what to buy and what not to buy because you're so broke that you can literally see the black hole that was once your bank account. /sigh

But anywho... at least we have a few things picked up now. And maybe we'll hit up a few more stores tomorrow. We can't spend too much, though, until I get my next paycheck and even then it's going to be tight. It is what it is and I can't change it. I'm just doing the best I can with what we have and I'm learning to be ok with it because it WILL eventually change... once I graduate! lol

For now, I think I'm going to go chill out and read and eventually pass out.

<3 Jade

Proud of Me

22 Days until Christmas!

I am quite proud of myself tonight. I finished almost all of my homework (except for 1 thing, but I can't do that until the document is emailed to me) AND my paperwork! :-D YAY for a relatively homework/work-free weekend!

I don't know what I'm going to do with myself. I'm going to actually have time to relax this weekend... it's going to be so freaking weird. AND we don't have the kid... so it's not like I'm going to be bombarded with 100 questions every 30 seconds! lol

Perhaps I will actually feel rested at the end of this weekend instead of completely and utterly exhausted! Only 2 more weeks until the semester is over... I can't believe how quickly everything is flying by right now. I only have like 4 months until graduation and I will have my MSW... it seems like I've barely graduated from college. Damn... I AM educated! lol

There's so much I could say right now, but I'm going to end this on a cheerful note (instead of a somewhat gloomy and depressing one). Perhaps next time...

<3 Jade

Nothing to Say

23 Days until Christmas!

So, I really have nothing to say today... so this shall be my blog for the night.

Pathetic, really.

<3 Jade

A Thought-Provoking Event

24 Days til Christmas

It is my goal this month to post a new blog every day until Christmas. Why am I making this my goal, you may be asking yourself. Well, I've decided that I have been much happier since I started blogging (more regularly) again and getting all of my thoughts and feelings out of my head and into something tangible I can understand. Plus, it makes for a nice little countdown of the days until Christmas (which I look forward to every year... even though we're broke and really can't afford Christmas presents for anybody this year).

So, anywho... onto the topic of tonight's blog...

For those who don't know, I have a part-time job in retail. So, Black Friday being the biggest shopping day of the year, I had to work a 12 hour shift (3 a.m. until 3 p.m.) at my store. Well, I was at the jewelry counter, which just so happens to be right by the main door, when I see these people walk in that were stereotypically "gothed" out in their choice of clothes. The girls were in corset-style tops and extremely short, school-girl style plaid skirts (like, short enough to see their butt cheeks hanging out from the bottom of the skirts) and the guys were in baggy black pants with chains. But the most noticeable was the black studded leashes attached to the collars around the guys' necks that lead into the girls' hands (yes, we're talking the atypically seen male subs and female Dommes). The one guy had his hands handcuffed behind his back and then cuffed to the back belt loop of his pants. The other guy, although he had handcuffs around his wrist, had his hands free and hanging down by his side. Then, when they girls were paying for their stuff, the guys knelt on the floor by the register until they were done. Once the transaction was completed, the girls tugged on the leashes and said "Up. Come." and the guys did... and followed them out of the store.

Of course, this became a major hot-topic during the entire day of Black Friday among all of the employees. A lot of people thought it was done on a dare (because, really, there are people out there that would do something like that just in order to get a reaction out of people), but I can't see it being a dare because the couples were in their 30's-ish. If they had been 18-19 year olds, I could have seen it... but not at the age of 30 or so.

Personally, I don't give a flying fuck what type of lifestyle people want to live (duh). However, this event really disturbed a lot of people at work. A lot of my co-workers that are my age had the attitude of "live how you want, just don't bring it here," but a lot of the older ones were just downright disgusted by it. And honestly, I can see the point-of-view of both groups of people. After I was done working, I had a brief conversation with the man about this, and he was all gung-ho about it... with the attitude of "if this country wasn't so ass-puckered..." (yes, those were his exact words). I can see his side of it too though. Society is still so stuck up today that anything that deviates from the "norm" is considered heinous and improper. Too many people still don't want to consider that there are different lifestyle choices and that we are all free to make whatever lifestyle choice we want.

However, I have a BIG problem with people flaunting their choices and being downright inconsiderate of other people. I have always been that way... ever since I can remember. It is my personal belief that you can be whoever you want to be and still have tact and respect for other people. I suppose part of it is my social worker side talking when I think about the impact an event like that can have on children and people who may have been abused. For goodness sakes, it's a place where families go and take their children. Yes, I think that parents have the duty to speak to their children about things like this and inform them about all the differences in the world, but at the same time, I don't think that people should flaunt their lifestyle differences in front of other people. There has to be give and take on BOTH sides... not just one side or the other.

It's like... I don't want to see a homosexual couple with their tongues down each others' throats in the middle of the mall just the same as I don't want to see a heterosexual couple with their tongues down each others; throats in the middle of the mall. I don't discriminate on the two-tongue-tango based on sexuality... it's all the same to me. Sorry, I do NOT want to see it in a public place. It's rude, inconsiderate, and just down right tacky. The event that occurred on Black Friday falls into the same category. Be tactful and respectful of others when you're in public. Period.

I even talked to my mom about it (who has similar lifestyle tastes lol), and she is in full agreement with me. There are some aspects of the BDSM lifestyle that you can take out into public... but black studded leashes and inappropriate dress is NOT one (or, really, two) of them.

So, I am going to open it up for all to speak their minds on the subject. Leave a comment and tell me what you think... and NO bashing others' opinions. We all have a right to have our own thoughts and peacefully speak our minds.

And now, I am going to bed to continually ponder this event (as I have been doing every day since last Friday...). lol

<3 Jade

Happy Thanksgiving

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!

Yes, I know... I know... I know. I'm a few days late on posting this, but things here have been even more crazy than normal! My sisters came in Tuesday night and we (and by "we" I mean my dad, his fiance, my 2 sisters, the man, his son, and I- yes that makes 7 of us) went to see "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part I." And it was FANTASTIC! I'm definitely much more psyched about this movie than I was about number 6 (I was very disappointed in Half-blood Prince... it was not what I had expected it to be at all). Then, Wednesday, I went to work for 4 hours and then came home and cooked with my sister for 8 hours to prep for Thanksgiving dinner. On Thursday I woke up at the ass-crack of dawn and got myself, the man, his son, and my 2 sister's ready to visit my grandparents... then drove 2 hours to my grandparent's house, had Thanksgiving dinner, cleaned up, visited a little bit and then left and drove 2 hours back home. Once home, we unloaded and my sisters packed and took off took off to head back home... and I did my paperwork and packed for the weekend. When I finally went to bed, I ended up getting between 1 and 2 hours of sleep before waking up Friday morning and working Black Friday (3 a.m. to 3 a.m. woot... NOT). Then I drove home, finished packing, and we took off to visit the man's family in Maryland. I helped his mom with the kids (she had 4 of her grandsons there, including the man's son)... fed them and got them to bed. And finally got to pass out around 2 a.m. (they didn't go to sleep until well after midnight). Then I woke up Saturday morning fairly early and got myself ready to go get some grocery shopping done. The man and I went grocery shopping after his brother picked up his 2 sons... and then came home and I took about an hour nap. During this time, the man's cousin showed up with her daughter... I woke up and cooked dinner for all of us and then cleaned up. We played a few games (which was fun)... and then got the kid into bed around 11:30. I passed out somewhere between 12 and 12:30. Then I woke up this morning, packed our stuff, cleaned the room we sleep in, emptied the dishwasher, reloaded the dishwasher, and then helped load the car. I napped for about an hour on the way home... and then went and did an hour presentation on health insurance at my internship. After I got home from that, I finished tearing apart the turkey from Thanksgiving, warmed up leftover pasta for the kid so he could eat, and did my homework. Then my dad and his fiance showed up and we chatted for about 15 minutes or so... once they left I gave the kid a bath and now he's in bed (I'm hoping that he is already asleep because he was up late the past 2 nights and didn't really get to sleep in too late).

So, I hope everybody had a wonderful Thanksgiving. I'm now going to crawl into bed and pass out because tomorrow I am back to the daily grind.

<3 Jade

A Strange Thought

I am so addicted to Eminem's song "Not Afraid." It's probably one of my top all-time favorite songs. To be completely honest, I've always been a bit of a fan of Eminem... his music got me through a lot when I was in high school. I wasn't a hard-core Eminem fan or anything... I just liked his music. It has a great beat and the lyrics are just really speak to me (even with all the cursing and anger behind them). But this song is so un-Eminem that I just can't over it. Instead of being negative and angry and whatever it's almost uplifting and positive.

I know... those are 2 words most people would never associate Eminem's music with... but for some reason, this song is really inspiring to me. I'm just tired of societal rules and having my life constantly conflict with what the world thinks I should be and do and say and whatever else. I just want to be ME. I'm tired of hiding behind the allure of professionalism and strict policies and regulations that have their constricting arms squeezing the life out of my little by little. I've felt like this almost all my life... like I need to break out and be who I was meant to be. But there's always something that has stopped me. There has always been something that has kept me from being who I really am.

It's frustrating to the n-th degree. I'm so conflicted. I don't want to let my family down, but at the same time, I don't want to let ME down. How do I make everybody happy? Really, I can't... and I know that. But I have to decide what's more important... making everybody else happy or making me happy.

I am stubborn. I am opinionated. I am rebellious. I am bratty. I am loud. I am obnoxious.

I like tattoos. I like piercings.

There's so much about me that I hold back. I've done little things... multiple piercings in my ears and one in my nose and 2 tattoos. But at the same time, every single time I get something else done, I get the looks from my family (well, my dad's side) that say "Hey, you're letting us down." and it makes me feel so guilty sometimes. I want to get more piercings. I want to get more tattoos. But I don't want to hurt anybody.

I'm being pulled in about 20 different directions.

Which way do I go?

I think I shall continue to listen to my song another 50 times and then go to bed. Another long-ish day tomorrow.

<3 Jade

All the Gross Stuff

Sometimes I really hate being female.

It's an icky, yucky feeling every single time the wonderful visitor of the month arrives. UG! And mine is always so heavy that I'm anemic within hours of starting, and I'm just absolutely exhausted. Even typing takes physical strength that I don't have. My mental capacity drops to about -100 and I can't focus on even the simplest of tasks. And to make it worse, I know I'm a hormonal wreck when I'm like this. Blah blah yucky yuck yuck.

Right now, I'd like to just lay down and cuddle. I swear, I'm like a 5 year old little girl stuck in the body of a 25 year old woman the first few days my visitor is here. I just want to have my back rubbed and my hair stroked as I fall asleep. Don't get me wrong... I love those things anyways. But the want and need to have them is so much stronger when I'm losing blood at the rate of like 100 liters per hour.

I have so much homework to do. I have an online assignment that's due Friday (which should take me all of 10-15 minutes to complete) and I have a 12-15 page term paper on Methadone maintenance due on Monday. I'm really looking forward to Thanksgiving... but working in retail on Black Friday is going to kill me if this stupid little visitor isn't gone (or at least almost gone) by then. I have to be at my job at 2:45 a.m. the day after Thanksgiving (because we open at 3) for all the pushy, bitchy little jerks who are seriously sleep deprived because they think that going shopping at 3 a.m. is a good idea. Whoever invented "Black Friday" needs to be beaten with their own idea!!! lol

Ok, I'm going to stop complaining now... because nobody wants to ready about the grossness that is my body right now anyhow!

<3 Jade

My Special Day

Happy Birthday to meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!

I have now lived for exactly 1/4 of a century... 25 years young and loving it!!

Today was a good day... albeit extremely busy. I had work and then my internship... and then class tonight. I had multiple people singing to me (which was quite humorous in and of itself), and I couldn't help but smile. Overall, it's been a pretty great birthday.

As for last night... it wasn't quite the "typical" night I had assumed it was going to be. Hehe. :-P It was absolutely fun and one of the best nights ever. I'm a little bit bruised... a little bit used... and EXTREMELY and totally happy. There's a lot to write about last night... a lot of things to ponder and think about. However, I think I shall leave that for another day and time.

I am very tired (but then again, when am I not tired these days?). So, now I think I am going to crash... my pillow looks so inviting.

Today started out fantastic... so I think that 25 is going to be a pretty awesome year!

<3 Jade

Tomorrow

Tomorrow is a very special day for me.

Tomorrow, I will be one-quarter of a century young.

Yes, tomorrow is my 25th birthday.

However, tomorrow will be, yet again, another long, hectic Monday. I have work from 7:30 until 10:30. Then I go to my internship from 11 until 4. Then I have class from 5 until 9ish. All of this means that I will be leaving my house around 7 a.m. and not returning until about 10 p.m. Wee. :-( Now, knowing my family, my phone will be ringing off the hook with phone calls and text messages wishing me a happy birthday... but it still won't be the same. I won't be home, and I'll be so blasted busy that when I finally get home, I'll give the man a kiss and a quick cuddle and then promptly fall into bed... completely and totally physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted.

We did the pre-birthday celebration thing last night with my dad, his girlfriend, her son, the man, and his son. My dad took us out to The Olive Garden (my all-time favorite restaurant... I LOVE Italian food) and I got to open my presents, and then we came back to the house and had ice cream cake (my all time favorite cake... not the biggest fan of regular old cake) and a little bit of family time. It was nice. It really was. My dad, despite all of his flaws, has always tried to make my birthday special for me and I really appreciate that.

It's just, I'm a little down right now. Knowing how much I have to do tomorrow and that the man and I won't really be able to spend any quality one-on-one time... well, it's kind of disappointing. It's not like we'd really get to do much tomorrow anyways. We're broke and can't afford to do much of anything right now... plus, his back is really bothering him today (go figure). I was hoping that we could celebrate tonight... do something... just the two of us. But I just don't see it happening. Don't get me wrong, I appreciated and loved my family birthday yesterday. But at the same time, I'd like to have a little time with just him because we really get so little of it. Even if we do something at home... or something. :-P But we'll probably do what we always do after we drop his son back off at his mom's... come home, eat leftovers, watch a movie and/or play our computer game.

I sense another completely typical night. /sigh

Oh well. C'est la vie. Life rolls on.

And now, I need to go switch the laundry.

Perhaps I'll do some baking as well. I'm in need of a little pick-me up.

<3 Jade

A Letter

And these are my deepest thoughts as of late... in the best (and really only) way I know how to truly express them.

***

My dearest love;

I can't help but think about us as of late. Who we are alone... who we are together. I love our life together. The ups and the downs have made us both stronger, individually and together. And yet, I can't help but feel as though something is missing. It's almost as if there is a part, a vital part, that is lacking. I know we talked a lot last night about everything... so it may seem a little redundant right now, but please bear with me as I try to explain the whirling, chaotic thoughts of my mind.

I want nothing more than to see you happy. I hate it when you're down in the dumps... depressed and angry because everything seems to be going wrong. I feel so helpless when I see you like that, and I hate not being able to help. I'm a fixer. It's what I do... I fix everybody else and everybody else's problems. So, to be able to do nothing throws my world out of control. The spinning, roaring vortex of feelings rage inside of me are almost incomprehensible. I grasp at straws... trying to do something more than just feeling as though I'm being sucked into a world of despair. When I'm so out of control like that, I take control. I have to right my life again before I land on my head.

Honestly, I don't like being in control. Oh yes. You know me well enough to wonder why I'm always fighting to stay in control if I hate being in control. It's simple. I'm afraid. I'm afraid of what is going to happen if I give up that control. I've had to be in control for so long... but I'm tired now. I'm oh so very tired. I don't want to have to be so strong... I don't want to have to make so many decisions. I'm exhausted every single day of my life because I'm fighting to so hard to stay in control. I don't want to be tired anymore.

I guess what I'm trying to say is...

I'm ready.

I want to be yours again. I want to feel like I belong to you and only to you. I need you to be stronger than me... I need you to take control. I will probably fight you sometimes, but I need you to fight back... fight back and be stronger than me. Punish me when I make poor choices and have poor behaviors. Reward me when I make good choices and have good behaviors. Make me follow your rules and bend to your will. Use me however you wish. Push my limits. Test the waters. I want it. I miss it.

If you will have me... then I will be yours again.

Just promise me one thing...

No matter where we go or what we do...

Never, ever stop loving me.

I love you with everything I am. Heart... soul... mind... body.

I am yours.

The next move is yours.

All my love,
Yesterday,
Today,
Tomorrow,
For eternity,
<3 Jade

Shut Down

I want to write... but I don't know what to write.

Everything is all swirling up in my brain, like a Kansas twister tearing up a long picket fence. I can see bits and pieces of it spinning around and around inside the dark vortex, but it's fairly useless to try and grab at it because all it does is suck me up into the giant, swirling mass of dark matter. And then there I am, spinning around and around, faster and faster and faster, until I am so sick that I plummet back to Earth at the speed of light.

Well, at least we know that I can still use metaphors and similes. lol

But seriously...

Right now I am so frustrated with school. Generally speaking, I am a fairly intelligent woman. If you look at my grades, you would think that I either work my butt off or am a natural-born student. In my case, it's a little bit of both. Some subjects come a little bit easier than others, but I suppose that's really how it is for everybody (with the exception of those select-few geniuses that drive the rest of the world crazy).

However, I have one professor that is just driving me up a wall. I'm not doing too well in her class, and I hate the fact that I'm struggling this much. It's not for lack of trying to wanting to do well... it's a complete lack of understanding the subject matter. AND the fact that she is NOT teaching us anything at all related to the assignments we're given. I've spoken with a number of my classmates and they all feel the same way. It's like we're given an assignment and then shoved out the door... no explanations or anything. I just can't help but feel like I'm being pulled in multiple directions emotionally. On one hand, I can't help but think "why bother... I'm too stupid to do this." But on the other hand, I keep thinking "um, excuse me... you're the professor... please TEACH ME!" I'm sorry, but I'm not paying thousands of dollars a semester for this shit.

Last night I was pretty upset... and by "pretty upset" I mean I was about ready to smash my head through a brick wall. And right now, I can feel myself just shutting down. I want to cry... I want to scream... I want to sleep... I want to... cut. And that's the worst part. I really want to hurt myself. I won't... but I want to. It's not right for a class to be doing this to me... it's not right for me to be feeling this way because of ONE teacher.

I'm so angry. I'm so frustrated. I'm so depressed.

I haven't felt this way in a long long long loooooooooooooooong time.

I need to do something. I need to get away. I need to get out of here before I lose myself... before I lose my senses.

Before I just shut down.

Maybe I need something that I just can't put my finger on to get me through all of this... maybe. I don't know.

Gah.

<3 Jade

Happy Halloween

Happy Halloween!!!

I love holidays. I hate when people ask me the question "What is your favorite holiday?" because I seriously love them all and it's impossible for me to pick just one as my favorite. They are all so different and it's that uniqueness that makes me fall in love over and over again each and every year.

Halloween is different from every other holiday (at least in my opinion) because there is inexplicable energy surrounding it. I can't really describe it... all I know is that it fills me with this feeling of strength and power. It may sound corny to some, but it is what it is and I don't care.

The unfortunate truth is, however, that Halloween is now over, and I must make my way to finding sleep (or rather, letting it find me). I am still not at 100% from being sick with the pneumonia. I still cough and I tire really easily. So, in hopes of being ok for all that I have to do tomorrow, I'm going to get a good night's rest.

<3 Jade

Old Sick and New Sick...

Well, as much as I hate going to the doctor's, I called out of all my normal Monday activities and made a doctor's appointment for this afternoon (much to my chagrin) and had the boyfriend drive me down there. Aside from getting us a wee bit turned around (my brain is somewhat fried), it wasn't too bad of a trip or anything. I suppose it's a good thing that I went because I am not on antibiotics and steroids for bronchitis/pneumonia. Basically, the doctor said that the only real way she could tell it was pneumonia is by having me get a chest x-ray... but we're not doing that because it costs more money (that we don't have). So we're treating it like pneumonia... it's even circled on my medical chart as pneumonia. I suppose that means there's fluid in my lungs and inflammation and whatever other crap comes with pneumonia. Wonder-friggin-ful.

The worst part is, the man is now sniffing and coughing like I was during the first few days I had this cold-thing. I'm hoping that his just stays a cold and doesn't turn into bronchitis or pneumonia because he doesn't have health insurance, and I know he's going to be freaking out about going and getting checked out because we don't have the money and blah blah blah (especially since I'm missing out on work right now). But at the same time, he can't just go on and be sick forever without getting it checked out. I think we'll ride it out for a few days, and if he's not better soon, I'll drag his happy ass to the doctor's.

My entries have gotten rather dry and boring as of late, I know. And I don't post nearly as much as I used to. Really, it's just that I don't have time... or anything to post about these days. Right now, I'm getting into the "winter blues" mode that seems to possess my mind and body every year. I absolutely love the winter and the fall, but at the same time, there's something about it that really like sticks into me like a knife. Perhaps it's the lack of daylight... perhaps it's the not having any time to be outdoors during my favorite seasons... perhaps it's a myriad of crap, most of which I can't think of right now because I'm sick.

I dunno. Maybe I'm just sleepy... sickly and sleepy... weeeeeeeeeeeee. /dances around like a psychotic monkey. lol Yeah, I'm a little loopy...

<3 Jade

On being Sick and Other Stuff

I am sick.

And not just the stuffy/runny nose, obnoxious cough type of sick either.

I have the 101 degree fever, sweating while shivering, coughing so hard that I can't breathe, throat so sore that I can't speak type of sick.

I have so much homework to do... and yet I spent most of my day sleeping. I got the things done that were due today and tomorrow, but otherwise I have gotten nothing accomplished.

Perhaps I pushed myself too hard this weekend. I started feeling sick on Friday... and I went to Hershey Park with a good friend of mine (which I do NOT regret). And then I went to that same good friend's wedding Saturday night (which I also do NOT regret). I had a blast this weekend... I just hate that I was so sick for all of it. Unfortunately, I also know that doing all the things that I did this weekend only caused me to get sicker... however, I wouldn't change any of it for the world.

Right now, a certain mister man is grumping at me to go see my doctor tomorrow. lol I think he's worried I'm going to get really sick. Since I had pneumonia this summer, he's been super worried every time I even start to cough (even when I know it's only my allergies). I have asthma and I'm a smoker on top of it (yes, I know... I shouldn't smoke especially because I have asthma... so on and so forth)... so my lungs are very fragile to begin with and coughing this hard only means bad crap for me.

I spoke with my mom on the phone tonight and she said I've always gotten really sick whenever I get sick. She said it's not unusual for me to spike a high temperature with even the smallest of colds. Maybe I have a crappy immune system or something... I don't know. All I knows is, I'm sitting here writing and I feel like I need to fall over and go back to sleep (not that I haven't done that all day).

On a different note, the man has a job interview tomorrow. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that all goes well. If it does and he gets a job, even if it's a crappy minimum wage part-time job, I won't be under so much stress. I know that I do a lot... and I know that he knows it too. I think that's part of reason he's so grumpy all the time. He's bored, sitting at home (alone) so much of the time while I'm out working or at school. I can't wait until May... when I graduate and I can work 1 job instead of 2 and I don't have to worry about school. I'll be home so much more... and he'll get sick and tired of me! lol

Well, now that I've successfully rambled incoherently for a little while, I'm going to pop in a movie and lay down... hopefully to pass out soon and get a decent night's rest.

<3 Jade

Good-bye Summer... Hello Fall

So... generally speaking, Fall is my favorite season of the year. I love the crisp, cool feel and sharp smell of the air. I love taking a long drive on a Sunday around the country just to look at all the leaves on the trees changing colors. I love Halloween and Thanksgiving. I love the smell of smokey wood as people start burning and using their fireplaces. I love seeing the oranges, greens, and yellows in nearby fields as the pumpkins and squash begin to come into season. Really, I just love everything about Fall.

Most years, I know that Fall is coming and I celebrate the day with vigor and pep. This year, however, I didn't even realize that it was the first day of Fall until the day was almost over. And even then, I basically fell into bed and went right to sleep when I got home. Usually, I will sit outside, even for just 10 minutes, and all my senses go wild with just the thought that Autumn is finally here. I can smell it, I can taste it, I can hear it, I can see it and I can feel it. Every fiber of my being rejoices. Some people may say I'm a bit obsessed with it... but this season does something to me that I can't really explain.

I feel as though I'm missing something this year. With 2 jobs, school full-time, and a 20 hour per week internship (not to mention homework and taking care of my little family), I hardly have enough time to eat and sleep properly... much less take enjoyment in the little things I so desperately crave. There's a part of me that has been left behind... a part of me that is so go-go-go that I don't dare stop to glance at the clock for fear that it will all fall apart and I will be left standing with nothing.

Perhaps that's why I'm craving the simple act of touch and pressure so much more these days. I've always been slightly weird with needing a good bear-hug to calm me down. As I've worked more and more with kids who have Autism, I have realized that everybody has sensory needs. People jostle and bounce their legs... others fiddle with objects... many people bite their nails (which, yes, I do and it drives a certain somebody crazy lol). But really, nothing calms me and makes me feel better than a big squeeze... that lasts more than 5 seconds.

I do, however, think that my love of pressure and squeezes comes from more than just a sensory need. The man and I have been talking about the lifestyle more and more again lately... and we're starting to put a little bit of kink back into things. Not that we're living the lifestyle again yet... far from it. But we're talking about things and doing things. I guess it's almost like 2 virgins getting their feet wet to see what they like and don't like... etc etc etc. Over the last few weeks, I've revealed to him things that I wasn't 100% sure about myself until I really started thinking about them and my needs/wants/desires.

To put it very bluntly... I like restraints. I like the ideas of being tied down (or tied up), cages, chains, ropes and all those lovely things. I don't like crowded areas (with lots of people) but the idea of being in a decently sized cage or tied up is actually quite appealing to me. For some reason, it's calming... it puts my head on straight. It makes me feel safe. Sometimes I think I'm weird for being this way, but then I think... hey, we're all just a little bit weird in our own, unique way. I don't quite understand why it is that I like what I like... all I know is that I like it. Maybe that should be enough for me, to know what I like/don't like, but to be completely honest, part of me wants to know why. I guess I'm just a "why why why" type of person. I always want to know the ins and outs of everything.

But I digress.

The one thing that the man and I haven't really discussed is the prospect of, assuming that we ever really get back into the lifestyle (which we both have agreed that we would like to do), the one thing that I'd really like to kind of try. I know that it's not uncommon (though I don't know how many have tried it/do it regularly), but I'm not sure how it would work for the dynamics of our life. For awhile now I have had this urge to be cuffed to the bed at night. Unfortunately, for three distinct reasons, I'm not sure it would ever work. First and foremost, I get up before the man pretty much 99.99% of the time. Secondly, when we have his son on the weekends, I'm usually the first one up when he comes into our room to wake us. And finally, I am always dehydrated, so I tend to drink a lot... which makes for random bathroom trips in the middle of the night or a rush to the bathroom first thing in the morning. In my mind, all of these things together make it very unlikely that a chain and cuff for me would ever actually happen. He could chain me at night, but I would have to have access to the key and permission to unlock myself in the mornings (or middle of the night if I have to go to the bathroom) to go to work. Plus, it doesn't help that the dog sleeps on my side of the bed... so a chain would just hit her all night (which would not be very nice). Unless somebody knows something I don't about all of this, I just don't ever see it happening... which saddens me greatly.

Well... this has gone on long enough and it's waaaaaaaaaaay past my beddie-bye time (seeing as I, as per usual, have to be up early for staff meeting/internship/work).

I have much to ponder and very little time to ponder it...

<3 Jade

Bed-time Ramblings

Wow... it's been a loooooooooooooooong time since I wrote anything. I hadn't really realized just how long it was until I logged in tonight (YAY for still remembering my user ID and password lol). Whoops!

Yes, I am still living. Or am I?

If you call surviving my insane, chaotic life "living"... then yes, I am still living. lol Really, I'm basically making it one day at a time right now.

School is back in session... 3 weeks into the semester and I feel as though I haven't done a damn thing. Actually, I looked at my schedule of assignments (that the oh so organized me typed up the minute I had all my syllabi) tonight during my classes and realized just how close due dates are and just how much work I'm going to have to do over the next few days just to get it all done and turned in on time. I suppose the first 3 weeks were the "ease back into the swing of school" weeks compared to the next 3 months that are lurking right around the corner.

Other than school, things in general are going pretty ok right now. Still broke as ever... but I'm going to assume that it's going to be that way until I graduate and get a decent paying full-time job. And even then, I know I'm never going to be "rich" or even "well-to-do." Don't get me wrong, I love the career path I choose... I just wish money weren't the root of everything in this world. Ug. I just shouldn't even get started on the subject...

Things with the man and I are going well. He's currently sitting right here (/points) playing on his computer. We're still not "in" the "lifestyle" but we've been talking about it more again. Not exactly sure how and why the subject came up, but it really has been on my mind quite a bit lately. Perhaps I'm just in need of some "security," per say. All in all, the vanilla world hasn't been too bad. It's felt pretty good, to be completely honest, to have the stress of needing to be "perfect" for him off my back while everything is going on with us right now. However, in a strange sort of way, I miss it. Really, we're just taking it day by day... week by week... playing things by ear and adding a little (and when I say little, I do mean little) bit of kink here and there. Personally, I think that our conversations about it have made me think about it more and made me a bit more comfortable with the whole idea of going back to it at some point. But that's down the road after graduate.

Really, I should be going to bed now... being up at 5:30 a.m. 5 days a week is really starting to kill me. I am SO not a morning person...

<3 Jade

**Wow... I just re-read this and realized how dysfunctional and disorganized it really is! Oh well... it's past my bed-time and I'm just rambling to wind down. lol Go figure.

And Ending... And a New Beginning

Master and I have decided to put aside the D/s lifestyle for a little while.

I suppose that means I shouldn't refer to Him as Master anymore... or use capitalization and all that jazz.

We are still together and very much in love... but we've decided that with our current situation and all the things going on in our lives, we haven't been properly living the lifestyle for some time now and that it is time to put it away for a little while. That doesn't mean we won't go back to it sometime and that doesn't mean our newly "vanilla" lifestyle won't have some kink to it... it just means that instead of certain "power" dynamics being there, we will be equal on all levels I suppose.

This isn't something that he and I decided on lightly... or something that he and I had thought too much about in truth. Something happened between us, and I was wounded pretty badly. Not physically... but emotionally. It didn't feel right to me and I wasn't ready... and he even said that it didn't feel right to him either. I was feeling as though I could never be the girl he needed and wanted, and he said that he was tired of hurting me because I AM the girl he needs and wants.

I suppose it all boils down to one simple word... Love.

He loves me too much to lose me. So, he is willing to me a huge sacrifice in order to keep me because, in his own words, he would rather be vanilla and have me than be D/s and lose me.

In our quest for a new beginning, there is an end. But the beginning that we have found together is wonderful. We are working as a team... he is giving a little and I am giving a little and there is compromise and sacrifice and communication and knowledge on both sides.

I will be keeping this open and updating as much as I do now (which I know isn't a lot).

I love him more every day... every hour... every minute.

Perhaps one day we can try the D/s lifestyle again... but for now, it's not right for us. There is too much other stuff going on in our world and I can't be the submissive he needs and wants and he can't be the dominant I need and want. BUT... we have each other and we have love.

It sounds somewhat like a sappy, poorly written romance novel, but it's true.

Love will find a way.

<3 Jade

One of THOSE days

It's just been one of those days...

Aimless... listless... sad... happy... frustrated... lost... confused... worried...

Just some of the feelings coursing through my mind and heart right now.

Perhaps I'm too selfless?

Perhaps I'm too selfish?

I don't know what it is... all I know is that it's killing me inside. It's ripping me apart from the inside out and it hurts like crazy.

I feel as though I'm wandering alone... lost in a forest with no moon to light my path.

I'm waiting... waiting for someone to come lead me from the thick, heavy darkness that sometimes to be all consuming.

Won't somebody come find me?

Won't somebody hold me tight?

I don't want riches or glitz or glamour.

I don't want perfection or dreams.

I have my dreams... I have my wants and my needs.

Yet, I am realistic and I know that I will not always get everything that I want... that my dreams will not always come true.

But what I want I always thought would be obtainable.

I'm so torn... torn into so many pieces that no matter how many things fall into place I always feel as though I'm missing something.

I don't want to be the one who's never satisfied with she has... yet, I don't want to settle for less than the best.

It's just been one of those days...

For thinking...

For fighting...

For needing to be held...

For holding someone...

For wanting...

For frustration...

For love...

For happiness...

For sadness...

For...

Life.

<3 Master's lil one, Jade

Speedy Quick...

So...

Time for a speedy quick blog before plopping my butt in bed and crashing out for the night...

School is officially over for the summer. Final grades are in... all 3 classes = A. I'm pretty psyched. I honestly wasn't sure I'd do that well with working 2 jobs and being in school for my MSW (which means massive paper writing) on top of juggling a family life. So, for me to be able to pull off A's in all 3 of my courses was really worth the 6 weeks of complete and total lack of sleep! I think my body is still trying to catch up for all the nights where I got 4-5 (or less) hours of sleep because I was up doing discussion boards and research and writing papers. Even though I am still working 2 jobs and going nuts, I feel as though my workload is insanely light. Even though Friday was my last day of school, I have felt myself almost in a state of panic and wandering around aimlessly for a few minutes wondering what to do with myself. It's pretty funny actually. By the time I get back into the swing of no school, it will be fall and I'll need to get back into the swing of having school. It'll be so worth it in the long run... when I graduate in May with my MSW and be well on my way.

On a totally different note...

Master and I just celebrated (and by celebrated I really mean did actually nothing other than mention it in a 5 minute conversation) O/our 2-year anniversary (of being collared to Him). It's all weird trying to remember 2 seperate "anniversaries" even though W/we really don't celebrate either one. If Master and I had more money, I would suggest that W/we go out to eat somewhere to celebrate both the anniversary and my school grades, but W/we don't have the money. So I suppose I'll settle for some cuddle time... which means He'll sit and poke me and be all goofy while I'm attemping to cuddle with Him. Oh well. C'est la vie... life goes on and at least I get a little bit of time with Him.

Really, things are going pretty ok for U/us. There's a lot of crap that W/we're dealing with right now, but W/we have each O/other and that's really what matters most to me. I have Him... He has me... and there's a lot of love between U/us. I know I have my childish fits and meltdowns, but usually it's a compilation of things ending with something He said or did that I took the completely wrong way and I just freaked out. I suppose part of that is just stress leaking out to give me a little relief. Master and I rarely fight... so perhaps it's good that W/we have a little spat now and again (even if it is usually just me blowing off steam).

For now, however, I am going to go face first into bed and barely get myself situated before passing out until my alarm rudely awakens me in the morning. lol

<3 Master's lil one, Jade

Beyond...

So, life is beyond crazy right now... beyond hectic... beyond insane.

I am now back in school full-time to get my MSW (Master's of Social Work). I started a little over 2 weeks ago, and homework is officially eating my soul. I have so much reading to do it's ridiculous... on top of paper's... on top of discussion boards (the class is half online, half face-to-face)... on top of quizzes... on top of projects/presentations... and I think you get the point.

I'm working 2 jobs and going to school full-time...

Yeah, I have NO life. /sigh

Other than being so insanly busy, everything else is going alright. Master and I are getting on pretty well... He's been a HUGE help ever since I started back at school. I really can't complain at how much He's taken on and how much He's doing without me even having to ask for help. It's been sweet... especially since I'm falling asleep as I'm laying my head on the pillow most nights.

Speaking of which... my eyes are trying to glue themselves shut right now. So, it's off to bed for me.

<3 Master's lil one, Jade

Master's Song

"Whataya Want from Me" Adam Lambert

Hey, slow it down
Whataya want from me
Whataya want from me

Yeah, I'm afraid
Whataya want from me
Whataya want from me

There might have been a time that I would give myself away
Oooh once upon a time I didn't give a damn
But now, here we are
So whataya want from me
Whataya want from me

Just don't give up, I'm workin it out
Please don't give in, I won't let you down
It messed me up, need a second to breathe
Just keep coming around
Hey, whataya want from me
Whataya want from me
Whataya want from me

Yeah, it's plain to see
That baby you're beautiful
And it's nothing wrong with you
It's me, I'm a freak
But thanks for lovin' me
Cause you're doing it perfectly

There might have been a time
When I would let you slip away
I wouldn't even try
But I think you could save my life

Just don't give up,I'm workin' it out
Please don't give in, I won't let you down
It messed me up, need a second to breathe
Just keep comin around
Hey, whataya want from me
Whataya want from me

Just don't give up on me
I won't let you down
No, I won't let you down

Just don't give up, I'm workin it out
Please don't give in, I won't let you down
It messed me up, need a second to breathe
Just keep coming around
Hey, whataya want from me

Just don't give up, I'm workin' it out
Please don't give in, I won't let you down
It messed me up, need a second to breathe
Just keep coming around
Hey, whataya want from me
Whataya want from me
Whataya want from me

**This is the song that I have dubbed as "Master's Song" due to the fact that W/we are currently going through a lot of stuff right now... and I can hear these lyrics (maybe not exactly) running through His head. Just... keep U/us in your prayers/thoughts/ hearts/minds... whatever.

<3 Master's lil one, Jade

Tick Tock... Tick... STOP

Where has the time gone?

I'm sitting here, at my computer, at 9:45 p.m. on May 2, 2010... just... thinking. Another day has come and gone and yet, I feel as though there is so much to do... so much that I have yet to accomplish. Of all the things I should have done today, I haven't gotten very much of it done. I suppose, in a way, that's a good thing. Master and I had a fantastic day with His son... and yet, I can't help but feel as though I need to be "superwoman" and do it all, even when I really didn't have the time.

Sunday's are my only day off (unless one of the kids I work with is sick or something) and I try to do 100 billion things. I have so much to do on Sunday's that I never really feel as though I get a break from working. I swear to god that I even work in my friggin sleep sometimes! Master keeps telling me to relax a little... that He's not worried about everything right now. But when I do relax, I feel guilty... as though I'm not taking the best care of Master (and O/our home) that I am able to.

It's like... I'm a neurotic, paranoid, guilt-ridden woman who tries to relax because Master tells her He wants her to and yet cannot relax because she feels the need to work. Sometimes, I just want time to stop. I want time to take a deep breath and just stop running around like a chicken with my friggin head cut off.

In 15 days I start back to school to get my MSW. When that happens, I will be working 40+ hours per week (2 jobs), in school 10 hours a week, having Master's son on Tuesday's and every other weekend AND having homework/reading/papers/studying to do.

Apparently I am trying to commit suicide by over-working my body. Ack! Not actually, but sometimes it really seems that way. To be clear, however, Master is helping A LOT... it's just... I'm neurotic. I do think, however, that I have already covered the subject of my psychosis and self-infliced paranoia. lol

Shall we all take bets on just how much sleep I will be getting for the next year?

My wager is somewhere between very little and none! /sigh

Ya know... Life is like a box of chocolates... a little nutty, a little smooth, and a little bit of "eww this shit is naaaaaaaaaaaaaaasty."

<3 Master's lil one, Jade

Apathy + Master = ?

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately... kind of makes me feel like Winnie the Pooh. lol Think... think... think... think. No wonder I'm always exhausted... all I do is think!

Master is generally a very apathetic individual. It almost doesn't matter what I ask Him, the answer is pretty much always the same. It's either "I don't care" or "Whatever." Really, in O/our relationship, that doesn't help me much in learning my "submissive role." I am so new to this lifestyle... I don't honestly know or completely understand what is expected of me and what I am really supposed to do for Master and O/our relationship.

I can understand that there are something He really doesn't care about... for instance, what I make for dinner. I know what He likes and doesn't like, and for the most part, I try my best to stay away from the foods He doesn't care for/doesn't like. Yes, there are sometimes that I DO make something He's not too keen on, for instance, chicken. Master is much more of a red meat type of person... but at the same time, beef and steaks are expensive. Hell, meat in and of itself is expensive, but a person cannot live on carbs and vegetables alone. lol But for the most part, I stick to what He likes... even when I don't like it.

But there are sometimes... sometimes when I really really really wish that Master would be more... definitive. To be honest, I have never been the best at making choices. When I was younger, even trying to make a choice between, say, lollypop flavors would make my heart pound and my anxiety rise. No, I don't ALWAYS like being told what to do... that's part of my stubborn and independent personality. At the same time, however, if I ask you a question, it's because A) I truthfully value your opinion B) am having trouble making a decision on my own and C) I would actually like permission to do something.

No, I do not want a TPE relationship with Master. I honestly don't think that I could do it. I am too strong-willed, too stubborn, and too independent for that. BUT... I DO want some power exchange. Perhaps the reason Master and I are still somewhat stuck in a semi-vanilla relationship is because I don't feel as though I have any restraints put on me. I don't feel as though I have any rules. I don't feel as though He takes control of O/our relationship the way He should. I know that maybe I shouldn't feel like that, but how can I honestly think of O/our relationship as anything but equal when I am making all the decisions even when I ask Him? I don't feel like it is what it should be sometimes...

I know that Master and I have talked about this before... but nothing has changed. For example, Master, my sister and I went to the movies tonight, and I ended up making all the decisions about everything... from which theater W/we went to, to the snacks and where W/we got them and even the seats at the theater. My brain is about ready to fall out of my head. I'm not sure I can scream it any loud... I HATE MAKING DECISIONS! lol

Ok... so now I think I'm going to go vegetate... or maybe read... or watch a movie... or play my game. I guess on further examination, all of those things are considered "vegetating" things in my book. lol Oh well... maybe I'll... clean? Naaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.

<3 Master's lil one, Jade

Rolling On...

Well, life is rolling by just as it always does. Things here are crazy, insane, and just plain psychotic. lol

I recieved my acceptance letter from college and I shall be starting (again) mid-May. It's only a 1 year program to get my MSW (Master of Social Work). I'm excited, but at the same time hesitant and just a little bit worried about how everything is going to go seeing as I already work 2 jobs and have little "chill" time as it is. But, it's only 1 year and I know I can manage. Plus, I have to look at the positives of all this... once school is done and I've graduated, I will no longer have to work 2 jobs and can probably get a more regular 9-5ish type of job. Plus, there's more of a chance of having salaried work, benefits, and PTO/vacation days. So, although the next year is going to throw me through a loop and I'm never going to sleep... ever... I will make it through it and the end result will make Master's and my life soooooooooo much easier.

Otherwise, things are going pretty well. A few days after my first spanking... well... I recieved another one. *giggles* This time Master actually broke out His floggers and one of His paddles. After it was done, I think I passed out for like an hour. My head was all light and fluffy and filled with clouds. It's was good... another short one... but good nonetheless. Though, as I told Master, the only part of me that was really having trouble taking it was my thighs... apparently I have very sensitive thights. Master just said "that will come with time," and I suppose He's right. lol

Life is... pretty good right now. I still have about a zillion things to do in cleaning up and unpacking, but I've been kinda taking it easy. I'll admit that W/we still have a crapload of boxes and bags that need unpacked, but at the same time, if I overload myself completely, it's never going to get done because I will burn out and become comatose... moving around in a slightly vegatative state. I'll eventually get it done... just not right now!

However, I do need to make dinner... lol

<3 Master's lil one, Jade

A New Chapter

Master and I have opened up a new chapter in O/our lives this past week.

W/we have had a lot of changes and a lot of different things going on lately in O/our life. Some of the better... some, well, some are not-so-great. But W/we are making the best of everything.

The biggest change is that W/we have moved.

Master and I now live in the basement of my dad's house. It's not too bad living with my father because: A) the house is a huge split-level (4 br, 2.5 bath, 2 car garage, etc etc etc.), B) my father is rarely ever home (he's either at work or over at his girlfriend's house), and C) W/we can save up more money because, although W/we are paying rent, W/we have less bills to worry about and less finanical responsibility (no utilities or anything).

Unfortunately, W/we also have to be careful about certain things... things in O/our lifestyle. This is not a "forever" situation. W/we're planning on this being temporary... but with me going back to school for my MSW, it's really the best thing W/we could have done for O/ourselves... financially that is.

Speaking of the lifestyle... Master and I had some special time on Friday night. hehe My dad wasn't home, so Master and I took advantage of the solitude and had some fun. I got my very first (and hopefully not last) spanking. It wasn't much, honestly. It was short and pretty mild... and Master only used His hand... but it was wonderful. :-D But I do have a few nice bruises from it on my butt.

Master and I also talked about a few things... and I think He and I honestly need to sit down and write out what it is that each of U/us wants from each other and from the lifestyle. I think W/we also need to come up with a "plan." Friday night was the first night in a loooooong time that Master and I had done anything even remotely "play"-wise. I know W/we both need more... but I also know that W/we can work it out if W/we really set O/our minds to it.

Things are in constant flux right now... and everything is so crazy. I need some sleep now though... no more time to write. Perhaps another day... hopefully.

<3 Master's lil one, Jade

8:30 AM

It's 8:30 a.m. on Sunday morning and the house is quiet. I have a feeling that Master's son will be up soon, thus breaking the serene stillness, but that's what happens when you have a kid in the house.

I've been thinking a lot lately. I've always wanted kids... but having Master's son is hard. Maybe it's because I'm a "part-time parent" seeing as W/we only have him Tuesday nights and every other weekend. Sometimes when he's here, I feel like "OMG! I just need a moment of peace! PLEASE!" But then I think, if I have kids, I'm really not going to have any "me" time. Am I ready to make that sacrifice?

I love kids... that's why I choose to work with them in my career. But those kids, they return home to their parents each day, and those are the people who, ultimately, shape and mold that child... for better or worse. I think one of my biggest fears about becoming a parent, if I ever have children, is screwing the little tyke (or tykes) up irreperrably. I don't want to be like my parents, but sometimes I see myself acting more and more like either my mother or father, or both, and that scares me. Am I doomed to repeat past mistakes of my parents?

Right now, I like the calm that has settled over the house, where everything is still and quiet and undisturbed. This is the time that I need by myself. Perhaps that why my mother wakes up at 6 every morning... almost regardless of what time she went to bed. Unfortunately, I'm not my mother and I am NOT a morning person. I know that, if I ever have children, I will have to wake up when they do... that if they are up in the middle of the night sick or with nightmares, that I will be up with them. Am I ready for that?

There are so many questions flitting around in my head right now. I don't quite know why I've been thinking about having kids so much lately... maybe it's because I will be 25 this year and Master will be 41 (yes, there is a nice age gap between U/us). Sometimes I think, "W/we're running out of time." I don't want Master to be having kids when He's 50 years old (which would make me almost 35). Although Master and I are not married, I'm not completely opposed to having a child out of wedlock. I've always wanted to do it the right way... marriage and then kids... but *shrugs* I don't always get what I want, now do I?

I hear the house stirring... it's time to go greet the day...

<3 Master's lil one, Jade

The Gander and the Goose

Master and I are two totally different, yet totally the same, people when it comes to expressing O/our emotions.

Neither one of U/us is particularly good with coping with negative feelings. Anger... sadness... frustration... fear... all those types of emotions put U/us at odds.

Master, well, He is the type of person who bottles everything up inside until He ultimately explodes. Once He explodes, He goes off and pretty much ignores everybody and everything until... whenever. Once it's over and done with, He's fine and doesn't talk about it. Master also tends to express feelings, especially anger, by throwing things and punching walls, etc. W/we have quite a few dents in the walls from where He's punched them... and quite a few things have gotten broken by Him flipping tables and throwing things.

I, in a parallel sense to Master, also bottle things up inside until everything explodes. However, once it explodes, I need to have it all out or else it festers like an open wound infected with gangreen. Unlike Master, it's not just "done and over with" once it happens. However, my "explosion" is much more silent... yet much more deadly than Master's.

Once upon a time... I was a cutter. I have hundreds of scars all over my body from where I pierced my flesh with razorblades, knives, push pins, needles... you name it, I used it. Some are visible to others... some are visible only to those who know where they are at and look carefully enough for them.

Since Master and I have been together, I have not cut. For 2 years, I have not sliced my own skin open by my own will. However, I honestly cannot say that I haven't "hurt" myself in those 2 years. I have pulled my hair, scratched and bitten myself, and slammed my head into walls. It is not something that I am proud of... it is not something that I broadcast readily to others. But right now, it is something that needs to be put out there because of what is going on in my life.

When I hurt myself, the pain that I feel is cathartic, to say the least. That pain allows me to put into "words" that I otherwise cannot find. It's difficult to explain to somebody who doesn't quite understand someone who is a cutter. But I suppose that the best way to put it is, pain= feelings = life. Without that pain, I feel numb... and I know that I have awful mood swings because of it.

I thought that being with Master, things would change... that I wouldn't have to fight the urge to cut on an almost regular basis. But I was wrong. With Master and I not ever divulging into the lifestyle W/we both want and need, I have no catharsis... I have no outlet... I have no feelings. I cry regularly, and I feel as though my moods are constantly pushing Master away from me... from U/us.

Master and I are so different in how W/we handle O/our emotions... yet W/we are so similar.

However, what is good for the gander does not seem to be good for the goose.

I need more... maybe I need more than Master can provide me. It doesn't have to be every day... but I need it. Without it, I am empty. I am running on fumes, and I don't have something to sustain me. And it's not even Master's fault really. Part of it is my job. I need to not have bruises and marks... and I need to be able to move without (a lot) of pain the next day. It's the life of someone working in a social services job.

I don't want to cut because I know that it would hurt and anger Master... but the itch is becoming almost uncontrolable. I need something... anything...

<3 Master's lil one, Jade

All the Words

I think everything is starting to hit me like a ton of bricks...

All the changes going on in my life... and in Master's.

It's all so... so...

I don't even have the words to describe it.

My head is spinning, and I'm so lethargic.

I wish I could put into words the way that I feel.

I just can't... not right now.

Maybe sometime...

For now, I'm off to mull over my thoughts and try to make sense of them.

<3 Master's lil one, Jade

Wrong Again?

That pretty much says it all.

I don't know what it is that I'm doing wrong...

Maybe I'm too sensitive?

Maybe I'm too demanding?

Maybe I'm too pessimistic?

Maybe I'm too hostile?

Maybe I'm too needy?

Maybe I'm too loving?

Maybe I'm too honest?

Maybe I'm too caring?

Maybe I'm too... wrong?

Maybe... maybe... maybe.

But never a "for sure."

Everything was running so smoothly... until the cables snapped and the elevator plummeted to the ground floor with a silent CRASH.

Maybe... I just suck at life...

<3 Master's lil one, Jade

Refresh

So, the roomies have officially moved out of here. Although they do still have a few things they need to get from here, as of this weekend they were living in their new place. Even though we had our problems, I do wish them the best and hope that we can all still be friend.

I honestly thought that, when it went back to being just Master and me, things would go pretty much as they did before... with me having all the responsibility. I figured that I would go back to doing all the cooking and the cleaning and everything... on top of working 40+ hours a week. Well, Master proved me wrong this weekend.

For starters, I asked Him if He wanted to go grocery shopping with me... and He did. Then, last night, He got the garbage and the recycling ready to be taken out AND He moved the cars (W/we have on-street parking and the borough where W/we live cleans the street Monday morning so W/we have to put the cars elsewhere) AND He walked the dog. He is being so wonderful... it's almost as though I can barely recognize Him... in a good way!

Soon, Master and I will have to pack up O/our things because W/we will be moving. The move date is unofficially set for the first weekend in April... though Master and I have a lot to do before that. Because Master and I will be moving in with my dad (which is going to be very interesting), Master I going to take care of a lot of the fixing-up around my dad's house. My dad's house is really nice, but there are quite a few little problems that Master said He should be able to fix.

I've been thinking a lot about "refreshing" O/our relationship. I'm not quite sure how or what it would entail, but I certainly think it would be a good idea. Master and I are so scattered right now that it's making O/our lifestyle difficult. I'm sure, though, that in the end it will all work out for U/us because W/we WANT it to work.

I love Him and He loves me... and although W/we have a lot on O/our plate right now, we can make it through as long as W/we have each other.

<3 Master's lil one, Jade

Part 2

And today is like nothing ever happened yesterday.

Master may not be much of a talker... or communicator in general. He generally tends to ignore things, and then they "go away." But in all honesty, that's not really how it works. I will sit here and think and wonder and need to know. Whenever Master and I have a fight, I need closure afterwards. If I don't have that, then it will weigh on my mind until I explode with frustration. The problem is, I can never get Master alone to talk with Him.

Neither Master nor I are the greatest when it comes to talking things out... which makes for a complicated relationship. Even if He's not angry or frustrated with me, He tends to take things out on me... usually by "snapping" when something isn't exactly right... and that REALLY hurts me. I don't think He realizes just how much it tears me apart inside every time He bites my head off about something or another.

I feel as though a lot of the problems W/we have come from the fact that neither of U/us really know what W/we want and need from the lifestyle. I also have a lot of problems letting go of things. I'm so used to taking care of myself and everybody else that it's very difficult for me to let Master take care of things. The other problem, in my opinion, is that I feel as though Master doesn't do a whole lot of "taking care of things." Sometimes I get very frustrated and exhausted with feeling as though I am doing everything... sometimes I want somebody to take care of me.

And on top of that, a lot of things I do, I feel as though Master interprets incorrectly. When I'm upset about something, I physically can't automatically go to Him even though I should be able to. It's not because I don't want to... it's because I'm ashamed to. I was brought up thinking that I needed to be able to take care of everything... and for me to fail in taking care of something brings a tremendous amount of shame. Even something as simple as me crying it difficult for me to let Him see because I'm ashamed of crying.

Sometimes I wish that Master would try harder. When something is amiss and I don't immediately turn to Him, He gets angry/frustrated with me, and He gets grumpy. When He gives up and won't talk to me, I feel as though He doesn't care enough to try and work it through with me. That's not how it was at the beginning of O/our relationship. When things between U/us first started, He tried so much harder. As O/our relationship has worn on, I feel as though He has given up... I feel as though He just don't care sometimes. And it's not just with things about U/us... it's life in general. I know that things aren't the greatest for U/us right now, but Master has become such an "old man." He's aged right before my eyes... becoming older and older with each passing day.

It's all so complicated...

I need Master to try harder. I need U/us to communicate. I need U/us to have some time together. I need Master to not just TELL me that He loves me but really SHOW me that He does. I need... Him.

I don't want to change Master. I fell in love with Him for who He is... but He's changed... W/we both have. I really feel as though He's really starting to give up on everything. And I don't know how to rescue Him. I honestly don't think I can. Unless He is willing to resuce Himself, there is really nothing I can do... and that breaks my heart.

Perhaps someday W/we can talk... really communicate.

<3 Master's lil one, Jade

Part 1

When Master and I fight, He normally gives me the cold shoulder. He doesn't talk to me, and He doesn't touch me. The funny thing is, that's not what bothers me the most.

The thing that bother's me the most is... I can't help Him. It's like, He wants to be mad... He wants to be grumpy. And He is the only person that can help Himself get over that. So, I have to sit by the sidelines and just wait for Him to get over it. Unless He wants help... unless He asks for help... there is absolutely nothing I can do.

We'll see what happens today...

<3 Master's lil one, Jade

The Snow and the Sick Man

Happy Valentine's Day everybody!

Things around here... are well... things. Master has been pretty sick with a really bad cough for a couple of weeks now and it's kept Him pretty much confined indoors. Thankfully, it seems as though it's starting to get better... little by little. I feel so bad for Him because there's not a damn thing I can do besides just love Him and make sure He doesn't run out of cough syrup.

We've gotten 2 big snow storms here in the last week... and it's made getting around the area very difficult. School's were delayed and closed pretty much all of last week... which means my paycheck is going to suck, but oh well... it's the safest thing for everybody. I think the final total for snowfall here was something like 36 inches... which is the largest amount of snow we've gotten in PA since 1996. AND we're supposed to get even more snow this coming week. Ug!

Because of the snow and all the school's closing (and being stuck at home as a result of that), Master and I have gotten to spend a little bit more time together. However, He still pretty much sits on WoW all day and play... thus, I sit on WoW all day and play so that I can be "with" Him even if W/we're not really doing anything together. I think today, though, Master is planning on taking me out to a nice Valentine's Day dinner... YAY! I'll just have to wait and see how He feels. If He's coughing up a storm, I'm going to suggest W/we stay indoors to avoid a backslide in His health. But ultimately, the decision is His.

Everything is going pretty well. It's not perfect... but W/we're working on it, and that's what really matters in the long run!

<3 Master's lil one, Jade

It's been awhile... again

Wow. I can't believe how long it's been since I wrote anything. A whole month has come and gone and I haven't written a single word! I can't believe I've been so remiss in my writing... maybe it's the reason I've been so off and "blah" the past few weeks.

Anywho...

Master and I celebrated O/our 2 year anniversary on January 26. And by celebrated I mean, I bought Him a card and He didn't say anything to me about it. I did, however, get some cuddle time with Master. W/we actually had His son that night... so I'm going to wager that's why nothing was done. C'est la vie. I'm actually kind of happy that Master didn't go "all out" for our anniversary. I'm not saying that I wouldn't have liked a card or something, but money is tight and W/we can't really afford it... which is the main reason I only bought Master a card. I just wish He would have at least said "Happy Anniversary." Oh well... Master is Master and He showed His love and affection in letting me cuddle with Him on the couch and fall asleep in His arms.

Master and I are also contemplating a move. With the economy the way that it is, W/we really can't afford the house... especially with Him not being able to find a job. Plus, things with the roommates (well, one in particular) are going slowly downhill, and Master said He would rather U/us all move and find O/our own places and preserve friendships than try to keep things the way they are and let the gap between U/us widen. I'm hoping that, if/when W/we move, W/we can put it off until the end of the school year. That way, the roommate's kid won't have to change schools and I won't have to take a whole lot of time off work at school (which is where my one client really needs me).

Overall, things are going well for Master and I. W/we have O/our moments... but then again, if W/we didn't have those moments, I would feel that something was wrong! I think the biggest problem for Master and I right now is that there is absolutely no playtime... zip... zilch... nada... none. *sigh* This is the way it's been pretty muh for forever. W/we currently live in a row home... which means that W/we have neighbors right on the other side of the wall. And as loud as I can get during just regular vanilla sex... yeah. :-P Aside from the economy and roommate conditions, this is one of the biggest reasons that W/we're contemplating a move. Master and I both need the playtime. Without it, I feel kind of lost. The pain... well, the best way of putting it is: It puts my head on straight.

Since the New Year, I have been doing a lot of thinking and soul searching. I have been trying really hard to not nag Master and do a better job as His submissive. I don't really think I'm doing too well though. I have a difficult time being able to verbalize my needs and wants to Master. I don't think that He really knows what I need, which is my fault and not His. I try, but I have always sucked with verbal communication. I am so much better at writing things out. Maybe I should try to write it all down someday? When I do talk to Master about the things that I need and want, it all comes out jumbled, and I don't really think that Master understands what I'm saying most of the time. Come to think of it, I'm not 100% sure of what Master wants either. Perhaps it is time (and actually past time) that W/we sit down and talk about what W/we want and need out of the lifestyle and from each other...

I suppose things in my life could be a lot worse. I have a roof over my head, food to eat, and a Master that loves me. I'm lucky that I have those things... I really am.

<3 Master's lil one, Jade